Non birthing parent PPD and venting
Hello,
My wife (36f) and I (36f) just had our rainbow baby girl 7 months ago. She is the birth parent to our living child and I gave birth full term 3 years ago to a stillborn girl.
We’ve been trying to have a child now for 4 years. We’ve been together for 9 years, we’re married.
I am so absolutely depressed and my nervous system is fried. I have crippling anxiety now worse then I’ve ever had in my life. Sometimes I can’t sleep. I often dissociate and count down the hours until nap time and bedtime. Our daughter is an angel. She hardly cries and sleep well. Honestly she’s a bit of a unicorn baby. She’s cute and healthy and everything we wanted. And yet I am mourning.
I don’t know what happened but since she’s been born I haven’t fully felt connected to her. I miss her when I’m away, but I feel like I could also do without for a while. And I feel horrible for even admitting that. I miss having alone time. And sometimes I’m worried I regret it. But that doesn’t make any sense because I’ve wanted this for so long and we’ve tried so hard to get here. I’m living the life we built together and now I keep fantasizing about running away and never coming back. I love my wife deeply too she’s truly the love of my life. But I feel so utterly disconnected and sad. I cry all the time. I feel like a burden. I feel like a horrible mom and she’s only 7 months old. I take good care of her, but her needs are so much easy to meet and she’s always happy it’s easy to just sit and dissociate while she plays.
I don’t know and every time I look what I’m feeling up it says PPD but I didn’t give birth. And then when I look THAT up it says “support for men” which I’m not. I’m already on SSRIs and I’ve been to loads of therapy I just feel like those suggestions aren’t gonna do anything. And I feel so ashamed that I’m not beaming with joy and instead have this fist in my chest at all times.
Anyone who didn’t give birth experience this? Am I crazy?