Considering divorce?
I’ve been lurking here for a while and finally feel ready to post. I genuinely can’t tell anymore if I’m being unreasonable for considering divorce or if I’ve just been gaslighting myself into accepting things I’m unhappy with.
My husband and I met online in 2019, long distance at first, and got married in 2022. We had an instant connection and he treated me better than anyone ever had, which meant a lot after an abusive past relationship. I also knew from the beginning that he struggled with long-term depression and had attempted suicide years ago.
After moving in together in 2023, reality hit hard.
At first I was working full time while he worked part time, yet I still did all the cooking and cleaning until I finally snapped and told him I wasn’t raising a child. Since then he improved and now helps around the house.
Another issue is hygiene. He has ADHD and I basically had to teach/remind him for years to shower regularly, brush teeth, wear clean clothes, use deodorant etc. It honestly killed a lot of my attraction.
The biggest issue: we’re both 30 and still living in shared housing with random men. We always said it was temporary. Last year he finally got a well-paying job and saved around €8k, so I thought we’d finally move out. Instead he kept postponing it. At one point I broke down crying over our loud roommates and he angrily told me to “fuck off.”
Then he lost the job due to layoffs and spent most of our savings on random gifts for me instead of us moving out. I appreciated it at first, but now I feel like it was easier for him than actually taking steps toward a future together.
During unemployment he also told me he wanted to transition and become a trans woman. I support trans people, but I’m a straight woman and said I’d want a divorce. He later completely backtracked and said he only felt that way because he was depressed and unemployed.
On the other hand, he’s also incredibly loving. He’s gentle with me, affectionate, never pressures me sexually, works 2 jobs now, helps around the house, and emotionally we’re extremely close. We talk for hours every day and genuinely love each other.
Since we got together, I’ve also developed chronic health issues including severe UTIs and kidney infections that have landed me in the hospital multiple times. Because of this I often lose jobs or end up unemployed for periods of time, but I still contribute financially through unemployment benefits and have always paid half the bills. He is not financially carrying me alone.
I feel so much resentment building over years of things being swept under the rug. I keep thinking that someone who truly loved me wouldn’t be okay with us still living like this at 30 or drop huge life-changing revelations and then “change their mind” when I want to leave.
Part of why I feel trapped is because of his long history of depression and past suicide attempt. He has said before that I’m the only good thing in his life, and I’m terrified of what could happen if I leave.
Am I unreasonable for seriously considering divorce?