Youre not going to read this if you dont want to...but i think you should try to.
I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 8 when my first suicidal thoughts were present. Id tried everything. Even extreme methods like ECT and nasal ketamine.
Im 39 now and im proud to say im no longer biologically depressed. It took me years to figure out that I wasnt depressed anymore and to have confidence that I wasnt just one bad day away from being back there.
I tell you this because once I got to that point I had crushing anxiety out of no where and nervous breakdowns.
With therapy I realized that living with an addict single parent that I could never please made me anxious that I had no control and taught me a sort of "learned helplessness".
The nihlism of depression was the only way I could release the anxiety of having no control. If everything's going to suck anyways I might as well ride the chaos and be right about everything (predicting everything's going to suck).
Its all to say that its very comfortable and easy to act as an observer. Quietly noticing the flaws of this world from the sidelines. Feeling like your insight sets you apart from people, perpetuating your isolation.
Its much harder (and imo the most noble thing a person can do in a world where we can never know if karma is rewarded and the scales balance out) to trust that depression is obscuring the underlying problem and to get to the point where you can actually identify the real issues.
1st I found a support system in day programs (or forced inpatient stays) that would come get my ass out of bed or out of the house.. who'd make me take my meds even when it felt hopeless.
2nd I found an excellent psych team.
*** Most Important Insight***
With treatment resistant depression its all about "neuroplasticity". Basically your brain in its quest for efficiency will process things the way it has in the past unless you are able to open new neuro pathways and rewrite them to a healthier state.
For me ECT didnt help and the memory loss was terrible. It wasnt until I found the esketamine treatments that the chane/rewiring started.
Auvelity is a new ish anti depression med that sort of acts in the same way as ketamine.
Esketamine and Auvelity can be difficult to navigate as they are newer treatments and insurance can be difficult to figure out but both are very do-able if you have a good psych team. For example Esketamines maker has a voucher program for the drug etc and Auvelity is just a combo of Buproprion and cough medicine... if your drs down you can get on Buproprion and by Delsum OTC to kind create it on your own if insurance is difficult. Another important note is that Auvelity has been found to have effects much sooner that most anti depressants/SSRI's.
Im not going to say everything's going to get better... im not saying it will be easy. But it might give you a clearer perspective on what strings you need to pull on to start to begin to untie the knot you find yourself in.
Between my fiance and I we've battled insurance companies on all things mental health.
Im happy to provide insight or help direct anyone suffering who thinks they might be a candidate. Even if you dont think you're a candidate and something here resonates.... dont be afraid to comment and ask.
There is hope. Its not a balm, its not going to fix you on its own but it can help you get there.