u/Ancient-Wasabi-6952

Hello boys and girls I still don’t know my Wi-Fi password and hope to get back online someday soon! Watch this space 😄

I’m just a stupid old Texan lady with a feeble menopausal mind-brain (like all women) but my grandson told me about this man called Sands who made the news this week after apparently divorcing his dog Senna and then trying to have the dog sent to doggy jail. Did y’all hear about this? (I may not have understood the facts correctly, I'm extremely elderly).

Apparently once people found out about the dog court case, Mr Sands got very upset and spent several MILLION dollars trying to stop people talking about the dog he allegedly married, divorced, imprisoned or otherwise legally feuded with like the poor thing had photos of Elton John passed out in the back of a white convertible wearing somebody else’s glasses (again recollections may vary, I have menopausal brain fog).

Old Sands was threatening people, suing them, carrying on over a DOG like it was hiding a lock of Chris Martin from Coldplay’s hair and whispering affirmations to it in the dark 😍👏🥰

And I laughed because it immediately reminded me of my good friend Barbra Streisand!

Barbra is an unknown and extremely private person (like the Sands) so no one will know this but Barbra spent millions CLONING her dog Samantha, but then completely lost her little lady-mind when people started looking at pictures of the dog’s house online 🫨

But - can you believe it? - by trying to stop people looking at Samantha… she accidentally made MILLIONS more people look at Samantha!! A "look-at-the-dog-samantha" effect they called it!

Can you imagine having enough money to end world hunger but instead spending it trying to stop strangers discussing your dog?!!!!

Meanwhile I’m in my bathroom at 1am tweezing my menopausal lady moustache under the big light like a war prisoner 🥰 YEEHAW!

So my stupid feeble lady brain was wondering - whose a bigger cotton headed ninny muggins ?

My low key completely unknown friend Barbra Streissand trying to stop people googling her dogs house?

Mr Sands allegedly going to war with a dog and somehow losing....or at least I think that's what happened..I spent a lot of time dunking my head in the bath these last few months and still see spots 18 hours a day 🫪

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I am SICK with rage. SICK.

Last November an aggressive Northern Irish man- clearly in charge of the entire internet- shouted (at volume) that any stupid old ladies caught posting their stupid old lady thoughts online would be “let have it.”

Well. A man said it. And as a stupid old menopausal woman, I of course accepted this as legally binding.

So I shut it all down. Internet? Finished. Lady thoughts? Cancelled. I relocated immediately to an underground bunker my grandson kindly dug, because he too understood that old ladies having thoughts was now illegal. A man from Ulster said so and there's no greater global force than Northern Ireland. They don't have internet banking there yet but that doesn't mean they don't control the world wide web.

First order of business: destroy the evidence. I submerged my hard drives (even unplugged some of them first too- I’m not insane).

Then I started dunking my own head in the bath at intervals. What if the angry man had software that could detect lady thinking? Thoughts as stupid as mine would be easily traceable by a man as smart as him. Couldn’t risk it.

Months of this. Silence. Vigilance. Head dunking.

Supplies ran low. I ate my HRT patches. All of them.

Without them, my moustache went completely feral - full frontier energy - so I had to shave it off with a chainsaw my grandson provided for emergencies.

I have been down there SINCE NOVEMBER. Unplugged. Soaking my head and my hard drives in bathwater and boxed wine. Obeying a random terrifying man like he was the Internet United Nations.

Then yesterday my grandson taps out in Morse on the roof of my lady bunker dot dot dot dash dash ---.-...-----....: THE INTERNET IS ALLOWED AGAIN!

I emerge from the bunker looking like Saddam Hussein being pulled out of a hole, except sexier.

ONLY TO FIND OUT THE INTERNET WAS ON THIS WHOLE TIME!!!!!

Months. Gone! Wasted on bath-based counter-surveillance and hormone patch cuisine. Shaving my mustache and my lady garden with a chain saw like an influencer doing an ad for a gifted razor!

Anyway, I’m back online now and I have opinions. Stupid old lady opinions, yes - but opinions nonetheless. And I intend to put them into the internet as soon as my grandson can find my wifi password.

First one: the moon landing was fake.

Second one: I don't think an angry man from northern Ireland is actually in charge of everyone's thoughts and I don't think he has any magic lady-thought hunting software either. 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

Settle this argument: did Barbra Streisand or some fella named Sands make the bigger fool of themselves over a dog?