u/Angieala

Ok, now that I have your attention, I need to comment on what i am about to talk to you about, when it comes to myself.

(I am writing and talking as unfiltered as I can make myself for simplicity, lack of confusion, so you can form a thought on what's really happening in my head, in my opinion.)

Hi! Call me L, when referring to me, thank you- I re-realized that I was trans about two weeks ago, I'm 18, turning 19 in August. There is a long story and timeline of all that, but I will try to cover the main points to lead into why my being trans is connected to the reliziaison of my narcissism.

I had always felt wrong hanging out with girls; I felt odd hanging out with boys as a female-presenting person. Wanted to go by Alex at the age of 10 without knowing what trans was, etc. I realized why I didn't like looking at my face and body when I was about 13-14. I saw button-ups on the rack and wanted to try them on, but I hated how they looked on me. (I knew it was my body, but I didn't really know why) I cut my hair short and felt like I was looking at myself. Got really scared because I realized how much harder my life would be as a man AAND trans person. Sobbed for myself and went back into the closet.

I realized how unhappy I am with life and how I'm going nowhere about two weeks ago. Instead of avoiding it, face how much I hate my body, life, who I am, because I'm not living as me, and I never have. It's been a performance the whole time. (or a long time)

I only shower if it's been over 4 to 7 days or going to an event. I don't brush my teeth because I don't smile with them often anyway. My room has always been a mess. I don't care unless someone I think I care about at that time in my life will see it. I have been maladaptive daydreaming since 10. I have just been myself over the past two weeks.

- - -

I don't like people; I like will exaggerate my political views to fit in with people, to send a signal. Mimic them in some ways while trying not to make it pop so much in contrast with who I am, that's it's like two mes they can talk to. I'm not genuinely interested in what people have to say; I am so they can talk about themselves, get the dopamine I would when I talk about myself, use the info to learn about them enough to seem interested and like them as a person, so we talk and give me attention as a person. But other than that, if I could do whatever I wanted without being caught, conscience, or social backlash. I would do whatever I wanted to.

The only reason a good chunk of people I have met think I'm an empathic person is that I developed a mindset early that has saved my ass: => seeing them as a part of myself, remembering when no one cared for the younger me. So when I confront them its like in the back of my head I'm comforting them(myself), but instead of it being my issues, I imagine myself with their issues and talk to them with that empathy.

I just see the whole human race as a bunch of mes, all from different timelines and experiences (but I'm the better one fr, no matter what. We both know that.) But now that I'm trying to "act like myself," a boy, I tried to open myself up to being myself with others. I don't want to talk to people. Today, my friend tried to tell me about how he missed his ex. Normally, normaly to get myself to talk empathedicly i would imagine how I feel about my ex, then listen to his words like he's just another me with a different life experience, and talk to him from his point of view/emotions on the topic of the girl. (whatever)

But my mind checked out, I just didn't care, and didn't say much. Because this has nothing to do with me, I don't care that something I said reminded him of his ex. I just wanted to get out of the rain and be in his house, 10 min waiting for it to pass. Don't even remember what I said.

I want to go straight to my room when I get home because I realize I don't TRULY care. I'm just really a main character who has been covertly acting like a side character my whole life, foning to people to get empathy and attention.

Sorry for the rant, I don't want you to get bored. Let me wrap it up, I could give more examples if I let myself think about it, but what do I want from you, reader (thank you for reading, btw)

How do I talk to people without my fake filter now that it's gone? Is there a movie, book, or post advice for soeopths or covets to help me fit in? The stigma for this is worse than being trans, but idk i just need a way to become highly functioning. I know it's all up to me, and trust me, if I get to live as myself, a man who will help so much!! But how do I take my real traits as armor for myself and my goals, not crutches?

- - - TLDR:

From Yong, I knew something was wrong (gender). I knew something was wrong with me socially, felt like a fake, but also so vulnerable if anyone ever knew I was faking, no knowledge of what or why I felt that way. Came out (trans) 13-14, realizing most people would hate me more than they already do. go back in the closet until I'm now 18 19 in August, realize I am a guy frfr. realized how fake i am and how much i hate people its not just gender I'm faking for people at this point, and never as been.

Now the mask is kind of broken, (low key want to see how bad i can be while still being able to get confert, social love out of people in my life in short)
I need to become high funksioning, ASPD/ covert NARK.

Any advice on literature, books, films, your story, others' stories, or any media you think can help me or helped you become a better functioning person is welcome in the comments below.

(thank you for taking your time to read. <3)