u/Ancient-Strain-36

Hi everyone. I wanted to share something that’s been weighing heavily on me because I honestly don’t know what to think anymore.
Recently, I decided to come back to God. I started reading the Bible again, praying, and going to church. I was genuinely happy because I felt like I was getting closer to Christ.
I’m also struggling with same-sex attraction. Based on my understanding of Scripture, I believe it’s sinful. I feel like Satan is constantly trying to confuse my mind and pull me away from God. The worst part is that I feel like I can’t change. It’s as if I’m chained down. I truly want to do God’s will, but I feel stuck, and it’s causing me a lot of pain.
On top of that, I’m addicted to gay pornography. Whenever I masturbate while watching those videos, I feel satisfied in the moment, but afterward I feel disgusted with myself. What confuses me even more is that I don’t think I would ever actually be with another man in real life. When I imagine it, I feel like I would be disgusted, but when I’m watching pornography it feels completely different. I don’t understand why my mind works this way, and it’s something I’ve been struggling with for a long time. I hate feeling trapped in this cycle, and I don’t know how to break free.
Before returning to Christ, I spent some time attending Umbanda (an Afro-Brazilian religion) in 2023. I left it about two years ago, but there’s something that’s always seemed strange to me. Every year, around July and August, I start having very intense nightmares.
Last night’s dream was one of the worst I’ve ever had.
I was standing in the yard of my house when a humanoid figure with the head of a goat appeared. It was holding what looked like a hoe or a small axe and said to me:
“If you want it, you’ll have to sacrifice a part of your body.”
The strange thing is that it never explained what “it” was. I just remember crying in fear.
Then it cut off my foot. I could see the blood, but somehow I was still able to walk. Even that wasn’t enough. It kept watching me from a distance and repeating that I would have to sacrifice more parts of my body.
I also vaguely remember my mother holding my leg while it happened. After that, I kept trying to run away, but I couldn’t. It felt like the creature always knew where I was.
What worries me the most is that after spending weeks excited to read the Bible, pray, and go to church, I suddenly lost all desire to do those things. It feels like something inside me went cold overnight, and that honestly scares me.
I’m not claiming this dream was a spiritual attack. I know it could simply be my mind processing fear, stress, or my inner struggles. But because of everything that’s been happening in my life, I can’t help but wonder if there’s something more to it.
Do you think this could have any spiritual significance, or is it more likely just psychological? Has anyone here experienced something similar after returning to Christ?

I’m asking this sincerely, and I kindly ask everyone to be respectful.
Right now, I consider myself gay, but I’m trying to live according to my Christian faith. I’ve never had sexual relations with another man, and I’ve chosen to remain celibate. The temptation can be very strong at times, but I made a promise to God that I don’t want to practice what I believe is sinful.
What confuses me the most is that I’ve been attracted to men since I was a child. I also grew up without my father and was raised in a household of women. I don’t know whether that had any influence or not, and I’d genuinely like to hear different perspectives without prejudice.
Today I’m the oldest brother, and I feel a responsibility to be a good example for my younger brother. That weighs heavily on me.
To be honest, there are days when this inner conflict is so overwhelming that I wish I could just wake up without these feelings. If I could ask God for one thing, it would be to take this attraction away, because living with this struggle every day has become incredibly difficult. Sometimes I feel like I’m at my limit, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting. And honestly, I wish God would take me from this world because I can't bear living with this; throughout my entire childhood, pastors prayed over me, and even my mother—who was very religious at the time—prayed to cast out the "gay demon" inside me. I’m 21 years old, and this is driving me out of my mind.