u/AndLifeHadJustBegun

I cannot study. I break down if i try. Having to intentionally learn a concept and then intentionally memorize it feels so unnatural to me.

But i constantly find myself deeply researching things that intrigue me in my free time. And i'm able to genuinely learn these things and actually use and memorize them. It's when learning has to have a structure and be a routine that i can't. I feel a deep, sinking feeling of wrongness and can't soak up anything.

It feels like i won't get anywhere in life if i can't ever manage to adhere to routine :I

It's a bit disingenuous to say i have no friends, i have a wonderful girlfriend and a friend i regularly play games with (about every weekend). But other than them, i have.. just about nobody. I spend multiple hours of my day alone and by myself. My girlfriend and my brothers are the only people i interact with daily.

I have always loved being alone. I hate judgement and i hate being perceived. Being alone means i can be ugly, i can be stupid, i can shut my brain off, i can talk to myself, i can think out loud, i don't have to do what others want to do in that moment. Basically, i can do whatever i want. Ever since i was a toddler i've loved being alone to do what i want to personally do. Making friends feels so, so irrationally hard, and deeply horrifying. The thought of reaching out to try and make a friend, getting myself to interact with them daily, blah blah blah are all so horrifying to me. I don't know why - I used to be perfectly able - but since i met my girlfriend, i just haven't been able to. I don't think it was actually meeting her that caused it, just that it was around that time of my life 3 years ago.

It feels like every friend has to be exactly like me. I'm so scared of somebody not understanding what i've gone through - of judging me - or having to explain things to them. I don't know.

My standards are essentially... me. Same interests in games, shows, similar life experiences, etc. I don't know. I feel so weird and self centered for it but i really don't think it's a 'narcissistic' thing, but more of a fear of being judged.

I think I'm just gonna go with the flow and see what happens. Will i make friends? Will i not? Who knows. I just wish i wasn't so scared of everything.

I'm 16. I was unschooled my entire life and forced to do everything myself. My mom and her twin were born prematurely and suffer mental issues so she wasn't fit to take care of me or any of my siblings, and my dad is insanely incompetent and scared of responsibility, and doesn't know how to be a father, just a dad.

I want a job, so i can support myself, but my dad keeps saying he's "working on" getting me my ID and a bicycle but... nothing comes of it. No money saved, no action taken.

We have no car. We don't make much money. And my dad is a truck driver so he is almost never home - and when he is, he's VERY busy. It's been months of this.

What i feel like i need to work towards currently is a GED.

But i just can't. I can't study. I just cannot. My heart rate jumps, i start to shake, and i hyperventilate and become lightheaded whenever i try to or think of it. I quite literally physically cannot. And when i do, i end up involuntarily/instinctively harming myself. Hitting myself specifically. I have struggled with this since i was a young child.

I feel miserable all day every day and consistently think of death near-daily.

What do i do?? I feel completely alone in all of this. how do i stop being miserable?? Sleeping more, eating healthier and going outside more doesn't do anything. I've come to the point that i cannot enjoy anything anymore. Shows, games, movies. It all feels fake and like i'm faking it. Or that i'm wasting my time. I end up just doing nothing all day.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to grow responsibility or motivation. It feels like it's either go with the flow and lose my girlfriend and live with my parents until they die, or kill mysellf. I don't know what to do anymore.