Need honest advice: 4-year relationship, both families, and marriage pressure - what should I do?
I’m 26M and I’m honestly stuck between my family, my relationship, and my own future. I need some unbiased advice because I don’t know if I’m thinking correctly anymore.
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for around 4 years. Both of us love each other and both families know about the relationship.
My family is actually okay with the relationship. They have said that if I want to marry her, they are willing to accept her.
The problem is from her side.
Her mother has never really accepted me. Over the years, I’ve been told things like I’m not good enough for their daughter and that she won’t accept me as her son-in-law. Initially, they asked about my caste. When I told them, that became another issue. Then they brought up the fact that I’m from a village while they live in Lucknow.
Now the condition is very specific: they say I need to buy/build a house in Lucknow first, live there for around 5 years, and only then they will consider getting their daughter married to me.
I have already tried talking to her mother multiple times. Even recently, I asked her to at least speak directly to my mother so both families can discuss things properly. But she refuses to talk to my family and simply tells me to wait.
What makes this even harder is my girlfriend’s position.
She says she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but she also says she will never go against her parents. She wants me to wait for 5 years and fulfill her mother’s condition.
She doesn’t want to convince her parents to consider another option, like us renting a place initially and building/buying a house later. She basically wants me to follow her parents’ conditions completely.
Whenever I say that I don’t know if I can wait 5 years with no guarantee that they will actually agree even after that, she says things like:
“You’ll leave me.”
“You’re not making enough effort.”
“You’re running away from responsibility.”
And honestly, this is putting me under a lot of emotional pressure.
At the same time, my own family is putting pressure on me to get married soon.
My father is around 78 and has serious health issues. My family keeps saying that they want to see me married and hopefully see my children while he is still around. They are also looking at other girls and asking me to consider marriage.
But I’m not financially ready for marriage yet.
I currently earn around ₹60,000/month as a graphic designer. I’m also doing video editing and building a YouTube channel on the side. I’m working hard and my plan was to spend the next 2–3 years becoming financially stronger before getting married.
If my father were healthy and there was no family pressure, I would probably wait a few more years, become financially stable, maybe buy my own house, and then get married.
So now I’m stuck.
On one side:
- My family wants me to marry soon.
- My father’s health is not good.
- My family is okay with my girlfriend.
- They are emotionally pressuring me.
On the other side:
- Her family doesn’t seem to want me.
- Her mother keeps adding conditions.
- They want me to have a house in Lucknow before marriage.
- They want me to wait around 5 years.
- My girlfriend says she will not go against her parents.
- She wants me to wait but doesn’t seem able/willing to give me a concrete alternative or plan.
And the biggest question in my mind is:
Why is the responsibility of making this relationship work falling almost entirely on me?
I have already spoken to her mother despite being disrespected. I’ve spoken to my own family. I’ve tried to find a middle ground.
But I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.
I love this girl and I don’t want to throw away 4 years of my life. But I also don’t want to spend the next 5 years waiting for someone whose family may still reject me after those 5 years.
At the same time, I don’t want to marry someone else just because my family is pressuring me.
So Reddit, what would you do in my situation?
Should I wait for her for 5 years?
Should I give her an ultimatum and ask for a concrete plan?
Should I end the relationship and move on?
Or am I being unreasonable and should I simply accept her family’s conditions?
I genuinely want honest opinions, even if you think I’m the one who is wrong here.