u/Huskyboah

I’ll give you a summary the best I am able to, my wife mentally, emotionally, and physically abused me(weapons,biting etc) for years. Towards the later parts of our relationship I became physically aggressive back, this bothers me immensely. However where things get muddy is in an instance like this, one time we had went out to eat at a local restaurant, I was very tired that day and tried to communicate that before we left, as we was at the restaurant our son who was 2 at the time was very fussy and I became uncomfortable because I felt like many of the other people in there was giving us dirty looks for being that couple with the loud kid, I made a comment about how I wish we had stayed home because I felt embarrassed. I recall walking to the car after we paid the bill and noticed my wife was upset, when I asked what was wrong she began to verbally abuse me and degrade me, she continued to do so without a break for approximately 5-10 minutes as we was driving and even got to the point of saying I was an awful driver and would kill us all because of it. I remember feeling like my body absolutely could not take any more verbal harassment and I turned and punched her in the arm a single time, I am not proud of it, she didn’t make me do it. I own it etc. But I am struggling mentally regarding instances like that, she would provoke me verbally until I reached a breaking point. I’m not wanting to blame her and avoid accountability, but I truly don’t think my core person is someone who does those things, if I had never been in that relationship I don’t believe I would have done such an awful thing. Can prolonged exposure to abusers/bad environments lead their victims to commit acts such as what I listed? It was always a spur of the moment reaction and I immediately owned it and apologized for it, I went to therapy while we was together and my therapist told me I was being manipulated etc, most of the time my wife would use those events as ammunition to promote the idea I was mentally ill. Any feedback I’ll appreciate.

I (M23) left my wife(F24) on April 27th we have been together 6 years and will be married for 4 years when our divorce is finalized. About 3-6 months into the relationship she was verbally abusive and about 1 1/2-2years into the relationship she became physically abusive (Maybe even earlier than that but I can’t remember for sure). I endured her physical abuse for about a year or two before I ever hit her back, I remember feeling like a monster, grieving over what I did, I told her that she didn’t deserve that, that I made the decision nobody forced me to, and I didn’t ever want to do it again. Unfortunately as our relationship went on the abuse from her only worsened, it became mental, and the physical abuse became extreme, just to name a few she bit me once (I have proof) until I bled and bruised purple, she broke a plastic laundry basket on me, scarred my arm with a broom handle, stomped on my chest, choked me, busted the bedroom door in with an aluminum ball bat while I was hiding on the other side and probably others I can’t remember. Not always but at times I would fight back, and I can remember her always making me feel like I was crazy, she’d tell me I was mentally ill, tell me I wasn’t in my right mind, tell me it was because of my childhood (some maternal trauma) and I eventually went to therapy because I knew I didn’t want to be that person and wanted to have a stable home environment, wanted my marriage to improve etc. I saw that therapist for several months but her style wasn’t beneficial for me, I went to a hospital because I was feeling suicidal over the monster I thought I was and wanted to be fixed, later on I went to another facility because I was horrified at something I said out of anger and wanted to be “fixed”. She would say that a lot “if you can just get fixed everything will be okay”, mind you she never took accountability, never apologized, never went to therapy, she never took action and told me it was my fault I got hit because I didn’t walk away when I should’ve. I own all of my poor choices and it still haunts me, but eventually I realized through my current therapist I was being abused and manipulated, that my wife had sat back and let me think I was broken/crazy while she was the real abuser, did I make some bad choices? yes I did, there was even an instance or two where I became so incredibly stressed and overwhelmed/angry I became the one to make it physical first, I am not proud of it but you know what? I always owned it, never excused it, and was solution minded. She cannot say the same. So I left, but her words and voice still haunts me, that I’m the problem, to be made feel crazy that you question the validity of your own thoughts and experiences is terrifying. I’m not a flawless victim, it’s not black and white, but I’m glad I got out. There’s so many more terrible things I could tell you she did, like how she’d say she’d expose me for when I had hit her (ignoring her own behavior) if I left, or threatened suicide etc. my advice to anyone who wants to leave is please just do it.

Learning about reactive abuse has helped me cope with my own faults/poor choices I made in that abusive environment, it has helped me begin to entertain the possibility that my core person isn’t truly awful/someone who behaves that way.

For the last 2 and 1/2 years she told me that she believed exactly like I did as far as leaving Christianity/the church we were attending. To make the hurt even worse after I left her she decided to go back to our old church (hadn’t been there in about 3years and she talked about the members like trash) and “testify” that she needed prayer/God more than ever because I left her, essentially making herself the victim. When I confronted her saying I didn’t appreciate her feeling the need to include people in our business she explained that she needed Jesus more than ever right now and that because I left she no longer had a spiritual leader. I feel so betrayed, was she lying to me the entire time we had been gone from there about what she believed, doesn’t matter now I guess? So many layers to all the damage she’s done to me. Zero accountability, zero insight, just bullshit from a good ole Christian.

Me(M23) and my wife(F24) have been together since high school, and married since 2022, in that time we have progressively gotten worse with fighting, verbally and even physically(I take full accountability for and regret that I allowed myself to get in a situation where I made those poor decisions), it definitely got worse after our son was born, I always told my wife that we absolutely could not continue doing that because it was incredibly unhealthy and our son did not deserve to see it, for the last two years I’ve been seeking help however I can in hopes I’d change and the marriage would improve, I was hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation(incredibly depressed and absolutely broke down) seen two different therapists (seen my current one for almost a year) and tried many different medications. Unfortunately we found out my wife is pregnant a few weeks ago(I say unfortunately because it makes this entire thing more difficult/complicated), and despite everything I’ve tried nothing has ever improved, so I finally made the decision for myself and these children that I had to leave because I don’t deserve to be in that environment and those children don’t deserve to see it. When I was leaving my wife went absolutely belligerent, saying that I was lazy and hadn’t done anything to change, that she’s gonna kill herself, that I have shattered her world. But I felt like I had no other choice, I take full responsibility for my faults/actions in that marriage but where me and her differ is that she never made any attempts to change with me. She never tried. She is trying to get me to come back, saying I’m gonna cause her to lose the baby, that I never gave her a chance to change/get better and that she’s found a therapist and marriage counselor (I have proof exactly a year ago telling her something would have to improve or we was done). But even though I know that I no longer want to be with her, and that I made the right choice for my children and myself I feel like a monster, seeing her cry how she does and talking about how badly I’ve hurt her pains me, but I’m gonna be strong and not go back. I’ll support financially however I need to and be apart of those kids lives too. But I’m done with her, so after YEARS(practically the whole relationship) of this I decided that I wanted better for myself and my children, wish me luck as I continue this process and filing for divorce. Because I’m concerned she isn’t gonna be civil.

Do you think I made the right choice?