Are toxic parents normal?
For my childhood, from as far as I remember (around 5 years old), I was always raised in a tense household where my father could burst into rage at any second. Be it that he was raised is a very traditional hokkien family where affection and emotional regulation was not taught at all, sometimes living at home felt more stressful than being out, especially when he was at home. Although this is not the case most of the time, it is quite the norm throughout the years for him to have phases of insane maniac episodes, with the most extreme happening during a difficult phase of his employment when I was around 11-12.
During difficult times, he would often threaten to split our family, saying things like ‘let’s just all go our separate ways and live on our own’ when he felt that we were ‘against him’. For context, he is the sole authority figure of the house, where his words were the end all be all most of the time, so hearing that from the age of 7 till now (19), it affected me emotionally of course. However, as I grew up, I got more desensitized to it, all be it not completely unaffected. I remember researching resale flat prices at the age of 11 after a huge argument, where he threatened to divorce my mom and leave us, saying that he will sell the house so that we will all live on our own. That was honestly the worst time of my life.
However now that I am older, he knows I am not so gullible to believe these kind of things anymore. Alternatively, he has been subtly trying to hint that he does not wish to raise or support me anymore, saying things like ‘I have already fulfilled and finish my whole period being your father’ (because I am 19 and an adult already) or things like ‘your wings should harden and you should be able to fly off on your own already’ (don’t mind if it sounds weird as the original quote is actually in Chinese). This worries me as uni is starting soon and I definitely do not have the funds to pay for it. However, now that I’m older, I am not sure if this is another tactic for him to assert control over me just like how he did when I was young, using financial manipulation to make me feel like I needed him to survive or something.
This made me grow a hatred for him from when I was young until now, to the point of wishing that he was gone so that my life would not be so difficult, which I knew was not right. This was made worse by me being in good schools throughout secondary school to JC, as everybody around me seemed to have picture perfect families that cared for them and would do them no harm like mine did to me. Everybody says that comparison is the thief of joy but when you truly see how many people around you have normal families and normal parents, you really cannot help but feel like you are the outlier among everyone.
I do know that this is extremely toxic, and I do have relatives that will open their doors to me if things get too messy. However I just wish to know, is this supposed to be a normal upbringing? Or should I get this consulted with a therapist so that I can ‘correct’ myself and move on from the trauma he has created for me? Although I am wise enough to discern that what he is doing is wrong, he is still my father after all, which makes me feel guilty for feeling this hatred towards him all my life. Are toxic parents like this normal in sg?