u/AlwaysTheOutcast

Even after telling my best friend, I constantly relapse. Even after telling my sister, I relapse. Even in the room with other people, including my mom, I relapse. I relapsed FOUR TIMES JUST TODAY. I'm seriously thinking of just giving up. I've had this addiction for maybe ~3 years, but since I was maybe 8 years old, I've used my own version (a kink I guess it could be called) until I found porn. It's gotten out of hand, I rarely try, and I watch things I used to find absolutely disgusting and still do. I've tried holding myself accountable, 3 different apps, distraction... I don't know what else to do

If anyone saw my last post, I was dealing with depression and SH urges and wanted to know if it was ok to use my phone on Shabbat to deal with it. I spoke to a doctor who suggested coloring on myself. Both, of course, aren't allowed on Shabbat. The thing is, writing/drawing is more directly prohibited, but I might just do it for a bit then be good. While using a phone/devices isn't directly prohibited, I might need it for longer. I want to ask my rabbi, but (a) I'm too nervous and (b) I won't see him until tomorrow at least and might get the urge tonight

Thanks by the way to everyone who replied to my last post, it's seriously so wholesome to see so many people care 🫶

I don't know if this is the right flair but oh well. A little context, I'm a Jewish teen and have been my whole life, my family is Jewish. I've been dealing with depression since maybe ~5 ish. In the summer I started an antidepressant that made me more depressed. I used my phone on Shabbat to distract me from thoughts of self harm. Last night for whatever reason I had the urge to burn myself with hot water. I told my mom who called the doctor who originally suggested taking me to the hospital, then later said he didn't think it was necessary. My mom unplugged our urn since she knew I'd use the water from it.

Now I'm still having these thoughts but it's not as much an urge, just lingering in my head. I also don't have anything I'd use right now. I'm on my phone even though it's still Shabbat where I live to distract myself but feel guilty about it (and will feel worse later) since I don't know if I actually need it because there's nothing for me to do. Any thoughts?

Also, reading wouldn't distract me, I don't have anyone to hangout with, and I can't think of much else to do.