Fear of coincidences and demons even after major intellectual deconstruction
For context I am in therapy for childhood trauma, using EMDR. I am aware that this is part of the solution.
I could give an extremely detailed account of my painful deconstruction from traditional Roman Catholicism to existential philosophy and psychology, but it's not really the point. I just want to make clear that I have an agnostic worldview and am trying to find contentment in uncertainty.
Before converting to Catholicism, and becoming a
"Trad" I was raised southern Pentecostal with a severely traumatized and abusive mother who was desperate to make sense of the world through angels, demons, and the Holy Spirit. Speaking in tongues, spiritual wartare, etc.
Naturally, I developed a similar hypervigilance toward strange coincidences, which often produced feelings of powerlessness if bad and euphoria if good.
Now, all coincidences (good and bad) produce fresh existential crises, a year into therapy and religious deconstruction.
Recently, after moving into a new home, my wife heard rhythmic tapping noises while putting our son to sleep and texted me asking me to be quiet (it wasn't me). Then, I woke up smelling rotten eggs the next night for a few seconds (my upper bedroom nowhere near gas) And the next day (today) we had to call 911 because all of our fire alarms went off. The firemen could detect no gas or carbon monoxide anywhere. All the detectors are high end, brand new, and hard wired. They were all confused.
Now I am getting closer to a full break down of despair and powerlessness, fearing there are invisible creatures laughing at me and taunting me and there's nothing I can do, especially since I'm not religious anymore. I am even more powerless.