u/Amazing_Salt_8081

Hi, gusto ko lang maglabas ng sama ng loob kasi sobrang bigat na talaga. Ayaw ng mom ko sa decision ko na tumigil na sa INC, and honestly, medyo nakaka-frustrate kasi, siya mismo hindi na rin active or hindi na rin INC, pero ganun pa rin yung reaction niya sa’kin.

Sinabihan niya ako na “saan ka pupulutin niyan” just because I said ayoko na sumamba. Tapos brining up pa niya na “nung maliit ka pa hindi ka mapakali na hindi sumamba kahit umuulan, ngayon na malaki ka na ayaw mo na.” Parang ginagamit niya yung past ko against me, eh syempre bata pa ako noon, wala pa akong sariling isip or choice. Ngayon na mas naiintindihan ko na yung sarili ko at yung beliefs ko, gusto ko lang naman mag-decide for myself.

Ang hirap lang kasi pakiramdam ko wala akong freedom. Yung mga bagay na ayaw ko, pinipilit pa rin niya. Hindi niya ako pinapakinggan, parang automatic mali agad yung decision ko just because hindi siya agree. Nakaka-suffocate siya, to the point na parang wala akong sariling buhay or control sa sarili kong choices.

I’m currently part of INC(handog) and and also is my 2 older brother pero they're not active anymore diko lang ma gets dati naman were very active eh lagi pa kaming dumadalo ng mga gawain, panata and pagsamba, yung kuya kong isa yung naunang hindi na sumamba, then sumunod yung isa ko pang kuya then me ilang weeks narin akong hindi sumasamba and lately I’ve been feeling really conflicted Hindi ko na alam kung anong mararamdaman ko sometimes I feel guilty kapag hindi ako nakakasamba, pero at the same time parang napipilitan nalang ako.

There are moments na I feel pressured, parang kailangan lagi kang sumusunod, and I don’t feel like I have space to question anything and now I’m starting to question things, and it honestly scares me.

I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m just really confused and overwhelmed. Has anyone else gone through something like this? how did you deal with it