r/Divorce_Men

My ex didn't yell or cuss me out, but she knew what would hurt. I had a mental crisis in 2019, came very close to killing myself. My job truly screwed me over and I quit with my wife's blessing. Then I spiraled into major depression. I put too much of my worth in providing. I recovered but my value changed in her eyes.

Towards the end of our marriage, my ex repeatedly told me that I could disappear, and "nothing would functionally change." Life would just carry on.

Hearing my once bride dismiss my existence as a footnote almost drove me to suicide again. She said more heinous things but this sticks with me as the coldest.

I'm happily remarried for the past 10 years, so I'm not dating- but I've always been curious about what I'm about to ask:

A lot of guys will say something to the effect of- "dating after divorce is very challenging unless you are extremely good looking or have a lot of money...."

My question- how would a woman know how much money a man has during dating? Again, I'm married; I'm over 50, so this doesn't directly affect me. But if God forbid something ever happened to my wife; and I was thrust back onto the dating scene, I cannot see a situation where I would share my bank account balance, or my 401k balance, or anything like that with someone I barely knew. If a woman asked a question like that, I would probably make a joke, change the subject quickly, and consider it a huge red flag. Yes, I would pay for the date; but paying for dinner and drinks doesn't really show much about a given man's finances.

I'm actually really fascinated by this subject; mainly because when I was single and broke, money was never a hindrance to me getting dates. So a part of me wonders if this is some wildly exaggerated or made up narrative. On the other hand, it's well established that lack of money is a major contributor to divorce; but that's not the same thing as dating, obviously.

Hey everyone. 25M here with two kids going through the process. Been separated for a year almost. I feel like I'm doing better than at the beginning and I'm doing all the things people tend to recommmend here like focusing on being a father and all the personal development stuff. I did therapy a bit at the beginning when things were a lot more emotionally turbulent. Now though I feel almost the opposite. I feel numb and almost nothing most of the time. I just wanted to see if anyone has had something similar and if therapy helps at all with that.

I’m (33M) having a hard time moving on from my divorce. It’s only been a 5 year marriage and I want to move on but I keep griefing about it everyday. It happens suddenly once a day and I can’t handle it. How do you deal with the waves of emotions.

I'm going through a divorce and want to get some perspective from people who've been in a similar spot.

We've had one mediation session, but we ran out of time before getting to the actual mediation/negotiation portion — it was mostly intake and information gathering.

My wife has not reached out to schedule a second session, and it's been a while. She wants to squeeze the most out of me financially.

If I take the initiative and propose a settlement offer, could that work against me ?

Has anyone else had the other party go silent after the first mediation? How did you handle it?

Any advice or experiences would be appreciated. I'm trying to figure out whether to push forward or just let the process play out.

I'm curious to hear honest stories from people who've been through a divorce or separation. No judgment here, just trying to understand what really happens.

If you're comfortable sharing:

What do you think was the main reason it ended?

Were there warning signs you only noticed in hindsight?

Is there anything you'd do differently?

Throwaway accounts are totally fine. Thanks to anyone willing to share.

Sorry I just need to vent.

I (38M) have been dating a bunch since my divorce early this year. I've actually found it not too difficult to get dates, but omg am I finding that women have no idea what they want! I keep getting these 6 to 8 week relationships that end because she's either too busy or not ready for a long term relationship.

Like, girl, you're on a dating app with looking for long term relationship set. I've even started asking on the first or second date "are you actually looking for long term" and they all say yes.

I'm just tired of getting emotionally invested right at the point they leave for some BS reason. It sucks, guys.

My wife has filed for divorce and has deflated her side of the assets. Despite this, I am considering asking my attorney to make a settlement offer. My primary objective is to avoid the high costs and stress of expensive litigation.

Has anyone else done something similar? What was your experience? Any pros and cons?

We were married for 25 years. We met when she was 18 and I was 22. We have 2 kids together. I loved her with every fiber of my being.

Things changed around the 22 year mark. New group of friends. Almost all of them divorced. Perimenopause. She became a social media zombie.

That’s when the shit tests started. Women shit test men for a couple reasons. The main reason IMO is that they need a man who is capable of telling them no. They want a man with boundaries. Because if you have uncompromising standards that you enforce with her, you are able to stand up and defend her against other people. They don’t want a man who argues with them for no reason. Or a man who says no for the sake of saying no. They just want a strong masculine man who doesn’t compromise his moral standards when he gets stressed out. And they will do everything they can to push you to the breaking point. It’s hardwired into their DNA. They NEED a man who is capable of protecting them.

I wasn’t that man. My father was dying from Alzheimer’s. I could see the woman I loved with all my heart falling out of love with me. I could see our family breaking up. It was all happening in slow motion and I was powerless to stop it. I was going through the toughest time in my life. All I wanted was some kindness from my wife while my dad was dying. On top of that, watching my marriage crumbling forced me into fight or flight mode. In my panic, I tried holding on tighter. Forcing her to see what she was throwing away. Which only caused her to lose even more respect for me. Which not only caused her to love me less, it caused her to be repulsed by me. And I honestly can’t say I blame her.

I’m in a much better place than I was back then. I’ve properly grieved my father and the divorce. I’m in the acceptance stage. I have become the man I always needed to be. We’ve been physically apart for a year. But the shit tests have continued. They’re not as frequent. But they are fucking INTENSE.

She recently texted me that she was at the car dealership “just looking” at cars with our son. She bought him one that day. A really nice new car. There was no discussion beforehand.

I love my son and I want him to have a nice car. But I want him to earn it. I want him to have a job and pay for it. She’s been texting me since she bought it telling me that I have to pay for half of the car and insurance. I have simply told her politely that she made this decision without consulting me. That I should have been a part of this. It should have taken a couple weeks. We should have discussed the financial aspects of it so there wouldn’t be any misalignment of our values. I told her that I would be willing to pay 1/3 of the car payment and insurance if he gets a job and pays 1/3. I also told her to get several insurance quotes and send them to me so I can make sure we are getting the best rate.

She went ballistic and told me that she wants nothing to do with me. The last text she sent me, that I have no plans to reply to, ended with have a nice life. I think what drives her insane is not the fact that I lost my frame in our marriage. It’s that I found it again. Without her. That the only thing standing in my way of becoming the man she always wished I could be… was her.

Don’t ever lose your frame. Don’t ever compromise your boundaries. Don’t ever be afraid to tell her no. Because once she loses respect for you, she’ll never get it back.

Howdy folks,

After extended abuse from the spouse, I am finally at the stage of divorce petition, and have some questions that I hope you can help with.

My lawyer's office drafted the petition.

Question #1
Lawyer asks my spouse pays my legal fees. Is this a good idea? Will this piss off the spouse more? (I am the breadwinner, and pay 3x the bills, but don't make even 2x the salary)

Question #2
Also under real estate, personal property, and debts, the lawyer listed to ask the courts to divide equitably. Is this just the template response and it's not decided until mediation/trial?

Thank you.

Been divorced about a year now. My issue is no longer the emotional processing of the affair and divorce, but rather filling my time and rebuilding my life.

I have a lot of free time. I work from home and my job is decent paying and super easy. No kids. I have a dog.

Typical Weekly Schedule:

• Gym 3 days a week (I have some chronic pain issues so can't really exercise more than 3 days a week)
• Social dancing 2 days a week (this has been my saving grace/hobby that has helped with healing)
• Maybe see a different friend once a week if I'm lucky
• Daily meditation, journaling, working on myself etc.
• Daily reading..usually 2 hours a day
• Light computer gaming and probably too much youtube/tv

The problem is between working from home and having activities maybe 2-3 days a week...I'm still "alone" for what feels too much time. All I know is that I'm less sad...maybe even happy when I'm out dancing or seeing a friend. But it's tough. I'm 40...I live in the suburbs...all my friends have kids.

I let myself get too comfortable in my marriage and relied on my wife for too much meaning/social interaction and now I'm paying the price for it.

Any advice is appreciated.

I’m just looking for advice or positive feedback if people have been through this. Been having a rough go mentally lately here is my story.

I was married at 30 and she had 2 beautiful daughters, one from a previous marriage, and another from dating. We ended up having our one daughter right away.

We were married for 4 years and bought a beautiful house together back in 2018. After the divorce we sold it 2023.

I would say the first two years of our marriage were great. Then the fighting started to get worse and worse. In the last year it became a sexless marriage. I admit I was stubborn and took to drinking rather than talking about it. Seemed like every time I would try to talk about it, it felt like she would twist it around and make it my fault. A lot of rejection it felt like, which is the worst.

Well I ended up taking a new job which would require a lot of traveling and more money. We were fighting when I left and she was dead set on filing for divorce which I figured a little space might be good for both of us. Well 6 months in and me working on the road a lot she filed. Which I thought was different she usually calmed down and we could talk it through. Not this time.

When I was gone I heard through someone that this other guy was sending packages to our house that we owned together. Which then I’m of course an over-thinker. Well come to find out, she’s been with or has been talking to this guy. He wasn’t from around there. Must have met on a dating website. Maybe she was cheating prior? Or have been talking to him prior? No clue it’s besides the point now.

Well she wasn’t even divorced from me and with this guy. She would deny it to me but exactly right after the divorce it came out. He would take flights to see her and she would go see him.

Me on the other hand drank and drank like an idiot. Made things worse. Said shit I regret saying that made me look pathetic. I got into some trouble a couple of years back, but now I’m almost a year sober and feeling so much better. And a way better relationship with my daughter. So thankful I decided to wake up.

I met a girl and was dating her for about a year. She was amazing. It showed me what it was like to have a healthy relationship. And she treated me with respect.

Well about a year into the relationship with the new my ex-wife decided to reach out and send old pictures of us and our family saying she. Missed me. She of course broke things off with that guy and was trying right away to reconcile with me.

I don’t know if it was trauma or just thinking of the fun memories with her. I ended it with the girl I had a healthy relationship with. I know it’s stupid. But for some reason my ex-wife was always in the back of my mind and always seemed to have a little hope.

So I started seeing my ex-wife again which I don’t know if you would call it dating. But started having sex again like I never got before. But here is the kicker. I told her I would never remarry. Something in my guy told me this wasn’t right.

Well we did that for about a year and even without alcohol she still put all the blame on me like she had nothing to do with our divorce. I’m pretty honest and admit my mistakes and where I went wrong. But there were still fights.

Anyways when things were going well with her. She completely stopped talking to me and wanting to hang out. Still talked with me about our daughter of course. I finally asked her if she was seeing some which she said yes. That broke me again. Almost the same shit she pulled. Like I was just a rebound. I took to drinking again until last November.

So in the end it’s been a year or longer since she was kind of with me. And just found out through my daughter that she is with a guy still. No clue if it’s the same guy. But my thing is why can’t she be single ever. I haven’t been looking and focusing on myself this last year but she hasn’t been single since we first started our relationship back in 2018. Doesn’t even seem like she took a month off. I guess my heart just hurts and I’m going through the emotions sober. And I do still love her.

My question is because I need/want to move on from her after 3 years of being divorced. I figured I don’t want to get with anyone until I’m totally over her and have a good mindset. I don’t want to do what I did to that girlfriend I had before and hurt her. But I need to move on and just seeing if anyone had been through this and what helped them. Thank you for reading.

Our marriage didn’t last long, only 3 years, no kids. But we deeply connected from the first time we met.

She was my personal angel, and then one day she changed, she became violent.

And then one day she realized I was on the verge of leaving. So she decided she’d make the first move.

She called the police on me, lied about the abuse to her family, my family, our friends, and then filed for divorce. I lost everything in the process and now I’m struggling to pay my lawyer fees.

I know I should feel anger or hate. I should also feel lucky that all she could was take my money, and lock me up. At least we didn’t have kids together.

A few days before what she did we were on vacation having such good times. An hour before the call we were planning our dinner date.

Despite it all, I can’t help but miss her deeply.

Wife left suddenly when I thought everything was fine after she decided she didn't think she was supposed to be married to anyone.

Now 1.5yrs separated and i'm 42. At first I immediately tried to replace her with a new long term "well if i'm gonna find another 10yr partner I better get started" was my mindset. Luckily that passed and i've been single the last year just going on dates nothing more than short term situationships.

Ive really started to wonder wtf I even want anymore. My ex and I had an amazing sex life, like 5x a week up till we separated, thats probably what I miss most. I feel some loneliness sometimes but man i've grown a ton, done a ton of work. I love being solo now, the freedom is unmatched. I gave a lot to her and her needs, her family needs when we were together. Now I do whatever i want whenever i want. I just got back from my first time at burning man which was insane, totally what I needed.

But now I just find myself kinda going what the hell do I want now? I feel like I tried the whole serious life partner give up some of myself to make our life together work. And look where that got me. My therapist pushed me the other day saying "WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT" and it was upsetting because I mean I guess I DID want to make the marriage work. I married my ex because she was the best partner i'd ever had and I really couldn't image wanting more. I probably was more co dependent then as well. Now i'm just like my life is pretty fucking great on my own. So why change it for anyone else.

Meanwhile the dating scene isn't great. I mean i date without issues, but I haven't met anyone i felt like could be long term. I wont lie i'm probably pretty vain at this point, youre hot as fuck but you live in a shed in your friends backyard? Sign me up for a some short term fun.

I dunno if this is what im aiming at (not trying to find this exactly). Or its 2026 and everyone successful and solid is locked down, so whats left is the poly and left overs like me?

Just kinda venting here I guess but would be curious to see what ya'll have to say?

This is all my fault. But we can’t afford to split all the way yet because my wife is going back to work.

We still live together with our 2 boys. We had a good week and it felt awesome. I don’t want this. I want to stay together.

She gave me papers today. I’m devastated. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I let myself care again.

My ex wife was “accidentally” impregnated. When we met I was making a lot of money and doing well. Then the “accidentally“ pregnancy. She was then a stay at home mom. Then another child still stay at home mom. House Boat cars. Then the economy took a turn for the worse, late 80’s early 90’s. All of a sudden I am a jerk and cheating. (Which was not) And divorce papers filed and I lost my house and 50 percent of all other financial assets. Bitches be mean and evil.

All the paperwork is in and now I am just waiting on my ex to be served with the divorce paperwork to officially start what will most likely be a long, drawn-out battle.

I don’t miss her. My life is a lot less chaotic without her in it. I don’t have to deal with all of her affairs, her lies, and her manipulations. She is truly a horrendous person and I can’t believe I didn’t see it when we were together.

I am lonely though. I have had to carry myself through everything this past year. I have entire months that are just blacked-out in my memory because of how bad things were. I had no one to lean on and there were times I did not think I could keep going.

Somehow I am still here but the serving of the paperwork has just reopened all sorts of wounds. I start with a new therapist soon so I am hopeful I will have at least one support.

I read online that I need to talk positively about the other parent to our son… but I find it hard to do this after the actions of my ex so I usually end up either staying silent or giving a noncommittal answer when my son brings her up. I feel like that advice is for “normal” breakups and mine is not that at all.

My ex is attempting a silver-bullet divorce which has been one of the most humiliating, shame-inducing, betrayals of my entire life. She also passively encouraged me to kill myself after she made these false allegations. I truly believe that there will come a time when she discards our son just as coldly as she did me so I worry if I speak positively about her to my son then this will fuck him up more when she does this. It is hard to know what to do in this situation.

Can anybody relate to any of this? Any advice, tips, or just encouragement to keep going one more day?

Backstory: So I found myself agreeing to my wife's desire to divorce. Just trying to heal after she left me & I need the security of independence like she has... I don't want this. I love her, I love my kids. We're cordial & in agreement 50/50 over custody. She just wants out bc she doesn't believe we're good enough together & just don't agree.* she also doesn't want a lawyer involved & thinks we can just divorce out of court cheaply. She was wrong I found. Court is required... and a lot of forms...... in order to seek out that personal security that she's not gonna ruin me. I went through the forms figuring things out. Then it hit me we should just get this over with. Separate financials & work on ourselves separately. If she comes back. Fine so be it. I can't heal not knowing if she's gonna bury me.

Plan:

- Meet up & fill out drafts of forms (done)

- I transfer drafts into digital copies

- I print copies for her & me to review independently.

- we review the copies w/free attorneys from the state.

- come back together & update docs if we change minds.

- I reprint & include my response & hand it to her.

- She goes to court clerk & files them.

- we wait...

We're totally in agreement on everything. And a few days later through our plan... I realized I'm sitting here filling out divorce forms for my wife against me... it's kinda surreal...

Making me question things... I've never heard of a story like this... am I wrong for just agreeing?........ I love her... maybe this is my codependency making me submit & letting her go over 7yrs of marriage. It's not like she wants anything. I'm willingly giving child support bc I feel it's right. It's not like I won't be with them 50% of the time too...