r/babyloss

Our first baby was born at 25 weeks and we lost him in the nicu at 8 weeks old early last year. We recently had our rainbow baby girl and I'm struggling with the question "is this your first?" I just can't bring myself to tell strangers about something so painful, so I just awkwardly mutter yes which makes me feel guilty. My son will always be my first, but is it ok if I don't always tell people in a casual setting?

I’m tired of so many things. Missing my daughter, getting back into the routines of life, seeing blissful pregnant women everywhere, interacting with people that smile at me as if I’m not still living in hell, even explaining to my own husband what’s wrong all the time. I’m tired of all of this and more. I’m just tired. How are you all doing this

Lately I find myself having memories from my pregnancy and they are so bittersweet and catch me off guard. My mind wanders so the simple happy moments when I would be at my weekly scans and he would roll away from the US tech❤️‍🩹 I would always feel it coming and we would laugh because he did this from the very beginning and was always such a active little boy. But during those happy memories I’m hit with deep sadness and my heart breaks all over again. My son has been gone 3 months this week. I’m still struggling with this reality that I removed my tubes and now I know I will never get a chance to have another baby💔. How do we accept this? Why do I feel like I’m never going to accept a choice I made with so much confidence that my son wasn’t going to die.

Hi. This is the first time I’ve posted in this thread. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant with my third baby. They were diagnosed a couple of weeks ago with acrania. This is a fatal condition. We are absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I have decided to carry the baby for as long as I’m able to. But the day to day wondering and being fearful of the future is eating me alive. I try not to worry about the what ifs But somedays is washes over me so intensely. I am just really sad that this is happening and I’m just looking for solidarity and comfort in knowing that it will be okay, even though it definitely wont be okay.

I lost my first born, a girl, after 25 days in the NICU (she was born at 29 weeks and contracted NEC).

1.5 years later I gave birth to a healthy baby boy (who is currently 19 months) and I am truly obsessed with him and beyond grateful.

I am currently pregnant again with my 3rd and it's another boy. I am so so grateful he's healthy and even though I know how incredible boys can be, I'm really struggling with gender disappointment. But it's more than "oh I wanted a girl and now I probably won't have a living girl." It's deep anger that I lost my girl and that I always wanted a daughter and I'm 40 years old and not sure I'll want to or be able to have a 4th child.

Again, I am so excited for this little boy to join us but I get so angry/jealous when I see friends and families having a boy and a girl...which is why this simultaneous anger and disappointment makes me feel so ashamed. Would love to hear if others experienced it and how they got over it.

January I gave birth to a sleeping baby boy at 36 weeks. He was perfect but came too early. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I am desperate for another baby. We managed to conceive in May but that tragically ended with an ectopic pregnancy...and I lost my right tube with it. All this under 6 months. Our next step is IVF but even that is a massive hurdle.

I'm sinking lower and lower into depression. I've lost my social life and old me is gone. Nobody I know understands what I'm going through and how hard it is to keep going and not knowing what the future holds.

I am just so sad I don't have a living child and Ive lost all hope after my second loss. I just want to be a mummy. I really scared it will never happen as I'm already 36 years old.

Please can somebody give me some hope. I really need some positive stories. I'm honestly just really heart broken.

I found out that I have cervical insufficiency and while I didn't manage to get a cerclage in time (despite a million symptoms that my OB ignored), I just dont know if I can mentally handle the possibility of another loss + the medical realities of a cerclage. I have had 3 first tri losses, and then a 4th late in my second trimester (4.5 months ago).

I didn't get my CI diagnosis until my 2nd trimester loss. I also almost died after that loss and have PTSD from it.

I just dont know if I can do it all again. Getting a cerclage sounds like so much, and I feel pathetic saying that as I know so many women go through it without any problems--but I just dont believe I would cope with it or the bedrest/no sex/no orgasms very well. The reality that I would never be able to have children without kind of intense medical intervention is so disheartening to me. I keep thinking about without modern medicine, I would never be able to have children.

The whole thing is making me never want to try again on a deep level. I can't find anywhere in my heart at the moment to even want a baby, which is something I've really really wanted for at least 10 years. I am almost 35 so I have some time to sort through this, but not a lot.

This loss with PPD, and PTSD has made me question my entire ability to be a mother also. I feel like I might not ever be mentally healthy enough to have a child at this point, and maybe I was deluding myself to think otherwise as I have an extensive history of trauma and a serious lack of familial support.

My husband isn't sure if he wants a baby anymore either, and so that adds another layer.

TW:LC

Sorry I just have no one else to say these things to who understands how I feel.

9 weeks since the 30 week loss of our beautiful boy. We have a LC who is 2.5 and I thank my lucky stars for him every day. A reason to get up on a morning. But sometimes he just doesn’t feel enough of a reason to continue (I know this sounds horrendous and I hate myself for these thoughts). Does my poor baby feel alone wherever he is and wants his mammy with him? Does he look at us as a family and think why am I not there with them? Does he think we’re selfish for conceiving him for him to leave us and never live a day in his life? Did he understand he was dying (first time I’ve ever used the D word to talk about him).

I know none of you have the answers, I’m just thinking out loud and need somewhere to put these horrific thoughts! I just feel guilt constantly about everything. I know guilt is a huge part of grief but it feels all consuming sometimes!

Can’t help but think I brought my baby into this world to suffer. My baby boy passed a couple hours after being born at 24 weeks. My water ruptured at 17 weeks. Thinking about how my baby passed from a collapsed lung has me feeling so devastated. I feel like I failed him. I hate myself dearly, and now reading into what my baby went through in his last hours doesn’t help me feel any better. It’s been almost 2 weeks since he passed, and yesterday was his funeral. I feel like all this happened because of me. I can’t help but feel this suffocating feeling, when I think of his last weeks in my womb and what he might’ve felt in his last hours in the nicu. I know I’ll never get an answer, but I would hope that god can give me some kind of peace not that I deserve it.

Ever since my infant son Logan passed in February, I have been really anxious about my parents or my older son’s health. I just left my mom’s 60th birthday and absolutely lost it because I convinced myself it was her last birthday. I keep thinking I have the same feeling I did with Logan when he was alive- like something bad is coming. I am seeing a therapist and started taking medication. I just can’t take anymore loss.

9 weeks post loss, today is a bad day. The grief feels overwhelming. The realisation he isn’t coming back, I have to go on in life without him, whilst the happiness in the world seems to have just gone. These days are just so hard.

I just had my fifth loss less than a week ago and I don't know what am I suppose to feel. I had a silent miscarriage and needed a d and c. I had two miscarriages, a stillbirth and a micro preemie that didn't make it. I had two uterine infections and didn't want a third. I thought I was over having these losses and it won't happen again. I guess I feel numb or blocking it out. Or I used the same coping mechanisms so often that it feels like an old hat. I'm re-reading my books on pregnancy loss again and finding comfort in that. I was grieving the day I found out about my loss and the day after I was floating into the operation. Am I just giving myself too short of a time line to grieve? Or did I just move on quickly? Or it just didn't hit me yet?

I’m not okay.
Truthfully, I’m not.
I tried to seek professional help from one of the therapist the hospital recommended to me, but that was a flop. I tried reaching out to other therapist. Nobody got back in touch with me and the only one who did scheduled an appointment with me never called me so we could actually speak or have the appointment but she charged me despite her not calling me and the truth is I’m just tired. I miss my baby every day. I’m not someone who was built for this amount of grief I wasn’t built for it. Every connection I’m making in life is special to me no matter who they are. I love my husband, but he takes everything out on me. My life is falling apart. I finally found a new job, but it’s not enough. I thought it would be something to look forward to, but it’s just not. I miss my son. I want to be with my baby. He should be here with me and now I’m just tired every day I wake up angry. I get angry just because I woke up, I’m tired of living, especially without my son he was my light, I was ready to be a mom. I wanted him for so long it’s crazy how long I waited for him to join me on this earth just for him to be taken away by things out of my control. I know this probably isn’t the place to post this but I’m just I’m at my end. I’m at my limit. Life keeps throwing me wrench after wrench. I’m literally watching everything crumble around me. It’s only been three months after I lost my son and it’s been everything in my life.
I don’t think anyone could ever have this much bad luck in their life within a three month time period. I truly don’t.
Anyways; I’m done ranting and crying. And venting.
Thank you to those who will take the time to respond or give me some type of hope. life has just worn me down, and I need to get it off my chest how worn down I feel. Since therapy isn’t in the cards for me.
Thank you.
😊

Hi. I don’t really know what to say or how to feel anymore. I’m not gonna lie, I also don’t really know why I am on this subreddit. I don’t know if the shock and sadness is me or if it is something else, but I’ve been sitting in my room alone in the dark crying for days trying to wrap my head around everything that is happening.

I had an emergency visit to the ER a few days ago after I had (as I thought) the most painful period of my life. I’ve had PCOS since I was little so birth control and weird periods have always been a normal for me. When they ran the tests, they found I was 14 weeks pregnant and miscarrying. By the time I knew I was pregnant, my baby was already gone. Never knew and never had the chance to take care of myself to try and have my baby. I have friends and family telling me that it is okay because I am not in any financial or emotional state to raise a baby, especially by myself since the father and I are no longer in the picture. But I’m reading articles about the development and I’m crying because I feel like it was my fault for not stopping to take a test to just see if I was. It was my fault that I had a couple of drinks with friends and vaped and not taking my health more seriously.

I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling the way I should. Like I have no reason to be this heartbroken because I didn’t know. I feel like I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself for not taking a second to be better and be healthier. I feel like my habits and the fact that never stopped to see the small signs means that I was the problem. I’ve been reading and trying to talk to my doctor about it but I just have this hole in me now and idk if I can ever forgive myself. My baby would be learning to suck its thumb rn and moving around like the world belongs to it.. heartbeat running a mile a minute.. the only thing I can say is I’m so sorry that I didn’t know you were here and I’m so sorry I wasn’t a better mother in trying to protect you.. my heart is broken for you and I wish I was better for you to at least have that chance, my sweet angel baby.

For anyone who’s comfortable answering….was there a point when your grief felt less constant or overwhelming? I’m trying to understand how grief can shift over months and years. I’m 2 weeks out and it does feel like it will be this way forever.

I miss my daughter so much. I’m almost six month out from losing her due to IC in the second trimester. I want her back so bad it physically hurts. This subreddit, the grief counseling - it all made me think it would be easier to breathe by now, but really it’s still just barely tolerable. It’s hard to truly find joy in anything and in the few moments that there is joy, I’m overcome by guilt and remorse and anger. We had to go through IVF to get pregnant this time and losing her after that feels particularly cruel. Three of our friends were expecting within weeks of us -which was surprising because we’re older - and we were excited for our kid to have companions amongst our friend group. They all had girls too…and I can’t imagine ever seeing any of them again.

Three years ago, over this holiday weekend, I was laying in bed sobbing as I listened to the fireworks as I bled while I lost our first child.

I’m so tired. I just want my children. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know how to go on.

I recently lost my full-term baby after what seemed to be a completely normal pregnancy.
My baby had severe breathing problems immediately after birth, couldn’t even cry, severely anemic, received therapeutic hypothermia and blood transfusions, but sadly passed away.
The doctors are still trying to determine the cause.
Has anyone here experienced something similar? If so, would you be willing to share your story or diagnosis?
Thank you.

I guess I just need a reality check that I'm not losing my mind. This year has been incredibly difficult on top of my pregnancy loss and we live abroad from my family. I almost died after birth, and I found out I have cervical insufficiency.

I am 1 month from my due date. I got a puppy about 2 months ago and she's been so incredibly healing. She is literally perfect, and shes the most cuddly small dog ever.

Tonight I was watching some TV, and she came and laid on my chest to sleep. As she laid there I had this overwhelming feeling and thought that this was my baby coming back to be with me because I'll never be pregnant again. I have been very unsure if I want to go through a pregnancy again after HG + post birth complications + now I know I will have to have a cerclage stitch (I know cervical insufficiency it isn't a big deal for all women, but for me the mental load of it feels like too much). I haven't wanted to be pregnant or have a baby since about 1 month after my loss and it's been something I've wanted so badly for about 10 years, so my whole life plan and dreams feel lost.

Anyways, I just..need a reality check. I am not sure if I am going crazy, or if I am just still grieving, but for a second there it really felt like it was my daughter with me again.

My puppy's paperwork says that she was born 10 days after my daughter (which I had no idea about), but when they handed us her paperwork, they had mistakenly written my daughters birth date, crossed it out, and re-wrote the date for 10 days later, and I know it's probably a coincidence, but part of me says what if its not? I felt so close to my daughter the days after we lost her and I haven't felt like I could "feel" her with me in months. It's been so sad, and now to have this moment where it felt like I was..it hurts so much.

My due date is approaching next week, a day I’ve been dreading. I’ve been offered to take my LC out with my MIL, am I best to do this and stay busy? Or will I feel too upset and need to stay home? Any advice is really appreciated on what worked best for all you mamas

I’m currently pregnant and haven’t told many people due to a coworker who has had a few losses this year.

we aren’t very close, but our offices are next door to each other and we got engaged and married around the same time. I knew she was going to start trying right away. while I was going to wait a while to start.

I’ve been wanting to announce soon as I’m in my second trimester and have coworkers on social media. but I wanted her to know from me first instead of finding out through other people where she wouldn’t be able to process or if she was around other people

I finally told her yesterday end of day and on a long weekend. I was so nervous, my voice was shaking and said it really fast. she said congratulations and she was happy for me but I could tell she was devastated.

I feel awful and awkward and mean. I know she was crying after. I’m so nervous to see her again. any advice welcome