u/Ambitious_Singer_507

I’m not Superman. I feel like I’m everything to everyone but myself, yet I still find myself neglecting people I love by mistake. I constantly feel pulled in so many different directions while I’m still trying to find myself and grow individually. This morning I had a serious thought of suicide after awhile of not having one. The trigger: A loved one feels disappointed that I’m not coming around or talking to them as much anymore and it’s making them question our relationship. Even yesterday, I had talked to my little brother about something that was bothering him that he finally opened up to his mom about. I wish I could have designated days for everyone. But between work, time for myself, and family drama at home, I don’t feel confident in my ability to maintain work, my family, my friends and myself at the same time right now. What do I do?
The loved ones who’s disappointed is my ex’s mom. We have a great relationship and we’ve always been there for each other. But I have done a lot for all of her family and always been there for them for the past 4 years. Even when we broke up, I still did for them like they’re my own family. And I do view them that way. My ex called this morning and said her mom felt upset that I haven’t been talking to her for awhile or stopping by to check up. I usually make sure that they have water, tissue, paper towels and the trash taken out in the house. I haven’t seen them in almost 2 weeks. Her mom and I have a good relationship outside of just my ex and I. She also feels disappointed that I didn’t let her know about my new job I just started. A huge part of me is torn. I don’t want to break any bonds. And I don’t know if me moving on from my ex is moving on from her family as well. I don’t know what it means. Hell this is my first time living. I don’t know what to do.
For my entire adult life I feel like I have been everything to everyone around me but myself, and now that I have that space (rarely) I feel pulled in so many different directions.

She told me the other day that she just realized it’s been two years since we broke up. I told her I’ve been counting the days to which she replied “stop doing that”. Ironic because there’s a lot of things I feel like I need to stop doing, like thinking about her.

These last 2 years of my life have been transformative in the most painful way imaginable. In 2024, I was on the verge of taking my life a handful of times. Glued to the discomforting silence of my solitude and unwanted thoughts of failure. I sat in the house for two summers in a row and drank/medicated myself into a depressive hole.

I’m happy to say that my life has improved tremendously since then, but yet I still can’t shake the thought that I’m missing out on her. Sometimes, I just get as high as I can still just to numb the feelings that have been buried beneath my new self. I cannot go back to that sunken place. She told me last week that she wants a boyfriend now… ok I reply with idk something like “well I feel that I should be that”. She replies “nah.. I don’t think we’d work out”. At this point, it doesn’t even hurt anymore. I just start to feel embarrassed. Embarrassed at all of the extra effort I’ve put in when we were already broken up. Drowning myself just to keep the boat of her ego flowing.

I know she loves me, but she just doesn’t want me. And I know and understand this, yet I just can’t shake the thought of her face in my head. The memories come here and there, but it’s her face and voice that just don’t leave, no matter what I do. I’d be a fool to fall in love again, but man I said that shit the last time.

Anyways enjoy my ramen with me!