u/Sudden_Ad_6818

I (30M) met a woman (26F) last December through a caste-based marriage group. She was preparing for NET and I was preparing for UPSC CSE. We started talking and, surprisingly, found ourselves aligned on almost everything. I developed that intense “first crush” kind of feeling that I hadn’t experienced since my teenage years.

But after a few days, she suddenly started withdrawing. When I asked her what was wrong, she said she doesn’t like uncertainty and only wants to invest her energy where she sees a stable foundation.

At that time, I was preparing for a UPSC Group A exam interview. I tried explaining that my exam had gone well and I had a good chance of clearing it. Even if I didn’t, I’m from a prestigious IIT and believed I could get a good corporate job. But she became increasingly cold. She rarely replied to my texts or answered my calls. For several months, I felt like I was carrying the entire conversation by myself. She never asked me any follow up questions , she used to reply my text in dry tone only .

Eventually, I got my result and ranked under 10.

From that day, she completely changed. She started talking to me again and eventually fell in love with me. I know some people may say she only came back after seeing my success, and honestly, that thought has crossed my mind too. But I was still happy because I genuinely loved her and finally felt that she was choosing me.

I met her in person for the first time after we had been talking for around 20 days. Things progressed quickly, and I asked my family to meet her family.

That meeting was where the problems started.

Her father is, in my opinion, an extremely self-important and difficult or kind of a narcissistic person. He mostly talked about himself and his political experiences and didn’t seem particularly interested in discussing anything else even the marriage. At one point, my father had to interrupt him and say that we had come specifically to discuss the rishta.

Her father basically said, “If the boy and girl are okay with each other, there is nothing else to discuss.”

My father was shocked. He felt that at least both families should sit together, ask questions, discuss expectations, and get to know each other.

Her father also said he doesn’t follow traditional rituals and would prefer taking an oath instead of doing the traditional Saat Phere. He apparently doesn’t have much of a relationship with his brothers either and, from what I’ve seen, has a bit of a superiority complex.

My father came back from that meeting very dissatisfied and told me we should call off the marriage. I refused.

I told my family that I am marrying the girl, not her father, and that I don’t need to have a close relationship with him after marriage.

My family tried to explain that when you marry someone, you are also connecting two families, and differences in family values can eventually become problems between the couple.

But I was convinced that love would be enough.

We went ahead with the roka anyway.

Then her family came to our house for the ceremony. Our house was under renovation at the time, and some of her family members made classist comments about our home. They also complained about how we had arranged the food and had several other issues with the ceremony.

Again, my family became reluctant to proceed.

Again, I stood firm and said I wanted to marry her.

Now there is another situation.

In our family, during Teej, there is a ritual where the boy’s family goes to the girl’s house with gifts and other items. My mother and the girl’s mother had discussed it, and we did all the shopping for her.

My father was waiting for her father to formally invite him to their house.

Her father never called.

My father therefore decided he would not go.

Now my entire family is telling me to say no to this marriage.

And honestly, I’m confused.

The girl herself says she loves me a lot. But she is also reluctant about becoming part of my family. She says she is antisocial and would prefer that we live separately in whatever city my work takes me.

I actually understand that. I don’t expect her to be deeply involved with every member of my family.

But I also know that, occasionally, there will be family gatherings, weddings, festivals, etc., and I would expect her to participate to some extent.

What worries me is that she doesn’t seem particularly interested in anyone in my family except me.

At this point, I feel like I’m stuck between the woman I love and the family I come from.

My family believes they are seeing red flags that I’m ignoring because I’m in love.

I believe they are judging her and her family too much based on her father’s behaviour.

I also can’t ignore the fact that she initially rejected me when my future was uncertain and came back immediately after I got a top rank. That makes me wonder whether she loves me for who I am or for the security/status she now associates with me.

At the same time, I genuinely love her, and when it is just the two of us, we get along extremely well.

**What would you do in my situation?**

Should I listen to my family and call off the marriage, or should I stop worrying about the parents and marry the woman I love?

And how important is it that your partner gets along with your family, especially if you are planning to live separately after marriage?

I would really appreciate perspectives from people who have been through marriage/family conflicts like this.