u/Anfis_sochka

I don’t have a life of my own. But when I live with someone, I feel that I can at least partially participate in theirs, like I’m getting involved in it in a way. Every time they come home, it’s like I wake up again and can share their vivacity. It resembles living. In that sense, I feel like a parasite.

When I’m with someone, I can give an impression of having my own life and having meaning to my own existence. When I’m alone, I don’t really have anything. I don’t have wishes, goals, needs, interests. I don’t experience emotions rather than anxiety, shame and deep sadness (sometimes rage). I don’t have a personality. I.. I don’t really have a day — this whole thing feels extra-temporal. It’s like existing eternally in a negative space until someone comes and takes you out of there for a few hours. Maybe that’s why I’m always in a relationship.

I have no money, so I cancelled my therapy sessions and cut down on all other expenses. The nearest psychiatric appointment I could get was on June 18. I can’t afford going to a private clinic. Today I had a dream about admitting myself into a private psych ward back in my home country. I didn’t want to wake up from it. I know I don’t have the money to do that right now, and you never wanna find yourself in a public psychiatric hospital.

I don’t care about my work or studies. I don’t do anything throughout the day. My rage episodes are returning, I’m annoyed over everything. And the best thing is, I can’t even talk to anyone about it, I can’t ask for help.

(TW: suicide)

I’ve been shamed for my suicidal ideations. Shamed and blamed for them, derided by my own family and friends. I had to beg for forgiveness for thinking of such things and acting on my thoughts. So now I won’t tell them, I’m too vulnerable to face their ignorance again.

It seems like all people around me are deliberately making my life a living hell. I’m angry they don’t notice I’m at my worst. I’m angry they don’t know I’m having suicidal thoughts, because I’ve told them so many times before and they still don’t give a fuck. They still don’t think it’s a valid thing that deserves caution on their part. They will act like they cared so much if I actually unalive myself. They will never mention how they treated me.

People are so cruel. I’m so angry at this selfish world and selfish society. I have to battle it all alone and it sucks.