TW: COCSA - Difficulty Remembering
I (29F) can think of 3 COCSA incidents from my childhood.
When I was maybe 4-5, my male cousin of the same age loved to pull my pants down and smell my butt. He would make me do it to him too. I remember the last time when we were caught and we got into big trouble - which is totally understandable. After that it thankfully did not happen again.
When I was maybe 8 or 9, I was at a neighbor's house; she lived with her grandmother for part of the week and was about a year younger than me. I overall found her to be kind of annoying but I did not have anyone else to play with that day I guess. Anyway, we were on her water bed and I remember she wanted to simulate what I guess was sex (?). We took off our underwear and she climbed on top of me and that was sort of it. But I felt really really guilty and ashamed after that because I knew it was wrong but I did not want to get in trouble or anger the girl (my people-pleasing tendencies were really ingrained early on). I remember praying to God telling Him that I did not want to be gay.
Then another incident happened a few years later. The nephew of my stepmom and I were laying on a bed watching TV with our parents in the other room. It was my first time really spending time with this boy. He was 12 and I was 11 or maybe I was 10 and he was 11. He kept reaching out and squeezing my butt. I told him to stop. He did not. I do not fully remember the situation but he might have touched my breast as well once I changed positions. My dad and stepmom were in the other room and I did not feel safe telling them but I was on the verge of tears because I feared my stepmom a lot. My dad came in to check on us and I remember hoping he would see how uncomfortable I was but he did not so it continued. I was very afraid to actually tell my dad about a week later because I felt so much shame.
Do these sound like abuse? I have spoken to my therapist and she said so but I guess I need some more validation.