r/InsideIndianMarriage

Created a throwaway account just for this. I am not asking for advice or suggestions . Please note I am already taking therapy and working on myself but currently feeling overwhelmed and I just need to vent it out.

This will be long post.

I got married 2 years back to a guy I met on a dating app after dating for around 2 years.
I just feel like I ignored a lot of red flags this guy had and just focused on the few good things, latched onto it and manifested or kinda forced getting married and now I completely regret it.
Funny and ironically he is almost completely opposite to the kind of guy I had imagined to end up with.

Almost all of the years we’ve been together I have planned everything- birthdays, outings, giving gifts, even while we were dating I used to plan when to meet, where etc etc. He was doing his residency (PG in medicine) and was extremely busy and had a hectic schedule so I would travel almost 50kms once in a week/ two weeks to meet him at his place.
Initial 6 months he would take efforts like call or cute messages, compliments but then slowly everything became low to almost no efforts.
Even now 80-90% of the efforts in the relationship is taken by me. He might just tag along or complaint to try anything new that I want to do.
I don’t know how I ended up with a nonchalant guy when I am a complete opposite.
Even at home, I cook and do the household chores, I don’t expect him to do anything because he never voluntarily asks for helps. He will do it if i ask him to that too I have to wait till he feels like helping. So I just do it myself.

To be fair, post the initial bliss of 6-7 months he did say his priority was taking care of his mother (she was a dying cancer patient), finishing his PG and focusing on his spiritual path(meditation and attaining liberation) and wanted a partner who would support in all these things.
I really thought I was okay with that because I felt— Oh, at least he’s not materialistic and he’s funny he’s smart and he isn’t like other guys. I thought I can adjust and make it work.

No PDA initiated by him I am not asking to making out in public but he doesn’t even hold hands, he acts weird in front of his close friends and family like I am his friend not wife.

No compliments for me but just negative comments and criticism on how I look or on my cooking or on any hobby or work I take up.
He will check out other women in front of me and expect I should be ok calling it’s just hormones and It means nothing..
I am not saying I don’t check out other men but I always compliment my husband and make him feel nice about the way he looks, especially if he says something bad about himself.

Also TMI, but he would rather jerk off than have sex with me. He almost never initiates sex and it’s me who always has to and even then he wants to do it only once a week or once in 2 weeks. Probably I am a horny person and I need to have atleast every other day but I’ve accepted that and go according to his needs. We do it as per his schedule of horniness which is always just mornings and never in any other time of the day. I have accepted that also even though I would want to have it at night.
The worse part is he denies me sex at night saying no libido and would masturbate saying it helps him fall asleep.

We have discussed and fought on all of these things many times and he feels like I have too much expectations from him and he was always like this.m and I am wanting something new. The fights have made us just drift apart and we basically are like roommates who don’t like each other.

Also, a lot happened within a year of getting married which definitely impacted us both. His mother who was battling cancer for many years died within 6 months and his father was also diagnosed with cancer. As he was studying for his final exams I had to take care of them. For a newly married DIL, I have gone above and beyond even for them. I was taking care of them and my work and my husband who fell sick multiple times during this time.
I feel like he will benefit from therapy but he is not ready for it.
I have asked for couples counselling from him but he says I need to work on myself and fix myself first.

One more thing, he used to talk about one particular ex a lot and I stalked her, found more info on her, her husband etc. She doesn’t have a personal Instagram account but since a couple of years she has created a page for her website/company who work on making short movies on history/wildlife etc. I found out my husband started following that page on Instagram recently. He even follows her husband but he doesn’t follow back. lol!
He says he doesn’t use insta much, he doesn’t use the app and his posts are all his old photographs he had posted. Mind you he has never posted about me or marriage pics anything because he never uses insta or posts personal pics.
I lost respect for him because what happened to all the nonchalance there? Oh I don’t care about all of these things. Why did he recently start following her?
It worries me because he has talked a lot about her and she was his “first love”
I might be overthinking and feeding my imagination but it’s not okay.

I know the easiest route is just to get separated but I had to fight with my parents to get married to him and they’ve spent almost Rs 25L on the wedding. I don’t know how they’ll react. I feel so lonely and sometimes I feel like we can make it work but he isn’t ready to put in the efforts and I alone cannot make it work for a long time. The same unresolved issues are going to come up and bother me and loop of fights will continue.

EDIT post reading your comments-

1. Thanks to everyone sharing their stories, I feel many of us have gone through something similar and sending well wishes and love to you as well!

2. Thanks for commenting and helping me see things more clearly with words of wisdom. Currently I am taking one day at a time and prioritising myself. I will take a decision once I feel more confident in myself and gather more courage facing parents and society.

3. I am working and financially independent. Most of the household expenses are looked after by me. And somebody asked about alimony, I would be happy to get out this mess with my mental sanity intact. I don’t need a single rupee from him.

4. We don’t have kids, no plan to have kids.
   Also as I guessed, many horny men in my DMs offering me “help”- I am not even opening and reading them. Please try your luck elsewhere. Last thing I need right now is more drama and trauma from another man.

It's been almost 1 and half years since our marriage, my husband (32M) otherwise is a loving, polite and a decent guy. But we've been dealing with some bedroom issues in our marriage from the start.

He rarely initiates sex. Like even during our initial months of our marriage, we would used to have sex probably once or twice in a week or two, that too only if he feels like. He doesn't like getting too touchy either. I try to hug him but he stops me (he says I have a lot of body heat that gets emitted which irritates him).

I believe, I have a pretty normal libido. I'm ok with having sex twice, thrice a week or even more. But he says that is too much sex (even thrice is too much) and it might get boring later. So currently it's like maybe once a week or maybe once every 15-20days, which I feel is too little. Whenever I try to initiate, I get rejected saying he's tired or needs to get up early for work, so I don't initiate sex anymore but rather only wait for him to get in the mood.

But I feel, we are just in our initial years of marriage and I'm already worried about my sex life. And tbh, it's not even just sex, but I crave for the physical touch on a frequent basis. I would literally have to beg for a cuddle or hug after our work.

I of course, have told him what I feel and that I worry about our future. He doesn't think there's any problem in our relationship and even extra marital, porn addiction and too much masturbation has been ruled out. He has agreed to have blood tests done for hormone check. (Btw, we of course don't have a baby yet)

Otherwise he's a nice guy. He has the emotional understanding as well. It's just the physical part which gets me.

A few days back, I had been too harsh with him pouring my heart out about what I felt and kind of told him, that I wouldn't have married him if I knew about our physical incompatibility. (We dated for a year before marriage, never had sex then, but we otherwise used to have normal physical intimacy whenever we met).

Any suggestions or advice?? Or am I being too needy? Or having physical intimacy once in 15 days or once in a week, is okay? Please let me know if I am wrong somewhere?

Married for close to 7 years, no children. We're both in our mid 30s. I've been trying to get in better shape so we can plan for a child. I lost my job 2 months ago and I've been desperately looking for a new role. This whole past year has been very stressful for me in multiple ways. On top of all this I try to do most stuff around the house -- fold and hang up laundry, help set out his clothes and iron his shirt whenever I can, pack his lunch and make his breakfast smoothie (although off late I've not been making his lunch as often as I should), cook dinners, dishes at least every alternate day, and clean up the kitchen afterwards. Lately I've been falling behind in maybe all of these and he's been constantly complaining the house is a mess.

I don't disagree. But then not one day I see him hang up or put any of his clothes inside. I wiped up broken pieces from a stale biscuit on a book I'd given him. I didn't say a word. He complains that I eat food and just leave the bowls around the house, and then I don't eat what I cook and eat other salads and stuff and waste food. Fair. But then I clean up behind him all the time and never say a word ? It's ok if he does it ? Because if I do, he'll find a way to minimize his faults somehow. My point is I don't mind being called out. But it's always one sided, and his contribution to the cleaning is very minimal just because of his commute to work. So many weekends he spends having long phone conversations or watching sports, while I slog in the kitchen.

I don't know, I'm really fed up with this lack of accountability. It really doesn't inspire confidence in me that he'll do a good job when I'm pregnant. If I don't cook, we order out, and then he makes a huge deal of how accommodating and empathetic he is to make me feel grateful. If I don't do dishes they sit there. If he does the dishes maybe once a month, if that, he lauds how we are a team. I can't even take him seriously.

The worst part is being talked down to when I'm really trying. I know I'm far from useful , efficient or perfect but...I'm at my wits end. There's a whole lot more I haven't written here.

Okay, I know this is going to be a long post. I just wanted to vent, but I also genuinely need advice on how to resolve this situation.

My husband and I met about a year ago. He is actually my brother-in-law’s brother, so I married my sister’s husband’s brother.

Initially, everything was good. However, later I found out that my husband had been in a relationship with a woman about six to eight years ago. She was older than him and from a different caste. Apparently, they were supposed to get married, but his brother opposed the marriage. At that point, my husband wasn’t earning and didn’t have a stable job, so the marriage never happened. Eventually, that woman got married and had a child.

One day, my husband randomly sent me an Instagram reel. When I opened it, I noticed that the account shown was that woman’s account. I became suspicious and discussed it with my family. His family confronted him, and he denied having any relationship or connection with her. He even swore on his mother that there was nothing between them.

There was another incident that made me uncomfortable. About 20 days before our wedding, my sister and my two sisters-in-law happened to meet this woman while shopping in the same building. My family never told me about this at the time because they knew I probably would have been uncomfortable with the coincidence.

After our marriage( we got married4 months ago), we went on our honeymoon. During that time, my husband received a message from a number that was basically just five dots: “.....”

I asked him who it was. He told me that it was not the woman I was thinking about and gave me an explanation about it being some kind of work-related protocol. Later, I found out that the message had actually come from this woman.

I also discovered that my husband had been involved in a business with her and her brother for around eight years. He told me that the business relationship was mainly with her and that she was the one who handled most of the decisions.

At that point, I felt completely betrayed because I had never expected him to hide something like this from me.

He also told me that they used to speak once or twice a month because of the business. My suspicions grew even more when, a few days after we returned from our honeymoon, the same number contacted him again. The message was deleted, and there were also a couple of calls.

When I found out, I became extremely angry, and we had a very serious argument that unfortunately became a little abusive on both sides. I know that was not healthy, and I don’t want our relationship to reach that point again.

In my anger, I also called the woman and used foul language toward her. I asked her why she was contacting my husband. My husband stopped the call.

The next morning, when I told him that she had also used abusive language toward me, he called her and spoke to her very respectfully. He told her not to speak to his wife that way and said that he didn’t need my character certificate from her, in a way that seemed to take my side, but felt very lighthearted to me.

I understand that he was trying to defend me, but honestly, I didn’t like the way he handled the situation because I felt that he was still being very respectful toward someone who had been contacting him and had also abused me.

Since then, I haven’t really had peace of mind.

I have also seen that she has called him from blocked numbers. Recently, while I was away from home, she called again. I found out because it showed as a blocked call.

I became upset and contacted her again, asking why she was calling him. She told me, “Ask your husband why he contacts me.”

I asked her to provide a screenshot if my husband had contacted her because, if he had, I wanted to know the truth. She refused to provide one.

Instead, she started saying things like, “Why are you so insecure?” and “Go and ask your mother-in-law who I am.” She also said something along the lines of, “This is the power I have—your husband contacts me.”

I asked her again for proof, but she refused.

I eventually told her very firmly to stay away from me and my husband; otherwise, I would contact her husband and tell him about everything I knew, including the fact that my husband had met her in 2024. I have seen photographs of them together, as well as many selfies of her from six to eight years ago.

Now I genuinely don’t know what to do.

What I want from my husband is actually very simple. I want him to take a clear stand and establish a firm boundary with her. I want him to tell her directly that she should not contact him anymore and to cut off any remaining business contact with her. He told me that he doesn’t do business with her anymore.

But whenever I bring this up, I feel like he either ignores it or tells me to stop talking about it and says that I’m only making the situation worse.

There is also something else that has been bothering me recently. Earlier, I was usually the one bringing this topic up because I wanted some kind of resolution. But lately, he has started bringing her up himself.

For example, he recently told me that she would never have married him anyway because he was from a lower caste and from a family with a weaker economic background. He said that she would never have considered marrying him for those reasons.

I don’t understand why he feels the need to bring this up now, especially when I’m already struggling with trust around this situation. Hearing him explain why she supposedly wouldn’t have married him does not reassure me. Instead, it makes me wonder why he is still thinking about or discussing the possibility of what could have happened between them.

There was another conversation that triggered me. I told him that if she was going to contact him, he should simply block her calls. He agreed that he would block her.

However, he then said, “What if I have to go there?”

She lives in a completely different state, and he mentioned the city where she lives. He then said that even if he had a work-related reason to go there, it would still become a problem for me.

I understand that his work may sometimes require him to travel. But the way this conversation came up made me uncomfortable. I started wondering why he was bringing up the possibility of going to the city where she lives at all.

I told him that if he ever had to go there, I would accompany him. He responded by asking how that would be possible if it were work-related.

I genuinely don’t know whether I am overthinking this because my trust has already been damaged, or whether these conversations are reasonable things for me to question. I don’t want to assume something without evidence, but I also don’t want to ignore things that are making me uncomfortable.

There is one more thing that may or may not be relevant. Although she currently lives in another state, her parental home is in the same city and area where my husband and I live, and I sometimes worry that she got that house or flat here through my husband’s connections or influence. I have absolutely no evidence that this is happening, so I know this may simply be my fear or overthinking, but I wanted to mention it for context.

This is where I’m struggling the most.

I sometimes feel like he has always taken her side instead of mine. I don’t know whether that’s actually happening or whether my own insecurity and loss of trust are making me perceive things that way.

He has always maintained that there is no connect between her and him now.

I also want to be fair and acknowledge something from my side. At one point, I spoke to a man from my past whom I was supposed to marry, but my family rejected that relationship. My husband found out about those calls and accused me of doing the same thing. However, I genuinely only spoke to that person as a friend, and there was nothing romantic going on.

So I understand why my husband may have felt hurt or suspicious too.

The biggest problem now is that we fight almost every day. There is very little peace in our marriage. He also frequently makes fun of my family, which makes things even more difficult.

I don’t want to keep living like this.

I don’t want to spend my marriage constantly checking phone calls, worrying about blocked numbers, wondering whether someone is contacting my husband, or fighting over the same woman again and again.

I want peace in my marriage. I want to trust my husband again, and I want him to trust me.

I also don’t know what to make of the woman’s behavior. She told me that she wouldn’t contact my husband, but I still don’t know what is actually going on between them or whether there is still some kind of connection.

So, what should I do from here?

How do I handle this situation without making it worse? How do I set healthy boundaries without becoming obsessed with monitoring everything? And most importantly, how do we rebuild the trust that has been damaged on both sides?

I know I’m asking for advice from people I don’t even know, but I genuinely don’t know how to deal with this anymore.

I don’t want revenge, and I don’t want more drama. I just want to restore peace in my marriage and figure out whether there is a healthy way for us to rebuild trust and move forward together.

EDIT: adding TLDR: I recently discovered that my husband had a long history with a woman he was once supposed to marry, including years of business involvement that he had not fully disclosed to me. She has contacted him multiple times since our marriage, including from blocked numbers, and some of the communication was initially denied or hidden. I have also reacted badly at times, including confronting her directly, and my husband and I now fight about this almost every day. I don't know whether there is anything romantic happening now, but the secrecy and conflicting explanations have seriously damaged my trust. I want to stop monitoring and fighting, establish healthy boundaries.

How can I manage my pregnancy and a newly joined job while staying at my in-laws’ house for 1–2 years without my husband’s support, as he lives in another state? My job is as assistant teacher in government school. We are just married 6 months back after 6 years of long distance love.

My in-laws often show partiality toward my husband’s brother and sister-in-law, which makes me worried about how I will be treated during my pregnancy and after the baby arrives.

What should I do to manage my job, pregnancy, household responsibilities, and living with my in-laws without my husband being physically present? Has anyone been in a similar situation, and how did you handle it?

One more thing to add my age is 29, also i have a thyroid issue, so i dont want to delay it also.

Need opinion on this?

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