Shame over stooping to their level
Hi,
I'm just wondering if anyone here feels like they reached a breaking point with their BPD partner where they themself mirrored some of their partner's awful behaviors and then struggled with deep regret.
It wasn't overnight that this happened.
Basically, over the past year, I've gone through various phases of ways of dealing with my partner's behavior. More recently, something shifted in me and I have, to my horror, been doing some of the very things I criticize in him - I have had a very short temper and been engaging contempt a lot more often than i used to (cursing, shouting, calling him names back, etc.)
The culmination point was that today I threw and shattered 2 picture frames on the floor. I didn't know in the moment if I wanted them to break or not. I'll spare the details of what happened prior but you guys know how conflicts with a BPD partner or partner with BPD traits go. He was in the middle of an episode and I was the target.
The point is, I know that no amount of context will make what I did ok. And it feels like a permanent stain on my life. It feels like I've become just as bad as him. And I just can't shake the guilt. He has destroyed numerous items of mine over the past year, and I know he has forgiven himself for that and I have forgiven him too. But I don't know if I can forgive myself.
I really regret that I "let myself" get to this point, but it was also shaped largely by months of coercive escalation where i really didn't have options besides fighting back to defend myself. I learned over time that the normal, healthy way of handling things doesn't work with him. Still not ok what I did.
I don't know. I'm too tired to explain this well and there's so much more I want to say. I just wish I could rewind this day. This whole year maybe.