u/Many-Detail-2119

.TL;DR: Divorced after a long relationship with infidelity and instability. Ex is now remorseful and wants me back, while I’m in a stable new relationship and considering marriage. I don’t want to go back, but I feel intense guilt seeing her struggle and can’t fully enjoy my present. I’ve moved on logically, but emotionally I’m still attached and conflicted.

I was married for 5 years, and we were together for about 10 years in total.

Around 2 years ago, my ex cheated on me. After that, things got extremely complicated. She went into what felt like shell shock. She kept saying she loved me, felt guilty, and even suicidal at times, but still couldn’t stop talking to the other person or decide what she wanted to do with her life. I tried to make things work for months by talking, giving chances, and even threatening to leave, but nothing really changed. After about 9 months of this emotional back and forth, and eventually it becoming physical, I started divorce proceedings, and it is now final. It started with mutual but then she pulled back and I filed for contested and the thing is she thought I wouldn't peruse it and it would die down like mutual but I did and its now final and she doesn't know as she didn't appear on later dates and it became exparte.

Recently, she says she has completely stopped talking to that person (I’m not verifying this). Now she’s extremely remorseful—crying, begging for forgiveness, and saying she’ll do anything to make things work. She feels like the person I originally fell in love with, the version of her I wanted to forgive back then. She hates herself for what she did and struggles a lot with guilt and losing me.

A major part of me feels that I would have taken her back if I hadn’t met someone when I was going through the worst phase of my life. It’s been about a year now with my current partner, and we are discussing marriage.

I feel like I’m choosing between someone who could potentially be a better match and someone who could potentially hurt me again, lose control, and bring back all the issues we had in the marriage. She is saying she will work on herself, become better, and is asking me to wait and take my time to figure things out.

I want to move on, but I can’t enjoy myself. The guilt of thinking about my ex alone and crying while I’m with my current partner is exhausting. I feel like I am abandoning her. I wish I still had anger to shield me from caring, but I don’t. I just feel sadness.

Whenever I feel happy, I feel guilty that I am enjoying my life while she is suffering. I am not able to stop caring for her because that’s what I did for 10 years, and my mind is wired that way.

I haven’t told my ex about the marriage plans, and she doesn't know about the finality of divorce so is relieved that I can't marry unless I am divorced but she knows about my current partner. She compares herself with her, feels worse, cries, and becomes suicidal.

My current partner is stable, trusting, and understands me really well. I have discussed these feelings with her, and she gets hurt that I haven’t fully moved on, even when I say I have.

I feel like I have moved on in terms of my decision and don’t have romantic feelings for my ex, but I still feel emotionally attached in a way I can’t control.

I don’t know what to do.

I was married for 5 years, and we were together for about 10 years in total.

Around 2 years ago, my ex cheated on me. After that, things got extremely complicated. She went into what felt like shell shock. She kept saying she loved me, felt guilty, and even suicidal at times, but still couldn’t stop talking to the other person or decide what she wanted to do with her life. I tried to make things work for months by talking, giving chances, and even threatening to leave, but nothing really changed. After about 9 months of this emotional back and forth, and eventually it becoming physical, I started divorce proceedings, and it is now final.

Recently, she says she has completely stopped talking to that person (I’m not verifying this). Now she’s extremely remorseful—crying, begging for forgiveness, and saying she’ll do anything to make things work. She feels like the person I originally fell in love with, the version of her I wanted to forgive back then. She hates herself for what she did and struggles a lot with guilt and losing me.

A major part of me feels that I would have taken her back if I hadn’t met someone when I was going through the worst phase of my life. It’s been about a year now with my current partner, and we are discussing marriage.

I feel like I’m choosing between someone who could potentially be a better match and someone who could potentially hurt me again, lose control, and bring back all the issues we had in the marriage. She is saying she will work on herself, become better, and is asking me to wait and take my time to figure things out.

I want to move on, but I can’t enjoy myself. The guilt of thinking about my ex alone and crying while I’m with my current partner is exhausting. I feel like I am abandoning her. I wish I still had anger to shield me from caring, but I don’t. I just feel sadness.

Whenever I feel happy, I feel guilty that I am enjoying my life while she is suffering. I am not able to stop caring for her because that’s what I did for 10 years, and my mind is wired that way.

I haven’t told my ex about the marriage plans, but she knows about my current partner. She compares herself with her, feels worse, cries, and becomes suicidal.

My current partner is stable, trusting, and understands me really well. I have discussed these feelings with her, and she gets hurt that I haven’t fully moved on, even when I say I have.

I feel like I have moved on in terms of my decision and don’t have romantic feelings for my ex, but I still feel emotionally attached in a way I can’t control.

I don’t know what to do.