Separated from my wife of 8 years. She says it's over. Just need to vent.
My wife (29F) and I (31M) have been together for 8 years and married for a few of those. In October she moved out and shortly after had a third party sexual relationship. Despite everything we committed to discernment counseling, got through it, and agreed to keep working on our marriage. Things were actually really good for a while. We went to Europe, celebrated her birthday, and had genuine moments of real connection.
Then everything collapsed in the span of one weekend. It was honestly in a slow free all for a couple weeks before that. I felt myself slipping into a depression and lack of motivation that I couldn't get out of. There was concert where I felt completely invisible to her. An argument that spiraled out of control that basically continued into the next day. I cornered her by showing up to her apartment without asking. I said things I deeply regret. She blocked me and said she only wanted to talk through our therapist.
I completely destabilized. I won't get into all the details but it got bad enough that I ended up in a psychiatric hold. I'm not proud of it. I got off my meds and was drinking and I paid the price for it. I had been an alcoholic and drug addict for most of my adult life and really wanted things to be different.
I'm out now. Five days sober. Back on my meds. In therapy. Hitting the gym every morning. I see things a lot differently now than I ever had, I just wish I had realized what I know now after we got out of discernment therapy. But I'm still holding no contact I initiated, hoping for the best. Giving her the space she needs right now after I betrayed and let her down once again.
She's told me she's been in relationships since she was 14 and has never had time to herself. That she married too soon. I understand that. I want her to have that chapter. I genuinely do.
I just still love her and I'm not ready to give up on 8 years. Doing the work either way.
Just hurts.