Never knew until I went to the ER
Hi. I don’t really know what to say or how to feel anymore. I’m not gonna lie, I also don’t really know why I am on this subreddit. I don’t know if the shock and sadness is me or if it is something else, but I’ve been sitting in my room alone in the dark crying for days trying to wrap my head around everything that is happening.
I had an emergency visit to the ER a few days ago after I had (as I thought) the most painful period of my life. I’ve had PCOS since I was little so birth control and weird periods have always been a normal for me. When they ran the tests, they found I was 14 weeks pregnant and miscarrying. By the time I knew I was pregnant, my baby was already gone. Never knew and never had the chance to take care of myself to try and have my baby. I have friends and family telling me that it is okay because I am not in any financial or emotional state to raise a baby, especially by myself since the father and I are no longer in the picture. But I’m reading articles about the development and I’m crying because I feel like it was my fault for not stopping to take a test to just see if I was. It was my fault that I had a couple of drinks with friends and vaped and not taking my health more seriously.
I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling the way I should. Like I have no reason to be this heartbroken because I didn’t know. I feel like I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself for not taking a second to be better and be healthier. I feel like my habits and the fact that never stopped to see the small signs means that I was the problem. I’ve been reading and trying to talk to my doctor about it but I just have this hole in me now and idk if I can ever forgive myself. My baby would be learning to suck its thumb rn and moving around like the world belongs to it.. heartbeat running a mile a minute.. the only thing I can say is I’m so sorry that I didn’t know you were here and I’m so sorry I wasn’t a better mother in trying to protect you.. my heart is broken for you and I wish I was better for you to at least have that chance, my sweet angel baby.