r/Divorce_Men

My wife is pretty much finished moving out but has a couple of things she still needs to get. These last few days watching her move out are some of the most difficult I've ever had. My story in just a few characters: I'm 55, 25 years married, she asked for divorce, 2 adult children (25 & 23) who have moved out, we are splitting amicably, still get along.

There are so many things I want to say/ask her but I know I shouldn't (many are kinda pathetic really, but I can't help it - 25 years of love doesn't go away fast).

In an attempt to relieve some of that tension, let's say them here:

• I love you
• I miss you
• Are you sure you really want to do this?
• Damn, you look fine in that dress.
• What did I do to make you go straight to divorce without attempt to fix anything?!
• You're (leaving) is killing me, Smalls
• I don't want this
• You are my best friend, my soulmate, and my ride or die.
• What the absolute fuck?
• Wanna go to the AC/DC / Foo Fighters show?

Whatcha got?

Divorce has been finalized for over a month now. She moved 1200 miles away to be closer to her affair partner. I really fucking did a good job of not saying anything or doing anything that could land me in hot water. I basically shut the fuck up and dealt with her shit for 4 months. I knew the guy too and I wanted to and still do want to message him and chew him out.

I really really want to ruin her and her affair partner. I hope they live miserable fucking lives. I hope the both lose their jobs and become homeless. I hope her car breaks down. I hope she has the worst fucking apartment in texas. I hope that no one shows up for her when she needs it. I hope that she has a strained relationship with her parents.....

With all that said. Im angry and its 1:30am and I can't sleep because I can't stop being angry. And I dont actually want bad things to happen to her. I loved her and she was my best friend for 11 years. Fuck her and fuck her affair partner but I guess I hope they live the most "ok" life of all time.

I need sleep. I hate my life

Well this hit today. Temporary PFA from my ex. A list of allegations that I have to now defend. I will be able to but not can’t see or speak to my kids for 10 days. This is killing me.

(45m) Being separated in the middle of a never ending divorce (been over a year and a half with no end in sight), I tried the dating apps for a good 8 months and met a couple great women (and ended both circumstances after 3 months each) and came to the conclusion that I’m just not interested anymore. Note: I ended the first potential relationship because I couldn’t foresee my biggest trigger post-divorce/devastation - the moment she said ‘I love you’ immediately shut me down as I didn’t believe her.

I had my kids for nearly 600 nights as primary before I gave 50/50 to my ex in the hopes of salvaging a relationship for my kids and their mother for their own 30-yr old selves (1 yr of reunification therapy for my kids and their mother). I thought I would go out more and want to be with somebody more once my kids were not with me for the week. Nope. I finally took a nap (while missing my kids dearly). And then a second one. Every day my kids aren’t with me, I finally rest. 16 years I haven’t rested.

I’ve come to realize my own conclusion: one cannot possibly satisfy somebody else’s future expectations in a relationship. Therefore, being alone is the greatest peace I can give to myself.

Peace. Love yourself. It’s ok to nap and not feel shame. My bitterness inside (to answer the title) is that my ex doesn’t deserve our kids after what she did to them and I miss them every moment they’re with her.

Also note: I’ve had a therapist for 6 years, so this comes from a therapeutic perspective, in case somebody’s first thought is therapy :).

Hi I am (Male) currently 28 years old in the army and scared to hell that I will lose just about everything I have sweated and bled for.
My wife and I have been married for 7 years with 1 child soon to be 5.
I love my wife I love my family but god I can’t do it anymore. For the past few years it feels like I have been raising 2 kids and it beyond frustrating.
My wife is a good mom and try’s her best to be a good wife too me but it’s overshadowed often by the burdens she’s placed on me continuously threw the years(not my daughter I LOVE my daughter).

Currently live in Washington state
What my days of marriage has looked like since the beginning:

1.Cleaning after her slobbish behavior even before a child, when I say slobbish I mean attracting nats and fly kind of slobbish

Why it bothers me: Because I come from a poor but neat family and I clean after myself because that’s what someone who cares about there living conditions should do. But has no problem inviting people while I scramble to clean after her so I don’t get embarrassed.

2.Consistently trying too sabotage me threw irresponsible purchases or irresponsible decisions without a thought for consequence.

Why it bothers me: because at times it even involves my career in which keeps our daughter fed and provisioned for including my wife. While I think twice because it can affect them.

3. Doesn’t know anything despite having far more education than me. But some how I need to teach her the basics of being an adult. Driving,financing,budgeting,child care,cooking.

Why it bothers me: because it feels like I’m the only adult in our home and it worries me while at work knowing my daughter is alone with someone with the same competence of a 12 year old. Too the point I sneak off work to drive home and check on our daughter

4.Makes living hard financially. I can budget a sustainable amount of money for us to still have fun/go out and insure our child is taken care of and she will want to spontaneously buy whatever whenever even when it puts us short until the next pay check.

Why it bothers me: I care about the sustainability of our family as I am drivin by pragmatism while she about fun and wants first driven by emotion.

5.still keep consistent contact with a ex “ as friends”

Why this bothers me: even if she is loyal it the principle and lack of respect for our marriage

That is my big reasons.
Ik there are things she can probably say about me but this is my perspective.

1.We have tried counseling= same problems regardless

2.when she get jobs it’s the hours that pay less then $700 a check and doesn’t bother to save

Asset situation:
Me- $106,000(includes savings,investments)
$3,2000 a month check from job

Her- $I have no idea since I guess her money is hers and my money is ours.

. We do not have any accounts or loans etc jointly I was firm of that when we first got married

. She does not know that I am thinking of divorce

Please help me I know I sound like a hole but I swear that I’m a decent person that just wants too be somewhat happy without the intermittent thought of ending myself.

Is there anything I can do for my assist?
What am I likely to lose?
Should I stay for my daughter?
And advice?
I don’t know what too do at all.

Thank you and have a great day

Hello folks,

I am sick from stress (headaches, upset stomach, flu) because the spouse yells, slams doors, cuts power and WIFI, creates traps and roadblocks in the house, creates loud noise during quiet hours, etc.

Can I NOT pickup her new puppy poop and NOT do her dishes, garbage, toilet cleaning, etc? I only use my private room. She uses 90% of the house. I pay 90% of the bills. Besides having a dirty home, can not doing the house work be weaponized against me? I've done it for so long, but now I am sick and have a huge work deficit because of the shenanigans at home.

I am home only for 6 hours a day, 7 days a week. Some days I might sleep in my car or at work when the noise or harassment is too much.

Thanks.

It’s literally unbelievable how much they truly don’t care at all once they split and discard you for the final time. In the past, she was absolutely attached to me, cuddly, cute, always talking about all the things we had done together and plans for the future. When we would quarrel, she would run away, but always run back.

Then suddenly, she said that nothing had ever mattered, she didn’t love me, she was unrecognizable and gone. I had to see her walking around as a different person in her body. Then came the unbelievable rage and cruelty wherein she systematically destroyed my entire life.

18 years erased followed by 2 years of enduring trauma without respite, inflicted on me by the woman who yearned to marry me and couldn’t stand to be apart.

These people will break your faith in everything. It’s now impossible for me to believe that anything good can ever happen unless it will one day turn my life into a living hell to compensate.

any successful stories out there, not necessarily any kind of revenge or that you went in dated instantly, but just how did life turn out for you six months to a year later? Did they ever try to come back? Did you ever just move on and things got better? I’m about three months post-divorce and I’m just focusing on taking accountability for the things I did and not just trying to point the finger even though it crushed me. I’m starting to accept letting her go, and even though it hurts, I know that I can’t hold onto something that the other person didn’t want to. And if I look at the positives of my life, I have my own place i’m doing good. I’m working on my content creation. and I realized that I can’t compete with her going out all the time and being wild, and that is OK because it’s not what I want to do and I know moving on or using other people as validation will not help me.

Once is definitely enough for me, but it seems like almost every date I go on is ultimately looking for marriage down the road.

​I'm mid 30s, and it feels like a lot of women around my age are dealing with a serious ticking clock. For the guys who have been out of the game for a bit.. does this dynamic change as you get older, or is this just the reality of dating in your 30s and 40s

Do many of you guys experience persistent high conflict with the ex-wife postdivorce? She has nonstop anger towards me; I sincerely have moved on and I want no part of her. Now she is trying to alter the parenting agreement on nonsense allegations and I do not even have 50-50 custody. Obviously, I plan on fighting it.

Short story:

Boy meets girl, we fell in love and she got pregnant extremely quickly (in her late 30s) within a month of moving in and us knowing each other for 6 months. There was pressure on me to propose and we even looked at houses to buy but luckily we decided to rent.

A few weeks after the birth, we had a weekend which destroyed the relationship. She threatened me to hand over my phone and I reluctantly agreed because I wasn't doing anything behind her back. There was no cheating but she didn't like the way I spoke to my guy best friend. I apologized and tried to make it work but the fights got worse and she just could not let go and we were never able to recover from that breach of trust.

I am trying to consider myself "lucky" in a way because we were never married and don't have any assets to split, just custody of our daughter. I am about 10k in with my attorney on a separation agreement which is 80% just about protecting her (she is a very high earner while I make average.) I sacrificed my modest job to take the maximum paternity leave (8 months) so she could keep her job. I return to work next month.

I never knew what stress was before this year. I'm going out and drinking on my days off and falling into older habits I had in my 20s as a way to blow off steam and release stress. I'm back at home for the time being. The hate she has for me right now seems to cloud her judgement even though me wanting to work with her on this agreement is probably the best thing that can happen to her.

Any advice / thoughts are appreciated.

I married a mask. She was perfect on paper. Dating was priceless. Very few red flags. Looking back on it maybe 2. After we got married it really started to show. The first kid was in a year. The argumentative nature really came out. Even when her health was at risk I was wrong. I kept fighting for the kid. Showed her the world. Gave her everything. Still I was rarely right. 2nd kid came 7 years later. She never could be wrong. Finally one day I had enough. I told her we would divorce. I couldnt debate reality anymore. She framed me for a false DV accusation. Months later called, said she had been to counseling, realized how wrong she was. I saw what divorce was doing to the kids. I was so sad from it. I gave in. Blowjobs, lingerie sex, she came to my apartment every day. The kids were desperate to stay with me. 6 months I moved back in the house. 2 years was good. The degrading started, the demeaning in front of the kids. She was pregnant and dieting. I had concerns. She had blame. I tried to talk about it. It escalated. I continued trying. She lost the baby while dieting. I was broken. Nothing i said stuck. She kept spinning it on me. I tried so hard to find words. Sometimes too loud. Obnoxious. Searching for English to communicate what she was doing. She framed me again after 6 months. Only this time she worked the kids in. They disowned me. I am broken. It was a game. I fell for it.

I’m a divorced 41-year-old man, professionally established, social, fun-loving, and pretty intentional about life. I communicate well, get along with people, and feel like I’ve done a lot of the work to understand who I am and what I want.
But honestly, I’m curious—what is happening in the dating world right now?
It seems like emotional maturity, intentionality, accountability, and genuine connection have become harder to find. A lot of people say they want something serious, but their actions seem to say, “I just want to have fun, keep my options open, and move on when something slightly better comes along.”
I understand wanting to enjoy life. I understand dating and figuring things out. But what happened to healing, self-reflection, learning from past relationships, knowing what you want, and actually building something with another person?
Social media, endless options, hookup culture, and the idea that someone better is always one swipe away seem to have changed how people approach relationships. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way.
So I'm genuinely asking—not judging:
Are healthy, intentional relationships really that difficult to find nowadays, or are the people looking for them just looking in the wrong places?
And if you're married, divorced, dating, or happily single, I'd genuinely love to hear your perspective.
Am I tripping, or has dating really changed this much?

Talked with my ex wife in the morning yesterday about her being distant for a few days now. She mentioned that she was done trying to make the relationship work and that she wanted to get a divorce. I tried to keep us together and tried every avenue I could think of but she said that she didnt want to. ***This next part is long as its just context so im not sounding like im being biased you can skip if you want but its just backround information that led up to the divorce*** Just to make things fair, we got married when we found out our child was on the way. I didnt like that the marriage was so rushed and pushed, that our child wouldn't be in our home the first year of her life, that every early birthday was going to mainly take place in her hometown. We live an hour away and there was never any talks of hosting somdthing down here just always up there. I built up resentment and I acted cold during the 3 years of our relationship. She caught me watching porn once and drew the line there, I continued and she caught me again and we had a serious talk and almost divorced then. During this talk I thought we were finally on even ground. The secrets, the resentment & our thoughts just came out into the open. It felt liberating. I worked on things she mentioned and tried to dial myself back. There's issues I have like my anger where I just shut down instead of talking through it, going to Church and being stronger in my faith. Now its about 4 months later and she suddenly wants a divorce. During those 4 months it was like we were just a normal husband & wife. Nothing i could notice that our relationship was getting worse just better. We started doing game nights & Bible studies. We recently started looking for a bigger home so I haven't been able to go to church for I believe 7 weeks straight cause of work hindering the days we could tour homes or something else needing attention. This is now the 3rd time shes wanted to "break up". I dont know where my minds at but I know for sure im not turning to the worst. We have a child and shes at the forefront of my thoughts. I know this is a low time for me but what I can do to make things easier for myself and my mental health? What do yall recommend?

​

I’m going through a divorce, and I’m struggling to understand what comes next.

My marriage ended after a difficult period, and we are now divorced. I still have feelings for my ex-wife, and part of me is wondering whether reconciliation is realistically possible or whether I need to accept that the relationship is over and move on.

My family is planning to speak with her and her family soon, so there may be one final attempt to see whether things can be repaired. At the same time, I don’t want to hold onto false hope or pressure her into coming back.

What makes this harder is the uncertainty about my future. I keep thinking about whether I could eventually have another relationship or marriage, and whether I would genuinely be happier with someone new rather than trying to rebuild my previous marriage.

For people who have been through divorce:

- Did you ever successfully reconcile after divorce?

- If you did, what actually made reconciliation work?

- How did you know when it was time to stop hoping and move on?

- If you remarried someone else, did the second relationship feel fundamentally different?

- How long did it take before you were emotionally ready for a new relationship?

I’m not looking for a judgment of my ex or myself. I’d genuinely like to hear from people who have experienced something similar and can give an honest perspective.

Isnt that freakin nuts!

Nice to get some vindiction after she made all these claims i was terrible.

I do feel bad for her though and our son whos only 4.5

So now i gotta choose to wait for her to get out of this ward she is in, and go back to our old arrangement 70/30 her having primary custody

Or

File for full custody of my 4.5 yr old son

Ultimately ill do whats best for my son what would you do? I know i have a good case.

And

What the hell did she do to end up in a ward with no cellphone access wtf?

Recently separated, married almost 25 years, kids are grown, 53M. She asked me to move out , but honestly there are no plans to "work on our relationship" as the things she needs from me and the things I need from her are too far apart and have gone on for too long that even if we both put in the work, we are not to each other, the partners that we want or need anymore, in my opinion.

From her side: I haven't taken care of myself as well as I should, but I'm very active, just not ripped. Yes I've struggled with alcohol, anger and porn, and am in recovery groups for those things. She doesn't trust me because she wants full accountability every time I drink or look at porn, and I honestly have accountability partners for that and don't feel that she's a safe person to be confiding in.

From my side: she's an angry, perfectionistic person who doesn't seem to like me anymore and doesn't even know who I am at my core, or does know but doesn't care. She was a stay-at-home mom since 2004 and she was ready to go back to work when the kids were old enough to not really need her anymore, instead of getting a (real) job which is what I wanted for her (so she would get more life skills and have to be around other people and finally learn some better communication skills), instead she learned about real estate investing, being a property manager, doing furnished rentals etc, and used our equity and savings to start buying houses and renting them out. She thinks those things have been a success, I think they've over-extended us and brought nothing but drama and conflict into our lives. I think she's busy with tenants who trash her properties regularly and brings her drama and trauma from being mistreated by contractors, cleaners, and tenants home to me and our finances. Every time I've encouraged her to change course and do a less impactful, less stressful, more cash flowing job, it's been a blowout fight and argument.

I've never met someone who is so unable to take constructive advice about how to better measure and manage her business. I do this for a living btw, I do analytics and data for a living and my job is to help companies measure where they're spending time and money and measure ROI/revenue so they can pay attention to the bad stuff and do the things that bring more value and joy. She will NOT listen to anything I have to say about this, says she's too busy to measure her time and that she tracks all expenses and if I want to see them then "there's the excel spreadsheets", like that's the full amount of transparency and accountability that she has to provide. Note: in the 8 or so years she's been doing real estate, she's never taken disbursements or contributed cash to our family finances. Everything stays in the business. So, nothing she is doing is helping us now, which we've needed (I've needed) because my job and industry is immensely stressful and I've been wanting to slow down, possibly retrain, or god forbid hope to retire someday, but anytime I bring this up it's a blow out fight and I'm the bad guy.

Yes, I hid my porn use from her and lied about it later on, but honestly she's choosing to feel "traumatized" by a husband who has supported her for 20+ years, does all the cooking and cleaning, acts as her unpaid handy man for her business, and has a few weaknesses. Yes I know lying is a big deal , I'm not trying to minimize that.

From therapy and recovery groups over the last 1.5 years, I've learned that acting out or soothing with alcohol or porn were just soothing mechanism to manage life stressors, and I've been working on identifying those stressors and everything comes back to her her her.

So , re: the title of this post. this separation has been a mix of conflicting emotions, at first it was a gut punch, a "omg I've put 30 years of my life into this relationship, 25 years married, I've got kids with her, what am I now?" to also a relief that I'm not walking on eggshells in the same house with her, to freak out mode about how this will impact finances. Usually with a separation, you're working towards reconciliation right? We haven't talked about that yet, and honestly I don't think there is anything we can do that's going to "clear the slate" and get us back to people who want to hang out together.

Sorry for the wall of text, I'm struggling here, truly deeply struggling

I wont go into the details of the issues in my marriage. But i cannot help but ask myself every time what if i am not seeing this objectively? What if i am wrong? What if i am being unfair to her?
Would i be taking away a stable home for my kid? Will i be the one responsible for ruining his future? Simply because I couldn’t get out of my own head.

If i rant about everything i am feeling or going through in my marriage, you will tell me that i should either leave or seek counselling.
But, that would be assuming I am seeing this pattern in my marriage as is and not a biased version.
Which m not able to bring myself to trust.

28M with a 28F wife and two kids 4 & 6. Been together since high school (10 years)

My wife went out on 7 PM Friday 8/14 with a girl friend to a karaoke bar down the road from our house. Left me with the kids and just told me she was doing it. When it was 10~ I saw her Life360 moving towards downtown area so I just asked wyd? She responded going downtown and was very short. Then turned her location off and I didn’t see her come back until 2AM. She also said we would get intimate when she came back home. Well me waiting up on her and making sure she was okay was an issue… also the fact that I still wanted her (it has been like 3 weeks since the last time so yeah I want my wife) anyways she hit me with she doesn’t know what she wants, and that she loves me and doesn’t want another woman to reap all the benefits of me changing…. She does this cycle occasionally every few months for the last few years and after it, it gets better for a couple months but I don’t want to live like this forever.

We sit down and talk about everything on Monday because she went back to her cousins house for the weekend while I had the kids here. Most of it is she is picking things that I’d see as small, but obv to her it isn’t.
- She said she just “WOKE UP” on Tuesday (last week) and she just knew that she didn’t know what she wanted
- She doesn’t feel safe or feel like she can talk to me because I always get defensive on when she is attacking me
- I play video games too much or need to wait until the kids go to bed
- I said or did something years ago
- I don’t do enough around the house (these last few days I’ve done everything, cooked, put the kids to bed, pick up and take them to school, dishes, laundry, the whole 9.
I also do a lot in general. I usually do the dishes, pick the kids up, grocery shop, pay the bills out of her account (I send her all the money I make bc of my gambling issue), takeout the trash, pack the kids lunches, we rotate on bathing the kids. In my eyes it’s 50/50…

I do have a gambling problem and when I win I send her all the money and sometimes I ask her for some like $150-200 so that I can play which I know has taken a toll on her. I’m praying and trying to quit.

She remembers everything… literally everything about how I’ve ever hurt her so when she says she’s forgiven me for things it doesn’t feel true if you still hold on to it.. she also has Dad trauma on how he was never there and her parents split and to this day he always chooses other people over his own kids.

I make 85-95k a year and she probably makes about 70k now. We just bought a house together and have been living here for 5 months and she got her new job at the same time.

Overall, some of the things she said is true, but I do love her, I do small things to show it to her. I work
Hard and I love my kids and do anything for them.

I’m on about day 7 where we don’t talk much and we sleep separately. I just don’t know what to do. I love my wife and kids more than anything… how do I handle all of this and how long is too long to wait for her to make a decision on if she wants to try to work it out?

Hi everyone,

I’m writing this because I’m really struggling to cope right now. I never in a million years imagined I’d be a divorcee, let alone less than six months after saying "I do." I have a lot of dark thoughts about how things turned out, but I’m praying to God daily to heal me and grant me strength. I just need to vent and hopefully get some perspective from people who have been through similar situations.

To give some context: My ex-wife and I dated for two years before getting married in 2025. We come from different cultures/ethnicities and lived on opposite sides of the world, so I jumped through every possible hurdle to make it work. I traveled back and forth constantly to see her and her family. When we finally got married, I was the happiest man alive, and my family was genuinely thrilled for us.
I brought her to the US right after the wedding, but things went downhill fast.

Out of every week, 5 to 6 days were filled with non-stop chaos and conflict, with maybe 1 or 2 days of peace. We both suffered, but the complete lack of effort and constant hostility broke me down:

Zero effort at home: For the first three months, she did virtually nothing. I’d come home after working 50+ hours a week, and she’d still be in bed. She didn't pray, didn't offer Salam to anyone (when we lived with my family initially), and didn't cook at all until Ramadan. I had to take us out to eat every single day just so we could eat.
(in the almost 6 months we were married. I spent about $9,000 on food, including delivery food and going to the restaurant and buying food from the grocery.)

Red flags & property questions: She refused to do a Walima (wedding ceremony) in my home city for my community, which always felt strange to me. She also constantly probed about what assets I owned and whose name was on the deeds. Whenever I called out how uncomfortable those questions made me, she always had an excuse ready.

Disrespecting my family: I take care of my elderly parents, and she resented it deeply. She mocked them and insulted almost every member of my family over extremely trivial things.

Attempts to fix things failed: I brought in an Imam to mediate, but it made no positive difference. Thinking a fresh start in our own space would help, I worked my tail off—making over $10k in a single month—to buy and renovate a house for us to start 2026 together. It changed nothing.
Things temporarily improved during Ramadan—she cooked great meals and showed some progress—but the emotional damage she inflicted on me and my family had already built up.

After Ramadan, she expected me to move forward with her green card/immigration paperwork. I couldn't in good conscience file those papers given the state of our marriage and the way she treated me & my family. I proposed taking a break from work, traveling back to her home country together, and working through our issues with a professional or her family before completing the immigration process.

She outright rejected it and demanded a divorce. Later on i found out her mom encouraged her to divorce me.

She claims I changed after marriage, but I disagree completely. I worked myself to exhaustion trying to build a stable life, a comfortable home, and a future for us, but she brought nothing positive into the relationship and destroyed the peace in my home.

I’m sitting here now feeling completely drained, wondering why I put myself through all of this. Sometimes I naively catch myself wishing we had just stayed dating and never gotten married. Going from the happiest moment of my life to a messy divorce in under six months has shattered me.

How do you pick yourself up after something like this? How do you move past the resentment of giving 100% to someone who gave nothing back and disrespecting you and your family?

It’s crazy because i still love her and i know we can’t go back together after all she said and did. But i still want her and her only. I don’t see myself with anyone but her. Maybe i should stop reliving our relationship pre-marriage?

Like genuinely, what did i do to deserve this?

I have 0 motivation in life rn and im not mentally well. I need help.