Everytime I mention seperation/divorce
It's like no fail. He threatens to unalive himself. And he goes into a spiral. I have begged and pleaded for change and somehow.. I'm the person at fault? I have tried every avenue and right now.. I'm just fucking exhausted. I still care about him and love him. But the last time I tried to get a marriage counselor.. He threw a gigantic tantrum the day before which bled into the next day when the appointment was and it ended up cancelled. I just.. I can't anymore. I can't keep listening to him insult me, accuse me, say angry mean things about our kids.. Put all of the blame on me.
Yet I'm heartless for wanting out. I'm soulless because to him I'm his everything and I must have never loved him if I am even slightly thinking of no longer being with him.
I tried to give him a hundred chances over - he is older and has been trying to get a job but with not having a job for almost 10 years.. It's a little hard. He recently has started to randomly clean.. But he announces it each time he does it and he does the same for coffee too now. But he acts like making coffee was a action worthy of reward instead of something I did everyday and never was like "hey look I made coffee".. I'm just done. And I don't want to make him homeless and I don't want him to unalive himself. So I feel stuck. And I feel alone. And I feel anxiety because I am worried I will never see a day where I can go somewhere and not be accused of cheating..
Also I am too nervous to ever get back into a place with him because I have already told him.. "what's to stop you from going back to breaking things and being really mean again?".. He completely skipped over it.
Sorry just.. Well a large rant about being stuck and lonely