I (F-33) Married to (M34) whose family is narcissistic
I married my spouse after years of knowing him. He’s well-educated, intelligent, transparent about his past, supportive of my career, and even willing to relocate or work remotely if needed. Honestly, he was the definition of a green flag.But his family? A nightmare.
Also, please do not come at me on why we have a baby or why I haven't left him yet. Things seemed normal that's why I am in the current situation as he used to be very supportive until a few months back.
The Issues
Control & Restrictions: Before marriage, no restrictions. After marriage, suddenly I’m told what clothes to wear. I wasn’t allowed in the kitchen for 3 weeks until a ritual, then shamed for “acting like I’m in a hotel.”
Exclusion: Family decisions are made behind closed doors. I’m responsible for chores but never included in discussions. Decisions get made and passed down as FYI to me.
Communication Double Standards: They never call me or my parents, never wish us on birthdays or anniversaries, never check in when we’re sick. Yet they complain I don’t build a relationship with them. The only time they call me is if my husband doesn’t pick up their phone in three rings.
Obsessive Criticism:
MIL and SIL once inspected my house with a magnifying glass, called me a disgrace to women for living “like I’m in a hostel.” At that time, I was barely earning and supporting my parents, which my husband knew nor commented, they had an issue with my earnings being less and not contributing towards the house. They are very controlling on his money which makes me feel they are worried if he spends on me he won't be able to take care of them.
They want to know everything we do and have a say in it. They keep throwing on my face they know my husband better as only they love him truly and I don't care about him at all. They do not shared anything about their life but get offended if I don't, If I do I'm always judged for any decision I take or compared/ insulted.
Jealousy & Possessiveness:They get angry if my husband takes me out—even for groceries. They call him 10–15 times a day, with morning and night calls lasting over an hour. After our honeymoon we never went anywhere together. Whenever we made any plans, my MIL always falls sick during that time.
Hypocrisy: SIL lives her life freely, she smokes, drinks, parties, travels constantly, leaves her child with family by using them as free nanny (never paid for daycare or helper) but lectures me about family values. She demands luxury gifts (like ₹50k Zara dresses) from my husband as birthday gift while calling herself “ Strong independent.” Her and her daughters travel tickets are to also be paid by my husband. I've never seen her taking care of her own mother, she bosses my husband to step in as she can't take leaves for such minor things.
Yet whenever she is sick, she wants all of us to drop things at a hat to come and support her wellbeing.
Toxic Behavior: MIL and SIL are Loud, rude, self-centered. If anyone talks logic, they shout until you shut up. I stay quiet to avoid escalation. In their eyes they are the only people who are right, keep judging everyone with flaws while calling themselves as the perfect planet on this earth. My SIL has a God like superiority complex.
My SIL didn't greet anyone from my family and was in her own high horse giving the 'I am the groom's side's vibes. Post marriage, she kept saying that only because of her things were great.
WE were the ones that paid for all expenses, their stay, food, gifts etc. SIL only got a make up artist for herself and few aunties, a backdrop for photos to show off on Instagram so apparently those efforts overpowered the complete A to Z hard work we guys put in for the event.
Resentment: My husband never visits my family, but his family dictates everything. If I set boundaries, they call me disgraceful. Their behavior is “love,” my reaction is “shameful.” My husband admits his mom and sister are difficult but expects me to “be mature” and ignore their behavior. He avoids confrontation because it affects his mental health.I can’t imagine growing old with people who make me want to bang my head against the wall by just hearing their voices.
I’ve contemplated divorce. Initially, he wanted to work things out, but now he says it’s my choice.I loved him deeply—he cared for me but his mother and sister never accepted me, and now even he seems to believe I wasn’t the right choice. I feel I wasted my prime with someone I thought I loved but maybe I ended up marrying potential.
When things don't involve his mother and sister, he is a great human being. BUT, when it comes to them he seems to behave like a lunatic, everything they do is valid and out of 'love' which is normal that makes it seem like I am the bad guy. I can't fake being nice or build a relationship with narcissists who have in their eyes failed me as a person, daughter, daughter in law, mother. Even if I give my life to them, they will say I've done nothing. It impossible to please someone with God like superiority complex, I am so tired and done with them.
Why do people act like the relationship with the guys family should matter more than family? Can't people get a life and keep themselves busy with hobbies or friends instead of nitpicking so much on an outsider, making her feel left out (looks deliberate to me though they say otherwise)
It feels scary to start from scratch again after divorce as we have a son. I am terrified of handling things alone. I don't want to give him full custody as I know his family won't do anything to raise him and his life will be spoilt in their hands. Co-parenting with his toxic family also seems like a headache and maybe they won't let him pay me maintainance, there are no laws in the country that would hold a spouse accountable for non payment of dues.
I have an okayish pay but will never have the luxury to quit or fall down if company shuts down/layoff if I choose to raise my son alone.
If we stay in this marriage, our relationship has become rocky and obviously things will never be the same. If there are miracles in universe only then it might get better else I'll end up being those lonely woman pretending to be fine infront of society. I never imagined I would see such a day in my life.
Things were so wonderful in the start but now it feels it was all a facade? Also, ngl I wasn't perfect. I've never dated anyone else or been in long term relationship, my way of normal was not that acceptable in their family and their idea of normal was not normal to me. Too many clashes when it comes too values. Maybe that's how marriages are? If there is no abuse so people stay for the sake of kids but I hope it doesn't create any impact on the environment while growing up.
TL;DR Married a green flag man, but stuck with a toxic MIL and narcissistic SIL who controlled, criticized, and drained me. Husband avoids conflict, leaving me to “handle it.” I’m exhausted, resentful, and questioning if this marriage is worth saving.