r/InsideIndianMarriage

I am in need of urgent advice about my husbands behavior. I checked out his chats there was nothing vulgar or intimate just casual chit chat but sharing of recent pics (how much they grew in all these years) and i have no issues with them talking too but hiding it from me. I am even friends with one of his school ex and we get along okayish (not met her irl but on chats only).

I just want to kow how to confront it in best way cz i dont want to fight since i am pregnant right now and he has come back to house just 2 days back (he works overseas and I am currentlv in India due to my work and health). It was just sheer coincidence that I went through messages since I was using his phone (my phone was dead). I am in no mood of full fledged fight rather just want clear answers about hiding it from me. Also, important to mention that the girls were the first to text after he posted his photo on hIs socials.

I’m a 25F Indian woman currently living in Europe, and my parents have started seriously looking for arranged marriage matches for me.

They constantly tell me, “Nothing will happen without your consent. If you don’t like someone, just say no.” Which sounds reasonable.

But whenever I actually say no, especially because I’m simply not physically attracted to the person, it becomes an argument. I get told that I’m too picky, looks aren’t everything, I should speak to him first, I’ll start liking him later, etc.

I’m not expecting some ridiculously handsome/model-looking husband. Personality, values, career, compatibility and family background obviously matter to me too. But I do think some basic physical attraction is necessary when I’m choosing someone I’m potentially going to spend my life with and have an intimate relationship with.

There’s another complication: my family is quite particular about caste/community.

I’m personally uncomfortable with some of their casteist thinking, but their reasoning isn’t purely about caste pride either. They strongly prefer finding someone from within our own community because they believe having known families/social networks and similar backgrounds reduces the chances of things like dowry-related harassment, abuse, major cultural clashes, or ending up with a family we know absolutely nothing about.

I understand why safety is such a huge concern for them, especially when it comes to arranged marriage in India. But because they are unwilling to widen the search much beyond our community, the pool is already pretty limited.

Then when the people within that limited pool aren't people I'm attracted to, somehow I become the problem for rejecting them.

That’s the part I struggle with.

If you restrict the pool based on caste/community, family background, horoscope, education, career, location, etc., and then also expect me to compromise heavily on physical attraction, what exactly am I allowed to have a preference about?

They still insist that they would never force me to marry someone without my consent, and I genuinely believe they wouldn’t physically force me. But when every “no” comes with guilt, lectures, emotional pressure and attempts to change my mind, it doesn’t exactly feel like my decision is being respected either.

I also don’t think it’s fair to talk to a guy for weeks when I already know from the beginning that I’m not attracted to him, just to prove to my parents that I “gave him a chance.” That seems unfair to him too.

For people who have been through the arranged-marriage process:

Am I being unreasonable for wanting physical attraction to be one of my non-negotiables?

And how do you deal with parents who say they respect your consent, but then make saying “no” emotionally exhausting?

We have been together 9.5 years and married for 2.5 years. I have been living in US for over 8 years and my husband moved here just after our marriage.

Before marriage, he insisted on moving US and building a life together and at some point moving back to India once we had achieved our career goals. He also portrayed himself that he cared about my career and would always support me.

Since moving to US, he has been very annoyed by the fact that he has to do chores, there is no express delivery aka cultural differences. After his parents visited last year's, he has been insisting on going back to India. And not just go back rather living together (us + my inlaws) in one home. And before marriage I had told him clearly, I can live near or nextdoor to in-laws but not one home.

Throughout the marriage even though I have spent minimal time with his parents but whenever I have there has always been a incident involving MIL where she is trying to control me and taunt me. And my husband in these situations is quite and later doesn't even acknowledge that what happened was not right.

Financially I have a lot of finances tied up in US so I can't up and leave. Also I have not achieved my career goals yet.

The trigger for the move is my MIL getting diagnosed with blockage in artery (65+ years) which all doctors have said can be manged by medication. But my husband insists that they can't do anything w/o him though they have been living a good life in their hometown surrounded by there friends for past 2.5 years while he has been in US.

I told my husband I need at least 3-4 years to achieve my goal and handle my finances before I can move to India. But he replied saying I can only wait a year and I am going to leave this year.

I am at a breaking point, where it feels like I waisted 9.5 years of my life with a man who protrayed himself to be modern and feminist but ended up being a patriach and showed his true colors after marriage.

What should I do?

Mother-in-law

So I am a female(32), in general my in-laws are good. But my mother-in-law is very controlling. She is a sweet person, loves me a lot but she tries to control our food, our income and everything. I have tried to set boundaries but till when.

So last time, we all went shopping - my husband, I and my mother -in-law and she tried to control what we were purchasing. She did not let us buy two metal pots worth 500 then she has to control all kitchen things too. We are thinking of making our diet cleaner but she won't let us buy anything.

She wants us to spend as little as possible and I am from a metropolitan city- I want my living standards to be good. my husband and I run a business together and now she is controlling that too. I think we are adults enough to manage things ourselves. I come from a family which is not at all controlling. But I am so fed up with her controlling everything. She has my husband's location although she asked for my location too and I made excuses. She is always looking at the camera we have at our business place. And lately I have clearly told my husband that I need my own house. I am happy with my in-laws in general but these things sometimes irritate me.

Also I feel she is not letting my husband and my brother-in-law grow financially. A few days back, my brother-in-law told her that if he changes his job, he will get a hike, a good hike actually. And she was like what you will do with this much money because she doesn't want him to leave the small town. She gets a pension and enjoys that but doesn't want any improvement in our lifestyle. I am so irritated with her behaviour.

I sometimes feel bad for thinking bad about her and telling my husband I want to live far from her but what to do I feel bad.

.TL;DR: Divorced after a long relationship with infidelity and instability. Ex is now remorseful and wants me back, while I’m in a stable new relationship and considering marriage. I don’t want to go back, but I feel intense guilt seeing her struggle and can’t fully enjoy my present. I’ve moved on logically, but emotionally I’m still attached and conflicted.

I was married for 5 years, and we were together for about 10 years in total.

Around 2 years ago, my ex cheated on me. After that, things got extremely complicated. She went into what felt like shell shock. She kept saying she loved me, felt guilty, and even suicidal at times, but still couldn’t stop talking to the other person or decide what she wanted to do with her life. I tried to make things work for months by talking, giving chances, and even threatening to leave, but nothing really changed. After about 9 months of this emotional back and forth, and eventually it becoming physical, I started divorce proceedings, and it is now final. It started with mutual but then she pulled back and I filed for contested and the thing is she thought I wouldn't peruse it and it would die down like mutual but I did and its now final and she doesn't know as she didn't appear on later dates and it became exparte.

Recently, she says she has completely stopped talking to that person (I’m not verifying this). Now she’s extremely remorseful—crying, begging for forgiveness, and saying she’ll do anything to make things work. She feels like the person I originally fell in love with, the version of her I wanted to forgive back then. She hates herself for what she did and struggles a lot with guilt and losing me.

A major part of me feels that I would have taken her back if I hadn’t met someone when I was going through the worst phase of my life. It’s been about a year now with my current partner, and we are discussing marriage.

I feel like I’m choosing between someone who could potentially be a better match and someone who could potentially hurt me again, lose control, and bring back all the issues we had in the marriage. She is saying she will work on herself, become better, and is asking me to wait and take my time to figure things out.

I want to move on, but I can’t enjoy myself. The guilt of thinking about my ex alone and crying while I’m with my current partner is exhausting. I feel like I am abandoning her. I wish I still had anger to shield me from caring, but I don’t. I just feel sadness.

Whenever I feel happy, I feel guilty that I am enjoying my life while she is suffering. I am not able to stop caring for her because that’s what I did for 10 years, and my mind is wired that way.

I haven’t told my ex about the marriage plans, and she doesn't know about the finality of divorce so is relieved that I can't marry unless I am divorced but she knows about my current partner. She compares herself with her, feels worse, cries, and becomes suicidal.

My current partner is stable, trusting, and understands me really well. I have discussed these feelings with her, and she gets hurt that I haven’t fully moved on, even when I say I have.

I feel like I have moved on in terms of my decision and don’t have romantic feelings for my ex, but I still feel emotionally attached in a way I can’t control.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m 28F, married for 8 months through an arranged marriage. My husband is a year younger. I’m genuinely looking for perspective because I’ve started questioning whether this is an adjustment/maturity issue or a fundamental incompatibility.

For context, I studied in Pune and Mumbai, worked in Mumbai for 3 years, then did my Master’s in International Marketing in the UK. I now work remotely for a US company in brand strategy/partnerships.

My two years in the UK were quite lonely (I’d also just come out of a relationship), and they made me realise you can live in the best city in the world and still be lonely without the right person. So during arranged marriage, I consciously prioritised the person over location.

My husband lives in a tier-3 city. I had concerns about moving here, but I really liked him and his family and believed he was ambitious/entrepreneurial. During courtship, both he and the family connection who brought the proposal said his family was actively exploring new business opportunities and would be open to relocating if the right opportunity required it.

His family has an old, established business financing farmers, started by his grandfather. It’s now largely on autopilot and they’ve intentionally slowed it because a lot of capital is stuck in the market. His father passed away, and his elder brother has a neurological condition and doesn’t work, so I also understand that eventually a lot of the responsibility for the family may fall on us.

My concern after living together is that I don’t see the ambition I thought he had.
His work calls are generally in the morning, he’ll often go to the office around 12 and return around 3, and he says there isn’t much more to do because the business mostly runs itself.

I don’t care about him sitting in an office for 8 hours just to look productive. What bothers me is what he does with all the free time.
We’re talking about easily 6–10 hours of gaming on most days, often continuing until 2/3/4/5 AM.

Gaming itself isn’t the problem. If he were otherwise productive and gamed for fun, I genuinely wouldn’t care.
What scares me is that he says he wants to eventually do something beyond the existing business but doesn’t seem interested in using even 1–2 hours of his free time to figure out what that could be.

I’m not asking him to start a business tomorrow or invest money when their capital is already stuck. But research industries? Meet people? Attend expos? Learn something? Explore opportunities?

I keep bringing him business ideas. He’ll say they’re good, but it ends there. There’s rarely a deeper conversation about the market, competitors, investment, pros/cons, etc. His usual answer is that the market is bad.
Maybe it genuinely isn’t the right time to invest. But you don’t need to invest money to explore what you want to do.

My own routine isn’t traditional either. I work EST hours, usually from around 5/6 PM until 2–5 AM depending on workload. We have household help and I have very few domestic responsibilities, so I’m not judging him for unconventional working hours. I just need to feel like we’re both doing something with our time and building towards a future.

This has also made me rethink the location compromise.
There is essentially no social life here for me or many of the things I’d independently enjoy doing — Pilates, padel, tennis, classes/events, etc. Career-wise, I don’t need to live here. I earn well remotely and could do the same job from Mumbai or another bigger city.

I chose the person over the city.
I’d still happily live in a tier-3 city if there were a reason for us to be here — the existing business, building something new here, some advantage to being here, etc.
But if we’re not building something here, exploring something elsewhere or considering moving, I increasingly find myself wondering: what exactly am I compromising on location for?

I’ve discussed this with him multiple times. He says he wants to do something, but I don’t see it reflected in how he spends his time. He’s also very emotional/insecure, so these conversations often become about me not understanding him rather than an objective conversation about our future.

I’m also starting to resent feeling like I care more about his potential than he does. At the same time, I don’t want to become a wife who constantly nags him, brings him ideas and tries to turn him into someone he’s not.

Maybe he simply values comfort/a slower life while I value ambition and growth. Neither makes someone a bad person, but perhaps it makes us incompatible.

Timing worries me too. I’m 28 and will probably want to think about children around/before 30. Right now we have no kids, few responsibilities, an existing family income/business and plenty of flexibility. To me, this is exactly when we should be experimenting.

Part of me thinks he’s younger and maybe I should give him 1–2 years to mature. Another part thinks: what if I’m 30 and realise I spent two years waiting for a personality trait that was never going to appear?

I’ve started thinking about separation/divorce, which scares me. I don’t want to make an impulsive decision 8 months into a marriage, but I also don’t want to ignore something fundamental.

I genuinely want to see his perspective too. Is there something I’m missing here? Could his family circumstances, losing his father, the current business situation, or simply having a different definition of a good life explain this in a way I’m failing to understand? I really do want to think positively, but right now I’m struggling to.

What I’m struggling to accept is the lack of desire to try.
So I’d genuinely appreciate perspective, especially from people who’ve been married longer:

Am I judging ambition/work ethic too soon after 8 months? Is there a perspective of his that I’m missing? Can this kind of drive develop with maturity, or am I waiting for someone’s fundamental personality to change? And how do you know when something is an adjustment period versus a genuine incompatibility?

I just found out that her father isn’t on good terms with her or her mother. What’s concerning is that they apparently acted normal throughout the AM process and even until the engagement, so I’m wondering if they were pretending everything was fine so our family wouldn’t get a negative impression.
I happened to see some of their chats because she had left her phone with me. She seemed disrespectful towards him, while he seemed to be trying to make up with her or asking for forgiveness. There could obviously be a valid reason for her behaviour that I don’t know about.
She seems nice overall, and I don’t want to judge her based on this alone. But I’m almost certain something happened within the last 5 years, since she apparently had a great relationship with her father throughout childhood and college.
What worries me most is that her family gave us a different reason for why her parents live separately. If they deliberately hid the real reason from us, I’m concerned about what else we might not know.
Our engagement is already done, so I’m unsure what I should do before getting married.

Am 28M and already engaged to her she’s 26F

​

Context:

\\- Both of us are 36 this, been married for almos 4th yout 12 years

\\- Have 2 kids - 10Y & 4Y

\\- We knew each other for 14 years

\\- Marriage troubles for past 3 years++ (already did counselling, spoke to parents, seek guidance etc.)

We had an argument 2 months ago which started small as usual (something about whether to continue my daughter's religious class next year or cancel it) and during argument, she started abusing my father and call him in bad words (she already verbally abused my mom in another argument 2 years ago and I warned her to never bring in my parents into our arguments).

Despite my previous warning, she abused my dad verbally this time and I lost it. I got up from my sofa and slapped her, telling her she can scold me whatever she wants but my parents are off limits! Immediately after that, she took out her slippers and slapped me back! The WORST part - she said what she did was RIGHT!

Now granted, me slapping her was wrong but I didn't know how else to stop her screaming from her lungs and abusing me & my family continuously! She has bad temper and even her own family members already told her to lower her voice and control her anger but she never listens (her own brother is not on speaking terms with her due to a small argument and my wife usually has overreacted).

Her only argument, no matter what a wife says or does the husband does not have rights to raise his hand. Then I told he she (or nobody else) has any rights to abuse my parents and I wouldn't stoop to her level by abusing her parents back just to make it equal.

It's been 2 months ever since, she hasn't apologized and we haven't spoken to each other. I've been tolerating her for more than 3 years now and I don't think I can take it. Now I'm really torn thinking about my kid's future vs my own marriage life.

I (30M) met a woman (26F) last December through a caste-based marriage group. She was preparing for NET and I was preparing for UPSC CSE. We started talking and, surprisingly, found ourselves aligned on almost everything. I developed that intense “first crush” kind of feeling that I hadn’t experienced since my teenage years.

But after a few days, she suddenly started withdrawing. When I asked her what was wrong, she said she doesn’t like uncertainty and only wants to invest her energy where she sees a stable foundation.

At that time, I was preparing for a UPSC Group A exam interview. I tried explaining that my exam had gone well and I had a good chance of clearing it. Even if I didn’t, I’m from a prestigious IIT and believed I could get a good corporate job. But she became increasingly cold. She rarely replied to my texts or answered my calls. For several months, I felt like I was carrying the entire conversation by myself. She never asked me any follow up questions , she used to reply my text in dry tone only .

Eventually, I got my result and ranked under 10.

From that day, she completely changed. She started talking to me again and eventually fell in love with me. I know some people may say she only came back after seeing my success, and honestly, that thought has crossed my mind too. But I was still happy because I genuinely loved her and finally felt that she was choosing me.

I met her in person for the first time after we had been talking for around 20 days. Things progressed quickly, and I asked my family to meet her family.

That meeting was where the problems started.

Her father is, in my opinion, an extremely self-important and difficult or kind of a narcissistic person. He mostly talked about himself and his political experiences and didn’t seem particularly interested in discussing anything else even the marriage. At one point, my father had to interrupt him and say that we had come specifically to discuss the rishta.

Her father basically said, “If the boy and girl are okay with each other, there is nothing else to discuss.”

My father was shocked. He felt that at least both families should sit together, ask questions, discuss expectations, and get to know each other.

Her father also said he doesn’t follow traditional rituals and would prefer taking an oath instead of doing the traditional Saat Phere. He apparently doesn’t have much of a relationship with his brothers either and, from what I’ve seen, has a bit of a superiority complex.

My father came back from that meeting very dissatisfied and told me we should call off the marriage. I refused.

I told my family that I am marrying the girl, not her father, and that I don’t need to have a close relationship with him after marriage.

My family tried to explain that when you marry someone, you are also connecting two families, and differences in family values can eventually become problems between the couple.

But I was convinced that love would be enough.

We went ahead with the roka anyway.

Then her family came to our house for the ceremony. Our house was under renovation at the time, and some of her family members made classist comments about our home. They also complained about how we had arranged the food and had several other issues with the ceremony.

Again, my family became reluctant to proceed.

Again, I stood firm and said I wanted to marry her.

Now there is another situation.

In our family, during Teej, there is a ritual where the boy’s family goes to the girl’s house with gifts and other items. My mother and the girl’s mother had discussed it, and we did all the shopping for her.

My father was waiting for her father to formally invite him to their house.

Her father never called.

My father therefore decided he would not go.

Now my entire family is telling me to say no to this marriage.

And honestly, I’m confused.

The girl herself says she loves me a lot. But she is also reluctant about becoming part of my family. She says she is antisocial and would prefer that we live separately in whatever city my work takes me.

I actually understand that. I don’t expect her to be deeply involved with every member of my family.

But I also know that, occasionally, there will be family gatherings, weddings, festivals, etc., and I would expect her to participate to some extent.

What worries me is that she doesn’t seem particularly interested in anyone in my family except me.

At this point, I feel like I’m stuck between the woman I love and the family I come from.

My family believes they are seeing red flags that I’m ignoring because I’m in love.

I believe they are judging her and her family too much based on her father’s behaviour.

I also can’t ignore the fact that she initially rejected me when my future was uncertain and came back immediately after I got a top rank. That makes me wonder whether she loves me for who I am or for the security/status she now associates with me.

At the same time, I genuinely love her, and when it is just the two of us, we get along extremely well.

**What would you do in my situation?**

Should I listen to my family and call off the marriage, or should I stop worrying about the parents and marry the woman I love?

And how important is it that your partner gets along with your family, especially if you are planning to live separately after marriage?

I would really appreciate perspectives from people who have been through marriage/family conflicts like this.

28f here

I got married a few months back. Before that, I dated him for more than two years. I am a strict vegetarian (from a veg family, never exposed to non-veg, and uneasy around it), while he is non-vegetarian. Before marriage, he promised me he wouldn't eat it in front of me. He said even if his parents made it at home, he would eat in a separate room. He assured me that at functions he would keep me company and only eat non-veg outside with his friends or at his job, so it wouldn't be a big deal and wouldn't bother me.

After marriage, I ended up accepting everything. He orders and eats in a second room, leaves the garbage there, and I am the one who has to pick it up and throw the trash outside. At functions, he eats it while I sit alone on the other side. I was opening my mind slowly and adjusting to him.

We were about to arrange a second kitchen for his food and brought things for it. I just asked him not to use our main kitchen and sink, as I sometimes prepare prasadam there. We agreed to keep the two separate. That was my one clear boundary, and his mother also knows what this means to me.

Recently, I went to my parents' home. His mother went to stay with him because his eye was unwell. She wanted to make non-veg biryani for him; he declined, but she made egg roast for him and washed the utensils in our main kitchen sink. When I found out, I was upset because keeping that kitchen and sink completely separate was the only boundary I had set. When I brought it up, he said mean things, avoided my calls 20 times, and shouted at me. He argued, "This is my home too, why can't my mother cook for me? Why can't I have my favorite food?" Suddenly, he made it about his mother's cooking, completely missing the point.

To give some background, these boundary issues with his mother are old and have been building up since the beginning. For example, right after marriage, my parents wanted to stay at our home for two days. They clearly said in front of him that we would all go outside and eat so no one had to cook. However, my mother-in-law told my husband, "I can't cook for them, I am tired." My husband then confronted me, asking if I discussed with him how his mom would prepare food, completely ignoring what my parents had already said.

Sometime later, my siblings wanted to visit us (we live in another city for his job). My husband told me we "needed space." I agreed and told my siblings not to come. But shortly after, his mother came to stay with us for 5 or 6 days.

During that past visit, while she was here, I was settling things and arranging the house. I spent time talking to her and sharing stories, yet she went and told my husband that I wasn't talking to her. She also told him not to bring my siblings to our home. She would come into our bedroom and clean everything, even the bathroom. She would open our wardrobes, cook, and do everything. There was zero privacy and absolutely no boundaries.

She also told him random things, which caused us to fight. She even asked him how we sleep, saying a couple should sleep close together (chipak ke). She fought with me about why I didn't hug him when he was leaving for the office. She called me irresponsible and said her son is doing "hard work" while I was just studying.

Everybody tells me I have it so good—a nice flat, a good car, good food, and the "best" mother-in-law. But this is the reality. Recently, I was craving a simple romantic gesture like a single rose. But my husband told me that because I am financially dependent and can't provide, I don't deserve that.

I am trying to understand what I am doing wrong. If I start earning, will these things be sorted out?

We all live in Canada, me(35M), my wife(35F) and child(2M), my younger sister(27F) and her husband(28M), and my ex(31F). I brought my ex here after our wedding on spouse visa. My elder sister is married and in India. During the course of my marriage, after finding out that my younger sister wanted to travel and had big dreams, my ex had encouraged our family to send her to Canada to study. My family had never really thought of sending her abroad to study, but since I was here, they let it happen. So my sister is grateful to her. Which I understand. My sister never brings up my ex to my wife or me. My sister also didn't like that I divorced my ex and she's not close to my wife. My sister is polite to her, I won't stand for it otherwise, but her relationship to her is not like that with my ex. They used to go on shopping trips and girls day out and other things, which doesn't happen with my wife. They have hung out in a family setting, with me and my sister's husband, but they really have nothing to talk about.

The reason I divorced her was because I found out she had a past and she lied about it. I have admitted to my wife that I had overreacted on that issue. During that time I was very angry as this person was not someone you think would lie about something like this. She got along with my mother and both of my sisters. My elder sister liked her but she's a bit distant, but my younger sister thought the world of her and didn't change it afterwards either.

Anyways, they are extremely close even now, and my ex calls my mother sometimes to check up on her. My ex's parents were initially not talking to her due to the divorce and they didn't know the past issue, so it was a shock to them. But they do talk now, my mother mentioned it.

My wife keeps checking my sister's social media and sees that my ex and her decorated my ex's new bookshelf or went out for spa day etc. She's paranoid that my family likes my ex more. Which is not unfounded. My ex's family wasn't that affectionate. So she bonded with my mother and younger sister a lot as me and my older sister didn't give hugs often, but she liked it. My wife's family is loving towards her, so she didn't naturally gravitate towards my mother. We don't spend that much time in India. My wife had chosen to spend some time with her family before the visa got approved as she won't be seeing them for some time. Which is fine and we understood. But before my ex came to Canada, after our wedding, she liked my mother a lot, so she had chosen to spend some time with my family, during which they bonded.

Anyways, my wife also knows that my ex had told my mother to support my remarriage as she can't see herself living with me as I'll doubt her again in the future and since I wanted a fresh start, to let me be happy. My mother was hoping that we'll get back together. I had considered it for some time, but she didn't want to. I had to deal with a lot of drama from my sister during that time, saying someone like me didn't deserve her and some other crap. Anyways it worked for the best as now I have a son who's my whole world. My wife is extremely agitated these days as she doesn't like my sister being close to my ex. Ever since she stopped working it has gotten worse. During the initial stages of our marriage, she didn't like how close they were, but it wasn't so bad. Earlier when she was recovering from birth, it was fine as she was focused on herself and we went to India and relatives were fawning over the baby and her. Now she constantly says things like even you had wanted her back but since she didn't want you back, you married me. I do love and care for my wife. My son is two years old now, she doesn't have any ppd or anything. Our plan is for her to start working the next year. Our son goes to day care for a couple of hours now so that she can get some rest and the remaining time she balances well with the toddler and the household. I do cook and clean and take them out on days I'm off. I don't know what to do to make her more secure.

I can't tell my sister to not post stuff on her social media, as she's an adult with an independent family. I can't tell my wife to stop looking, because she's going to get more paranoid.

I have no idea what to do.

Edit : Can we please focus on the issue at hand? I know screwed up with my ex. She's happy now and so am I. My sister loves her because my ex was thr best thing that ever happened to her. My older sister is much older than us so she was never that close. My family helped me settle in Canada. We thought of getting my sister married to an NRI so that she could come here. My ex was against it and said that she needs to travel and see the world before the marriage and made us send her here. She helped pay my sister's fees by mortgaging her gold. She got that back in the divorce along with half of my savings, despite me contributing more to it. She didn't ask for it, I gave it up myself because I didn't want her to struggle due to the divorce. My ex wanted the divorce because I fought with her multiple times. I wish I had gone to counseling then. My ex was a very cheerful person so it was a huge shock to me that she lied and I have regretted it since. I was upfront about trying to remarry my ex with my wife because it was a whole thing with my family discussing with her family. We didn't want my wife's family finding out from someone else. Also my sister has seen how a lot of NRI men treat their household chores as only the wife's duties so she was adamant that she won't be stuck like that. She married a Canadian man. My ex and I convinced the family. It was not that much of an issue anyways because I think my family kind of expected it. We had no more girls to marry off and we are Christian, so there were no issues religion wise either. And lastly please do not insult my wife. She's dealing with a toddler and I have had to pick up more shifts to makeup for our lost income. I love my wife. She's a good person. My ex is a very likeable person. My wife is close to her own family, so she never had that extreme need to bond to someone. She was pampered quite a bit by her family. My ex did not have that. They're all quite cold. For example, if my ex would ask for jalebis and her father would ask her to add it to the grocery list. My mother or father would just go pick it up on the way home from their evening walk and give it to her because she mentioned she likes them. I am not saying that my ex's family is not loving but my family is a bit more loud and expressive. Which she loved. It's not my wife's fault that she already came from a family which supported her. I understand that I was very unfair towards my ex. It was like a month and half of arguments and she decided that she didn't want to put up with it anymore. My ex had bonded with my family during the time she stayed at my house waiting for her spouse visa. My mother is physically affectionate which she liked while her mother is not. My wife on the other hand stayed with her family because she wanted to spend more time with them before leaving. Which we agreed to. She's a completely different person which is not a crime so do not insult her. I don't want to hear a single insult about the mother of my child. My question is about how to make my wife feel more secure. She doesn't want my sister knowing that she feels jealous so I can't discuss it with my sister. I already know that I was unfair towards my ex so I don't need so many people telling me that. Asking my sister to take my wife out for a girl's day won't be very helpful though I'm willing to try that. My sister likes Marvel movies and is obsessed with Harry Potter. My ex was too, so they bonded over that. My wife is not into all that. Completely different personality. She only started feeling this way after she started staying home after our son's birth. If I ask my sister to come and take care of my wife or child at the drop off a hat, she hundred percent would. She's not doing this maliciously as she has no idea my wife feels this way.

I'm 31F and 4 months postpartum. I'm physically and mentally exhausted from taking care of my baby all day. Most days, I just keep looking forward to nighttime so I can finally get some rest.

My baby is very fussy and needs my attention almost constantly, so my entire day revolves around taking care of her. Because of this, I'm struggling to find time or energy for my husband. He keeps telling me that I don't get intimate with him even once every 15 days, and he is very upset about it. But the truth is, I'm simply exhausted and often don't have the physical or emotional energy for intimacy.

At night, my baby and I sleep in a separate room because she is a very light sleeper and wakes up easily. My husband is also upset about this and feels that I'm distancing myself from him.

He has even told me that I'm not worthy of marriage but worthy of divorce, which has been really hurtful.

I understand that my husband may be feeling neglected, but I also feel like I'm struggling to cope with the demands of being a new mother. I don't want our relationship to suffer, but right now I feel completely drained.

What should I do? How can I balance my baby's needs, my own exhaustion, and my marriage without feeling like I'm failing at everything?

I have been married to my husband for several years. He is, genuinely, one of the nicest people I know. He’s a people pleaser, gets along with almost everyone, and even though he’s naturally quite shy, he somehow has this ability to make women especially comfortable around him. They seem to trust him very quickly and often end up opening up to him about very personal things.

The problem is that sometimes they talk about things with him that I’m not entirely comfortable with. I know he isn’t flirting or trying to encourage anything, and I don’t think he has bad intentions. But there are certain conversations and levels of emotional openness that I feel should have some boundaries when you’re married.

He also calls the wives and partners of his male friends “Bhabhi,” which is completely normal in our social circle, but at gatherings I sometimes feel like he goes out of his way to make them feel special. He’ll make sure they’re comfortable, check on them, involve them in conversations, joke around with them and generally give them a lot of attention. Meanwhile, I can sometimes feel like I’m just… there.
I know this probably sounds incredibly petty when I write it down. These women aren’t doing anything wrong, and neither is my husband. In fact, I know the reason he behaves this way is because he’s genuinely good-natured and wants everyone around him to feel comfortable.

But this happens almost every single time we go out, and honestly, it exhausts me.
I think what bothers me most is that I don’t feel particularly “pampered” by him in public. Maybe that isn’t even the right word. I just want to feel like I’m his person. I want to feel that even in a room full of people, there is a little extra attention, affection or consideration reserved for me because I’m his wife.

Instead, I sometimes find myself watching him make everyone else feel special while wondering why I don’t get that same feeling from him.
I’ve never really known how to explain this to him without sounding jealous, controlling or unreasonable. I don’t want him to stop being the warm, friendly person that he is. I just want to feel like I matter differently to him in those situations.

Am I expecting too much, or is it reasonable to want your spouse to make you feel a little more special when you’re out together?

Note: I’ve refined this post with the help of AI to better communicate what happened and what I’m feeling. The situation and emotions described are my own; I just wanted help putting them into words clearly.

Marital status: Married

I’m 31M, married to my 29F wife through an arranged marriage. I love her and want our marriage to work, but I’m struggling with her anxiety.

Almost every other day, something very small triggers an intense emotional reaction. She becomes extremely anxious, sometimes has what seems like a panic attack, and I end up spending 1–2 hours calming her down and reassuring her.

For example, the other night she was using her phone late at night and I simply asked her to sleep. She became very upset and extremely anxious, and it escalated into another episode. During some of these episodes, she has even had a nosebleed.

Another time, I accidentally fell asleep while she was talking to me because I was exhausted from work. She felt that I didn't care about her and became very distressed.

The problem is that these episodes can continue until 3–4 AM. I then have to wake up and work the next day, spending most of my day in front of a screen. I'm honestly becoming mentally and physically exhausted, and even going to bed makes me anxious because I don't know what might trigger the next episode.

I always try to support her and calm her down. I don't want to dismiss what she's feeling, but I'm also struggling to protect my own sleep and mental health.

To be completely honest, there are days when I feel like ending the marriage and living alone, not because I hate her or don’t care about her, but because I’m scared that I won’t be able to continue living with this level of emotional exhaustion.

Has anyone experienced something similar with their spouse? Would individual therapy/counselling for her, couples counselling, or both help? And how do you support an anxious spouse while also setting healthy boundaries?

I genuinely want this marriage to work, but I’m reaching a point where I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. I’m looking for practical advice from people who have been through something similar.

I’m struggling to understand what I’m supposed to do with this situation, so I’d really appreciate some outside perspective.
My relationship of more than three years recently ended. My boyfriend ended it because he believes his parents will never accept me because of my caste.
He is from a brahman family and i come from an OBC caste. He has two older brothers. His eldest brother had an arranged marriage within the same caste. His middle brother had a love marriage with an OBC woman. According to my boyfriend, things have been very difficult for them since that marriage. His mother has apparently made caste-related comments and other hurtful remarks toward his sister-in-law, and his brother now regrets his decision to marry her.
My boyfriend says he has tried talking to his parents and tried to make them more accepting, but nothing has changed. His conclusion is that “you can’t change the mentality of parents,” especially since they are in their 60s/70s.
For the last three years, we genuinely believed we would eventually get married. My life became very intertwined with him, and I had a future planned around our relationship. So this breakup has completely shattered me.
I told him that I’m willing to make adjustments and that we could figure things out together. I work in corporate in NCR, and I told him that even if we had to live with his parents, I was willing to handle it. I told him that I understand his parents may not change, and I’m not expecting him to completely change them or constantly fight with them for me.
I told him that if things get difficult, I’ll deal with it. I can rant to him, we can figure things out together, and I won’t expect him to magically change his parents’ mentality. And realistically, because of my work, we would have to come to NCR from time to time anyway, so we could manage things as they come.
But he says he doesn’t want to put me through what his sister-in-law went through. He also says he cannot stand against his parents and doesn’t believe their mindset will change. He is afraid that if we marry, I will suffer, he will constantly be caught between me and his family, and ultimately neither of us will be happy.
So instead of fighting for the relationship, he has decided that ending it now is the safer option.
I understand his fear, but I’m having a very hard time accepting that the relationship can simply end because of something his parents might do in the future. At the same time, I don’t want to convince someone to marry me if he has already decided that he can’t stand up for our relationship.
Should I respect his decision and let him go, even though we both believed for three years that we had a future together? Or is this something worth fighting for and trying to work through?
And for people who have been through inter-caste relationships/marriages in India, especially where the parents initially opposed it — did things actually get better with time, or did the concerns about family acceptance turn out to be justified?
I’m not looking for someone to simply tell me “move on.” I’m trying to understand whether I’m losing a relationship that could have worked, or whether he has shown me that he simply isn’t willing to fight for it.

I’m 26M and I’m honestly stuck between my family, my relationship, and my own future. I need some unbiased advice because I don’t know if I’m thinking correctly anymore.

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for around 4 years. Both of us love each other and both families know about the relationship.

My family is actually okay with the relationship. They have said that if I want to marry her, they are willing to accept her.

The problem is from her side.

Her mother has never really accepted me. Over the years, I’ve been told things like I’m not good enough for their daughter and that she won’t accept me as her son-in-law. Initially, they asked about my caste. When I told them, that became another issue. Then they brought up the fact that I’m from a village while they live in Lucknow.

Now the condition is very specific: they say I need to buy/build a house in Lucknow first, live there for around 5 years, and only then they will consider getting their daughter married to me.

I have already tried talking to her mother multiple times. Even recently, I asked her to at least speak directly to my mother so both families can discuss things properly. But she refuses to talk to my family and simply tells me to wait.

What makes this even harder is my girlfriend’s position.

She says she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but she also says she will never go against her parents. She wants me to wait for 5 years and fulfill her mother’s condition.

She doesn’t want to convince her parents to consider another option, like us renting a place initially and building/buying a house later. She basically wants me to follow her parents’ conditions completely.

Whenever I say that I don’t know if I can wait 5 years with no guarantee that they will actually agree even after that, she says things like:

“You’ll leave me.”

“You’re not making enough effort.”

“You’re running away from responsibility.”

And honestly, this is putting me under a lot of emotional pressure.

At the same time, my own family is putting pressure on me to get married soon.

My father is around 78 and has serious health issues. My family keeps saying that they want to see me married and hopefully see my children while he is still around. They are also looking at other girls and asking me to consider marriage.

But I’m not financially ready for marriage yet.

I currently earn around ₹60,000/month as a graphic designer. I’m also doing video editing and building a YouTube channel on the side. I’m working hard and my plan was to spend the next 2–3 years becoming financially stronger before getting married.

If my father were healthy and there was no family pressure, I would probably wait a few more years, become financially stable, maybe buy my own house, and then get married.

So now I’m stuck.

On one side:

- My family wants me to marry soon.

- My father’s health is not good.

- My family is okay with my girlfriend.

- They are emotionally pressuring me.

On the other side:

- Her family doesn’t seem to want me.

- Her mother keeps adding conditions.

- They want me to have a house in Lucknow before marriage.

- They want me to wait around 5 years.

- My girlfriend says she will not go against her parents.

- She wants me to wait but doesn’t seem able/willing to give me a concrete alternative or plan.

And the biggest question in my mind is:

Why is the responsibility of making this relationship work falling almost entirely on me?

I have already spoken to her mother despite being disrespected. I’ve spoken to my own family. I’ve tried to find a middle ground.

But I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.

I love this girl and I don’t want to throw away 4 years of my life. But I also don’t want to spend the next 5 years waiting for someone whose family may still reject me after those 5 years.

At the same time, I don’t want to marry someone else just because my family is pressuring me.

So Reddit, what would you do in my situation?

Should I wait for her for 5 years?

Should I give her an ultimatum and ask for a concrete plan?

Should I end the relationship and move on?

Or am I being unreasonable and should I simply accept her family’s conditions?

I genuinely want honest opinions, even if you think I’m the one who is wrong here.

I had been expecting a really good promotion in my career after putting in so much hard work. I had worked immensely hard for this promotion and at that point my entire life was revolving around it.

Then I found out I was pregnant due to a mismatch with the birth control pills I had recently started. When I told my husband, he was immensely happy about having a baby. I however, didn't want to continue the pregnancy becz then I would have lost the promotion

We talked about it and he only told me that I could always focus on my promotion later and that it would be better to keep the baby since we had naturally concieved. I told him I needed some time to think about it and that we shouldn't tell our parents yet. But he went ahead and told his parents out of excitement. They were also extremely happy about having a grandson (????? Tf) That made me feel even more pressured.

I still wasn't convinced or ready to give up the promotion I had worked so hard for. So, despite knowing that my husband wanted to keep the baby I went ahead and had an abortion without telling him and told him a few days later.

Since then, he hasn't spoken to me properly or even tried to understand where I was coming from. It's been almost a month. We haven't talked to each other, he doesn't even look at me, we sleep in separate rooms, have dinner separately. I've apologized and asked for forgiveness so many times, but nothing seems to be getting through.

Ik I made a huge mistake by making such a major decision without telling him. I understand why he feels betrayed and I am not trying to justify what I did.

But now he has told his mother that I aborted the baby without telling him and since then, my MIL has been giving me constant taunts.

She compares me to his cousins' housewives and talks about how good they are as DIL. Taunts me how my husband got stuck with me who only cares about her career, keeps making comments about the abortion and blaming me that I killed her grandSON

To make it worse she came into our home at a time when our marriage is already extremely vulnerable, and instead of giving us space she is making everything so worse.

I feel so alone and helpless, I know my marriage is in complete shambles. I know what I did was wrong and I feel incredibly guilty about it. But I'm so furious and exhausted becz of my MIL who keeps taunting me about the abortion and making an already horrible situation even worse.

EDIT- I have pleaded with him and asked for forgiveness multiple times but he doesn’t listen. Even three years ago, I told him that it might be better to have a baby earlier rather than later but at that time, he was focused on his promotion and career and wasn’t ready to have a baby. So I froze my eggs and waited for him.

Now that he has switched companies and doesn’t need to focus on a promotion, suddenly my career doesn’t seem to matter. Does my promotion not matter at all? I can’t always keep making decisions about my health and career based on his whims naa?

He knew I won't be having this baby at all and would abort it. HE KNEW everything yet he went behind my back and told his mom about the pregnancy, why he did that when I already told him that I don't want to go ahead with this pregnancy.

Him being mad about this abortion doesn't make sense tbh as he knew I never wanted this baby

I am 32f and have a daughter aged 2 years.

My first pregnancy miscarried and the doctor did some blood tests and diagnosed me with apla ana positive which means I should take a blood thinner injection everyday during my pregnancy for the whole 9 months.

Also I have incompetent cervix/short cervix which put me in risk of preterm birth so I got a stitch in 14 weeks of pregnancy. This is a minor procedure under anesthesia.

I got admitted multiple times in hospital due to dehydration because of extreme nausea and vomiting and iron infusions.

On top of all this, mentally drained worrying about the outcome of pregnancy everyday.

This was all traumatic for me, I carried my body like glass, whole day bed rest, I can't even go for a 5 minute walk.

After my daughter's birth, I forgot all the pain. I got my body back.

After seeing yesterday's post of someone aborting the child without her husband's knowledge, I just told my husband about this. He got super furious and asked me never to do such things.

I thought me and my husband were on the same page about not wanting another child. He just told me my daughter might ask for a sibling someday and if it's an accident, we can have the baby.I said it's a strict no after what I have gone through. I told him I will get my tubes tied. Instead of agreeing he told me not to decide the future now.

I just don't have energy physically and mentally for another baby. I am feeling frustrated. He doesn't seem to understand.

TLDR : MIL subtly guilt-trips me about us living separately by repeatedly bringing up her past health struggles and comparing us to other families. I don’t want confrontation—just smart ways to shut down or redirect these conversations without being rude.

My MIL is currently staying with us for three months. For the most part, things are actually fine. My husband has already warned her not to repeat the kind of drama and behaviour that happened previously, so thankfully she has been behaving well this time.
The issue is something much more subtle.
Whenever my husband isn’t around, she sometimes tries to make me feel guilty about the decision we made to live separately from her. She doesn’t directly say, “You should have kept me with you,” but she constantly brings up stories that seem to lead in that direction.
For example, she’ll casually start talking about how, when she fell from the bed and injured her ankle, she couldn’t walk properly for months, how her back started hurting afterwards, how she had to lie down most of the time, how her sister-in-law used to come over and give her hot water, etc.
The problem is that I’ve heard the exact same stories so many times. And I genuinely feel like the purpose is to make me feel guilty for not having her live with us.
Until now, I’ve just tried to be polite. I’ll listen, nod, say things like, “Oh, how are you feeling now?” or “That must have been difficult,” and then try to move on. I’ve been doing this for about a month and a half now, and honestly, I’m exhausted.
I don’t want to be rude to her, and I don’t want to start another conflict, especially since things are relatively peaceful right now. But at the same time, I can’t keep sitting there listening to the same stories and absorbing the guilt every time she brings them up.
I also notice that she sometimes uses other people’s examples in a similar way — talking about someone else’s son who keeps his mother with him, or someone else’s daughter-in-law who does something for her MIL, etc. Again, it’s never an outright demand, but there’s always this underlying comparison that makes me feel like I’m somehow doing something wrong.
So I’m looking for smart, subtle ways to handle this.
How do I shut down these conversations without being openly confrontational? How can I change the subject or exit the conversation naturally? And are there any phrases or techniques that work well when someone repeatedly tries to guilt-trip you indirectly?
I don’t necessarily want to confront her and say, “You’re guilt-tripping me.” I’d rather learn how to make these conversations stop being effective altogether, while still remaining polite.
Would love to hear from people who have dealt with similar MIL dynamics. What worked for you?