u/WaterFiles

Hey you guys <3

Has anyone had luck with finding friends IRL with similar loss stories? I live in MN and I have been hunting for some kind of IRL group to join, but I have been getting discouraged. I found two events to try but they both were let downs.

The first was a "parents of stillborn babies" group about an hour away from me. I was told when the meeting would be and I made the drive, but then no one showed up. I texted the leader of the group to see if I was in the right place and she texted me back that I was, but less people go in the summer. She told me that I should try to come back next month, but she didn't know I was from far away.

The next place was this "bereaved parents" event at a breast milk donation place that I had donated to. When I showed up, I felt dumb for not realizing that there would be children there. Usually I am fine around children, but at that place specifically I kept feeling reminded that I was the only one there without a living child and I couldn't handle it. I left without making any connections.

IDK I just want to be able to connect so badly, but I can't seem to find anyone else that does. Is this a crazy, impossible ask? Maybe most moms who have gone through stillbirth don't want to talk about it? Maybe they don't want to leave the house? I wish I could find someone else like me that I could see with my eyes and talk to.

A little back story: the doctor that delivered my son was incredible. He was just the random doctor that happened to be on call when I found out that there was no heartbeat. I had my c-section the same day. It was such a mercy to have a doctor that was so sensitive to my situation and great at clearly explaining everything. I would love to go back to him, but at my 6 week pp appointment he told me that he was moving and switching to a hospital that is almost an hour away. I was crushed. I can't make that work.

The OB that did all of my clinic appointments is still there, but... idk.. I can't go to her. She was fine, but I just can't face her.

How do I find a new OB? I have an appointment with a nurse practitioner at a new clinic near me to try to feel out the place. What do I ask to find the right doctor? Is there a way to feel out if a doctor will be sensitive to stillbirth before seeing them?

My first time around, I went to a few different OBs before I picked one, but I wouldn't want to have to do that again.

My parents and sister live about 2 hours away. Usually on mother's day and father's day I go home and spend the day with my parents, sister, and her kids. We bring our dogs. It is always fun chaos.

But not this year. This year I stayed home with my husband and we watched movies all day. Mother's day wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't feel much more pain than normal. I guess I was distracted, which was for the best.

Around mid-day my mom called me. We usually talk on Sundays. I felt so guilty for not calling her. I love her so much. When she called, I wanted to tell her to have a happy mother's day, but the words wouldn't come out. I kept feeling like I was about to cry when I thought of mentioning it. She told me about how my sister visited and how her kids were having fun splashing in the hot tub. There was some silence. I didn't bring up mother's day and neither did she. I'm glad she didn't. I would have started bawling.

I wish I lived closer to my family. I wish I could go visit for an hour whenever I wanted. There have been times when I have just wanted a hug from my mom, but I can't drive for 2 hours crying and blocking my vision all the way to get there.

I don't know. I am just sad today and every day and I am missing my mom. I still feel guilty about not wishing her a happy mother's day and not thanking her for being such a wonderful mother to me. I want my mom!

I'm new(ish) to reddit. Sometimes when I am reading a random post, the comments of the post will be like "this is a bot" or "nice try, bot." Something like that. I don't get it. Why would there be an automated post anywhere? Do people get paid for posting and so they want to post a lot? Like an AI generated post maybe for views?

But that doesn't really make sense because I've noticed that one of the "clues" that it's a bot is that it is a new account, so they can't be getting paid to a new account, right? What's going on here? And why???

Look, I've always been fat, alright? I wasn't ever worried about that. I've always thought my body was sexy at my plus-sized weight. I loved my shape.

However, this new body has taken some getting used to. Even when I was pregnant, I wasn't liking it. My breasts got all droopy and I widened out at the hips in a way I wasn't used to. I didn't like it and I still don't. I don't know if losing weight would even help. It feels like my overall shape has changed.

When I was pregnant, I kept telling myself that it would be fun to be this cute, older, pudgy mom wearing bright colors and smiling a lot like a cartoon character. I even bought some heart-shaped glasses that I thought were so fun. I stopped caring about being sexy and was leaning into this idea of being "kooky" and bright instead. I consoled myself by telling myself that a woman could have the body I have and still be fun and important as a mom.

Now that there's no baby, I have no solace in my new body. I am so embarrassed to look this way. I know that I'm "still a mom" and whatever, but now my body feels like such a burden, just frumpy and old and... different for no reason. I guess my sense of identity has changed. I don't know how to get my confidence back.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I've been dreading it for weeks. I'll be 32. I know it's not that old. I know that. Everyone keeps telling me how young I am.

Still... I'm not looking forward to my birthday. After my baby's stillbirth this year, it feels like I missed my window. Like, yes, maybe i could still have kids (big maybe), but i would be older than I imagined. I'm getting older every year. I already felt old having a baby this year at 31.

I thought my birthday would be so different this year. I didn't make any plans because I thought I would have an eight or nine week old baby. My idea of the perfect birthday this year would have been breakfast in bed and then primping myself for a cute picture in the backyard with my baby. I dream of sitting outside in the shade with a cooing baby all day, maybe doing some crochet.

Everyone keeps asking me out, wanting to go to lunch or dinner or whatever... but I just can't. I know it will be a big day full of tears instead.

And then I go back to work on Tuesday. I would have been off work until August, but there is no baby to bond with. IDK. Pray for me ♥️

I went to the grocery store to get a few things. I checked out at the self check out, like always. I paid and the machine said "approved, remove your card." I removed my card, but the screen didn't change, didn't give me a receipt. The worker came over and fiddled with the machine. Ultimately she reset the machine by turning it off and then back on. My transaction was gone. She had to take my card to her computer to verify my purchace. I sat there for 20 minutes waiting for her to figure it out. At the end of it, she told me that I would have to re-scan my items and pay if I wanted to take the items. They had no record of my payment even though I had a charge at my bank. I complied, paid again, and ultimately the first charge did drop off.

While I was sitting waiting for her on her computer, I had started to tear up and by the time she came back I was full-on crying. Not sobbing or wailing, but noticeably crying with tears falling. She rang me up and scooted me out of there as quickly as she could.

The whole situation was something that wouldn't have bothered me at all in the past. Maybe I would have been slightly annoyed, but certainly not teary eyed over it. It has been almost 2 months since I lost my son and I know that my emotions are from that... but I don't know how. I wasn't thinking about him. Why did that little inconvenience make me cry? It is like I am always on the brink of tears at any moment and any tiny, unexpected thing can send me over. Yikes!

It has been over a month since my c-section. I was fine all last week... still gutted, but able to complete tasks and see people, able to laugh and talk about other things.

Today was different. I woke up, took a shower, and got right back in bed. For hours in bed I thought about doing the dishes, but i just couldn't make myself get up. I walked around the house a little at lunch time. After that I sat on the couch and I've been here all day.

My mind is full of things I need to do, but i can't move. I feel trapped in my body. My mind has the energy but my body doesn't. I feel like I'm shaking on the inside, vibrating with potential, but i just can't pick myself up.

I don't know how to fix this. I can't fix this.

I am starting out with granny squares and some of my connections are bigger than others, especially on a double crochet connection.

My friends all have children, like, pre-school and elementary school aged children. Today my friend and I went to a garage sale with her 5 year old son and his 4 year old cousin (little girl). We were the only ones there at the sale. When the older gentleman was pricing our items to check out, the little girl (who I know well) tugged on my shirt and said loudly "I heard that your baby died while he was in your tummy. I hope he is in heaven."

Before she even started talking I was down at eye level with her nodding along. I guess I instinctively knew by the look on her face that she was going to bring up my baby who I lost last month at 39 weeks. I think I said something back like "thank you so much sweetie. I am always going to miss him."

The little boy said something about me maybe having another baby and how he wants it to be a girl this time. I gave a little chuckle and that was the end of that. Before I had a chance to reply, the little girl had started showing me the calculator that she got at the garage sale and was asking me how to work it.

I didn't have to look up. I knew that the garage sale gentleman was floored. I could feel his discomfort even while still kneeling and looking at the kids. My friend finished paying and we were gone quickly after that.

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I know that it's natural for kids to want to talk about things that are taboo or even just rare. I just don't know how to react to it. Any thoughts? I don't have any living children of my own to explain things to, but lots of children in my life that I interact with often.

We live in Minnesota and the Spam museum is only a couple of hours away from us. When I was pregnant, I thought it might be fun to drive there with the baby this summer. I saw online that the museum has this photo-op with Spam cans single-stacked like a measuring stick. You can stand next to the stack and count how many Spam cans tall you are.

I thought it would be so cute if my husband sat on the floor and held up the baby for a picture next to the cans so we could measure how tall baby boy was. We like Spam in this house, but neither of us has been to the museum.

I don't know... it was a silly idea.

When people ask me if we have any trips planned over the summer, I think about that silly idea of going to the Spam museum.

No. No we don't have any plans.