I lived with gender identity anxiety for years. It is a NSFW post
I lived with gender identity anxiety for years. I am so sad for my past self that they have to live with such an anxiety. I had this masturbation style that I imagined myself as a man, having s*x with women. I was enjoying it but then feeling so confused. It was the only time I imagined being a man back then (now this fantasy is a part of my routine but back then it was pretty confusing 🥺). I kept running away thinking about my gender. This is also linked with some traumas and stuff. I don’t know guys, life was pretty hard back then. I took SSRI pills to cope with this anxiety. I kept thinking that i need to choose sides but i couldn’t. This was my college years.
I just wanted to open up. When I started to see myself as a whole and read my story detached, these traumas came back to be dealt with. I am sorry for my past self because they felt so serious living life. They couldn’t enjoyed life. It was heavy. And i also couldn’t tell anyone about my anxiety back then because i feared that they would understand me wrong and try to label me or make me choose sides and stuff. I need some empathy.
I wanna talk a little bit about my anxiety too right now. I still get anxiety sometimes about different topics. And this identity anxiety is not as loud as it was in the past now. But i have anxiety for different matters. It might be poisoning anxiety, the anxiety linked with fear of being alone. Or it might be about my career, relationships and stuff. I am in a somatic therapy and deal with my emotions better right now. But, it still gets me. For example, last night, with the help of hantavirus, my fear of ending up alone in a pandemic triggered so bad. And it also triggered someof my beliefs at the same time. It was like 4 things being triggered at the same time. I dealt with anxiety but i realized that it was actually so overwhelming for me. I am thinking SSRIs again by continuing somatic treatment too. I don’t know what to do but it’s being triggered at the middle of the day is so overwhelming 😔
It’s similar like constantly getting dysphoria. If it was constant we would consider transitioning right? Or if we were fixed at one gender, then we wouldn’t sit with the dysphoria and wait for it to go away or sth. The same goes for anxiety i guess. Considering SSRIs again makes me feel hopeful.