In despair after a haram breakup afraid Allah won't accept my duas for him, I feel so unworthy
No judgment at all, please. We were in a haram relationship for months. In January, we had a big quarrel and, out of pure emotion, I told him to just go to the people he loves. It was a rushed, emotional decision that I immediately regretted.
After that, a cycle started where he kept blocking and unblocking me whenever I begged him to stay. Finally, he told me that we need to stop, focus on our deen, and go back to Allah. He told me to move on.
But sisters/brothers, I am hurt. I am so deeply hurt. He was my safe space and my everything, I completely agree with turning back to AllahI have always tried to practice, though I struggled with consistency but the pain is unbearable. I am so terrified that I have already lost him forever.
Since the very first day I met him, I prayed so much for him. I woke up for Tahajjud consistently, making dua for him by name. It breaks my heart because I don’t think he feels the same way anymore, or maybe he now sees me as someone who isn't close to her Creator.
I am in complete despair. I genuinely want to be united with him only in a halal way (marriage). He knows how deeply I love him. I know he is right about fixing our relationship with Allah, but I am so afraid. Will my duas for him still be accepted after all this? Has anyone ever experienced this type of pain and had a happy ending, or found peace?
Lately, out of desperation, I’ve been spamming his SMS with Islamic reels and messages he just ignoring them, only for me to end up apologizing for texting too much. I am starting to hate myself, feeling unworthy and dirty for acting this way and losing my dignity.
Please, I just need some guidance, comfort, and sisterly/brotherly advice on how to navigate this despair and how to fix my connection with Allah without losing my mind. Am 25.