Evening thoughts
I (27F) struggled with eating disorders since I was a teen. Going from anorexia to bulimia to binge eating and repeat. I had breaks from it (from thinking bout food h24), but never had a great relationship with food. Either a fear or a comfort, never something just "usefull to stay alive".
Idk if you know what I mean ? (Not english native, hope I'm clear)
My best friend struggle with anorexia since at least 10 years. She says she "needs to feel small", "to take less space". And I heard a lot of people with ED having the same speech.
I don't really relate. Although sometimes I fell like "I love feeling small", I have to admit there's more.
First, when anorexia comes back, It's often at times when I feel alone and insecure, when I desperately need someone to help but no one is there. So I first thought it was for attention ? But even when I was at my lowest weight, I still had no one and I kept going so I guess it's clearly not the only reason.
Secondly, when anorexia comes back, it's often triggered by heat and my brain is like "omg, If I'm so hot it's because I'm fat, it I stop eating then I won't be so hot anymore" (summer is triggering AF). Or periods, I hate having my periods, they are painfull and I go crazy with my hormonal cycle, and I know they stop just before I get underweight.
Third, I'm bipolar, each time I'm in manic phase, not feeling hunger that much, anorexia come back...
And fourth, when it comes back, I just enjoy it so damn much the first days, it's like being high, it takes all the place and I stop to think about anything else...
I wish I could just eat like everyone else, eat healthy without becoming crazy bout it, or just eat normal...
I think knowing where it comes from does not help that much, I spent hours, days thinking 'bout what was the cause and now I don't know what to do with that...
I could find a "daddy" (someone to take care of me), live in the north (avoid heat) and find a way to delete my periods, I would still be bipolar, going from "I'm a god with no hunger" to "I'm a shit and cannot live without food" every few weeks.
That's my evening thoughts, do what you want with it
Have a great night (or day) and take care please