I think I finally scared myself into stopping
Long story short, I was clean for years. I just graduated college. I’ve been freaking out. This has been a particularly intense relapse. I was having really intense urges during dungeons and dragons (right now) and went to the bathroom and did a few. The last one I did fast instead of slow, and it’s gaping to fat. I have a pad taped to my arm under my jacket sleeve until DoorDash brings snacks for everyone (and butterfly strips for me). As soon as I saw it, the usual satisfaction was replaced with dread and fear. I now can’t imagine doing it again. After nearly a decade on and off, I think I finally snapped myself out of it. Let’s hope this dread is permanent. Be careful, everyone. Be safe.