u/Amz-899

Hi, I am 27F. I try to keep calm most of the time and try to avoid conflicts whatsoever. But after holding in so much, it just comes out. I end up yelling back and actually fall for the trigger. Can someone please suggest how do i not get triggered by whatever my mother says? I try a lot to not have outbursts, but at times it’s not at all in my control. She has an issue with anything I do and doesn’t have a limit on what she expects from me. I realised how much ever I succeed in life, she’s still going to compare me with someone better. I am so tired but it’s getting difficult to show her that I don’t get affected by it. I really want some good advice on how I can keep my anger controlled.

I am a 27F. I don’t know where to begin honestly. I just completed MBA at a tier 2 college in India, got placed in a really reputed company. Pay is decent, not a lot but the company is really reputed.
I previously worked in a company which paid little and treated me like shit. So I quit and decided to pursue my masters.
I am sorry for giving such a detailed bg explanation.
I’ll try getting to the point.
I am a very obedient child. I don’t drink/ smoke. I have never dated in my life. I take permission for every single thing I do. I probably caused trouble once in school probably in 5th grade. But apart from that I never disobeyed any teacher or failed in a subject or disrespected anyone. I hate breaking rules to the point it’s annoying. I feel guilty for the smallest of smallest things. I got 93% both in my 10th and 12th grade exams. Did well in my engineering but landed an okayish job. But since it was covid i was just grateful I had a job.

My mother went through a lot when she was a child.
I understand where she is coming from. But she constantly compares me with others. I don’t know if i ever made her proud. I try to work hard but i sometimes find myself in positions where I genuinely don’t want to put in the effort. I try to help my mom whenever i can but she still brings up stories from years ago when I never helped her. I do lose my temper whenever my mom starts talking negatively about anything. She makes up stuff about how i think about her. But i never do. I cannot bring myself to think negatively about anyone unnecessarily. And if it involves my parents i would absolutely never do that.

I am not saying i had bad parents. I should be grateful for many things because I definitely had the privilege of doing many things thanks to them. But I constantly feel i am not good enough. I am constantly rage baited. And it works, i get triggered and start back answering them. Which I feel very shitty about.

So we don’t really live where our extended family lives. So i don’t have a cousin or anyone that i talk to on regular basis. My grand parents passed away long back. And the only people i can speak to which aren’t my parents are my friends.

Whenever I go out to meet my friends, which is hardly weekly or two weeks once, she has to complain about how i keep going out. How i don’t focus on my work. How i keep roaming with my friends who “just are going to be there when you are happy” but not going to help u when you actually need them. I call this bs because my friends were there for me whenever I needed to cry/vent when i didn’t even know I needed them.

My parents are now asking me to get married. Arranged marriage ofc. Because I am an effing obedient child that I didn’t date anyone because my parents told me not to do so :)

Whatever small thing I am proud of, my mom is never, or she never shows it. Because there is always someone better than i am. Because there are children who always take care of their parents and obey everything they say :)

I don’t think I can ever, ever be enough. No matter how good i do. Because there are people who are always better than i am.

I have to get up in the morning and help my mother otherwise what will the parents of the person I am going to marry say about me? I need to learn how to cook/clean because my in laws shouldn’t disown me.

This whole thing just annoys me so much that I can’t believe I am ranting about it here. I am never too good enough for my parents. Or is it in my head? Because they keep saying all we want is for you to be happy.

Am I taking it the wrong way? Or am I being paranoid about the whole situation.
Whenever a fight breaks, all i want to do is isolate myself. Cut myself off from my friends, just do all the chores my parents tell me to do. Cut myself from social media. Just go earn and keep trying to get a better job because obviously I can do better.

Does anyone have any idea what can i do. I feel like being alone when things get intense. But i also feel i can be a better child to my parents. This is just so frustrating.