Self esteem at 22 weeks
Im a FTM with a surprise baby. Husband and I planned on being childfree but here we are. At first I felt nothing for the fetus, but after a few months of talking about it my husband revealed that he was excited for this new chapter of our lives and the new challenges (of being a father). I let myself open up to the idea of being a mother. Started referring to the baby as our child and that it will be a loved child. My husband has been supportive, giving me massages or taking me to prenatal massages, being present, learning about childbirth and childcare together. Nothing I wouldn't change. We also stopped having sex the moment we found out about the pregnancy. Initially my husband told me he was under a lot of stress from work and now the unexpected pregnancy, hence hasn't been in the mood. However last night he mentioned that he wasn't sexually attracted to the pregnant body. I'm devastated. I've been wearing this baby bump as a fun accessory, people around me have told me on different occasions that I'm glowing. I've asked my husband to feel my belly for kicks, but he never acknowledged the bump as something beautiful. He would tell me I look beautiful but it's like my belly is a separate entity to him. I cried and I asked him why is the pregnant body not attractive to him (in hindsight I know now you can't help what you don't find attractive). He replied me by saying "It's like having sex in a pile of shit and piss, it doesn't turn me on." That hurt SO much. My body is changing to carry and birth his child and he just compared it to being around shit and piss.
I am so scared of how his attraction to me will change after I give birth. I feel so ugly now. I've just cut my hair short (I've kept it long because he has mentioned before how nice my long hair was). My self esteem has depended so much on how beautiful he thinks I am. I don't know what's going to happen after the birth but I'll be damned if I cling onto his every word about how I look. I can't decide if I'm angry with him or with myself.