I (23F) don’t know how else to approach my partner (22M) about issues.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years, we started dating right after graduating high school. Now he is graduated from college and I am still in uni. We came from very different backgrounds, he’s a lot more wealthy than I and has a stable family, while i came from the opposite. He is soft natured and sentimental. I am not very lovey dovey but I do love him alot. We have great chemistry and respect for each other but I wish he tried more to meet me in the middle.
For some context we broke up at our 1 year mark over a trip that involved another girl/(my best friend) other relationship issues that i will mention later. No cheating but he outright said something that made me feel like he was attracted to her and that ruined it for me. We didn’t speak for 7 months until he texted me and we tried to rekindle our relationship bc we rlly did like each other. Around our 3 year mark i began working with his family and we began to spend ALOT of time together. I was staying at his house like 4 days a week and that’s where i think i messed up.
Anyways, after the first breakup is where the conversation began. I always felt like I put in the effort to see him, to do fun things, to talk about issues, and to be close. I addressed these things in the past. Even now, he will deny and deny of any wrongdoing and point to me just being overly anxious or critical (cuz he’s just a young guy and i shouldn’t expect too much of him yet). This started precedent in our relationship that seriously bogs me down. The he said she said and then nothing gets fixed. He’ll say stuff to quell my emotions and goes back to the same behavior.
We are both Adhd and i’m not going to lie sometimes it gets in the way of living. He has the type where he just wants to rot in bed and i wanna just do stuff and go outside. Because i was working with his family and spending a lot of time with him after work, he really stopped putting in effort. He stopped seeing his friends, stopped going to the gym, stopped being around family, and was overly annoyed most of the time. I tried my best to be there for him. He was obviously stressed. During this time our relationship became strained bc of his stressors. We didn’t go on dates or do anything cool. I was just working for 10 hours a day and going to see him and we would rot together. I started getting depressed also so we just spent our time melting into the bed.
I snapped out of it and tried to help him too but he hated it. I felt like i was always annoying him or pissing him off with my questions. I started proposing we go out like all young adults do and he would agree only if i told him like 2 weeks earlier. Nothing was fun or spontaneous, i started to gain weight/ having health issues, sex was boring, and it felt like he was just okay with it. Resentment started building up inside of me because i didn’t want this for us. He was not trying for him or for me and was just denying and denying, nothing was getting fixed.
I got accepted into a large university!! After years of not know what to do with my life at community college i took a leap and made it in. By far my biggest accomplishment, i expected that he would show more enthusiasm for me. Eh it was short lived. I started getting ready for my move. 4 years into our relationship and we were going to be long distance (4 hours drive). I knew it was going to be hard. Before i left i made it clear that i still wanted him. But I needed him to show up for himself. Eat healthier, see his friends, be with family, and go to the gym, wake up at a decent time, get a job.
I thought that saying this would motivate him bc I always look back to our 2 year mark with nostalgia. It was fun for us back then. We were both busy with life and jobs in a good way, excited to see eachother, looked fit, and happy! I hoped that by adding some responsibilities to his life again that it would help him show up for me too. It rlly hasn’t. It’s really heartbreaking. This past year we spent it taking a month long no contact break, arguing, and not showing affection. I advocated for myself that I needed clearer communication on his end bc he doesn’t talk about how he feels and more boundaries. It’s been rlly fucking hard bc he still doesn’t show up for me the way i wanted him to. We spent our 5 year anniversary away from eachother. No i love yous from my end bc i am drained. He said it in a short message. then a long one to compensate.
I read this book recently that opened my eyes to how i could have been contributing to the issue. Maybe i was wrong for pointing out the wrongs. Maybe he just needed praise. So i started to be more loving and sweet. He still won’t exactly be considerate of me and my time, he doesn’t have a job but is always busy studying for an entrance exam. All i ask for is his attention and curiosity about my life too. I can’t always be the one leading the conversation or being the rock. I need him to be mind too. There are times when he is. But he’s largely focused on himself even though he says he always thinks about me.
Today, i worked, I called him and he answered. We started doing the thing where im talking and he’s silent. No feedback until i say “hello? are u listening?” he then gets defensive and says he’s busy with something. In my head im wondering why he even answered the phone.I tried calling him again at night, he is still busy. I tell him finally that it’s okay, we can talk tmr. I put my foot down and i feel rlly sad and angry.
I’m rlly tired of it even though i love him. I am trying really hard. He says he is too but it’s been 5 years. I do see progress but i’m like why now? He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. How else can I talk to him?