I don’t think my marriage will survive much longer
I’m probably going to delete this, but I need somewhere to just vent.
My wife and I have been together for over 10 years, married for 4, and have a 17 month old daughter. We own a nice big house and rent out a room to our friend (she’s been living with us for 5 years now) and another room to my parents, as my mother has complex medical issues and my dad needs help with her when he’s at work (they’ve been here almost a year). We also have 2 cats and 2 dogs, but my parents moved in their cat and dog as well. So a total of 6 people and 6 animals in the house.
It’s a lot. The house is large but I still feel so suffocated. My dad is wonderful, but he works full time and is the main caretaker of my mom, so he’s very busy. But he is very good with helping, like mowing the lawn and playing with the animals, babysitting, and any chores that I’m falling behind on.
My wife, mom, and roommate on the other hand? They’re not so great. Before we had so many people living with us, I never minded being the main cleaner/homemaker of the house. I proffered it, honestly, because I like things done a specific way. Wife makes the money, I take care of the house. Fine trade off. But then I had a baby and suddenly 2 more adults and 2 more animals within the same year to take care of and now I am doing so much cleaning that I am becoming a shitty mom to my toddler and I’m so burnt out at the end of every day that I don’t even want my wife to come near me. And it doesn’t even matter, because as soon as I wake up, BAM! I have to start all over. I swear it’s like I wake up and you can’t even tell I cleaned all day the day before. It stinks like animal no matter how much I vacuum, mop, dust, whatever. 5 adults mainly using 2 bathrooms, it gets gross fast. Dishes pile up no matter how many loads I run. Never ending laundry.
My wife was a full time nursing student and worked full time (3 12 hour shifts) so while I was drowning in housework and being a mom and being a caretaker to my mother while my dad works, I tried very hard to respect my wife’s time so she could study and do homework and rest and whatever. But now it’s summer and I’m still drowning and I just can’t stand it anymore.
She does help. If I ask her to do something, most likely she will if it’s a little thing like load the dishwasher. But she procrastinates a lot too and then when I get home from work, it’s like 50/50 chance things got done, and another 50/50 if the task was completely finished.
But it’s so mentally exhausting to even have to ask her to do things at this point. Like, I can see that the floor needs to be vacuumed and mopped and dishes need done and a toilet needs scrubbing and there’s laundry to fold and someone still has to make dinner. Why can’t she see those things? Why do I have to point them out, and give a detailed list? Why is it that I have figured out how to do laundry but if I ask her to do it she has a million questions? Why when I ask her to make a meal, she asks how? I figured out all this shit on my own! It’s not that fucking hard!
It’s not weaponized incompetence. It’s not laziness, either. I know she struggles with executive dysfunction. I do too. But I have a family that relies on me so I have to power the fuck through it. Truly I think she is just so anxiety ridden and she has to double check every little thing she does and it’s exhausting. I’m sorry, but if I say I need a breather and ask you to do a chore that needs done, but then you ask me a million questions about that chore, then I did it. I never got my breather.
I’ve begun fantasizing leaving. I’m so frustrated with life and in my relationship. I love her but I don’t think love is enough anymore. I just want to pack my shit and rent an apartment. Tell my dad I’m sorry but I can’t take care of my mom anymore because she’s too much on top of everything else. Give my wife 50/50 custody of our daughter so I can have some alone time and be a better mom when she is around.
If I could afford it, I might actually do it. But as it stands I don’t make enough to live alone, much less take care of my daughter. We’re so broke right now due to inflation, the amount of people living here, and our jobs royally fucking us over lately. Life right now feels impossible.
I don’t want my marriage to end. I have loved this woman since I was 16 years old. She is the only home I’ve ever known. She has been my anchor. We grew up together, became adults together. Share a child, pets, mortgage, car payments. She’s my fucking coworker. Our lives are so entwined. I am so fucking stuck and sad all the time. We talk, she does listen, but change is hard. She’s trying her best I know she is she isn’t a bad person not one bit of her is bad, and this woman loves me like you wouldn’t believe. But it’s just not enough anymore.
EDIT:
I was going to reply to a comment but figured I’d just add to my post. We made plenty of money together to afford the house, pets, cars, and baby. Then our job (we work in the same place) changed how our income works and it resulted in a $30k/year reduction in our combined income. Yes, I work too. I’m part time, she’s full time. Even with that, we can afford the house and whatnot. But we are currently in the hole due to medical debt and my wife going back to school. My wife going back to school affected her work performance, she was leaving early a lot because of clinical rotations and exams, so it took a toll on our savings. She went back to school immediately following the deduction in our income, so don’t bother commenting we need to find better jobs. Obviously that’s the goal.
My mom cannot help. She has poor eyesight and cognitive function. She’s diabetic and suffered multiple strokes. She has tried to help and it’s just lead to her breaking something or me completely redoing what she’s done. The only thing she’s good at is entertaining my daughter occasionally when needed, but even then she can’t do it long.
I want to get rid of the animals. My wife and I talk about it a lot. We’ve reached out to multiple shelters. The problem we have, is all 3 dogs are over 8 years old. They’d be put down immediately. We’ve had our dogs since they were puppies. Getting rid of them, the thought, is like ripping out our hearts.
My parents pay rent and help with groceries. It’s not much, but it covers utilities. I don’t want to make money off my parents. My dad has a lot of debt he’s trying to pay off from my mom’s medical bills. No, we can’t hire help. No, she doesn’t get government assistance, she’s been turned down twice. I think we will have to raise rent on our roommate. She is our best friend but inflation is crazy and at this point it’s costing us money to have her live here. We were hesitant because she works and is also a nursing student, but things have to change.
My wife knows how I feel. We talk about everything, all the time. A lot of the comments are right. She’s not really the problem. Our environment is. My wife truly is wonderful and I think I’m just taking my frustration out on her because she is my safe person. I’m not actually wanting to leave. I just have this feeling of needing to run away, which some commenters pointed out. Amazing how some of you can really dissect a Reddit post written at 4am.