u/WaterFiles

I went to the grocery store to get a few things. I checked out at the self check out, like always. I paid and the machine said "approved, remove your card." I removed my card, but the screen didn't change, didn't give me a receipt. The worker came over and fiddled with the machine. Ultimately she reset the machine by turning it off and then back on. My transaction was gone. She had to take my card to her computer to verify my purchace. I sat there for 20 minutes waiting for her to figure it out. At the end of it, she told me that I would have to re-scan my items and pay if I wanted to take the items. They had no record of my payment even though I had a charge at my bank. I complied, paid again, and ultimately the first charge did drop off.

While I was sitting waiting for her on her computer, I had started to tear up and by the time she came back I was full-on crying. Not sobbing or wailing, but noticeably crying with tears falling. She rang me up and scooted me out of there as quickly as she could.

The whole situation was something that wouldn't have bothered me at all in the past. Maybe I would have been slightly annoyed, but certainly not teary eyed over it. It has been almost 2 months since I lost my son and I know that my emotions are from that... but I don't know how. I wasn't thinking about him. Why did that little inconvenience make me cry? It is like I am always on the brink of tears at any moment and any tiny, unexpected thing can send me over. Yikes!

It has been over a month since my c-section. I was fine all last week... still gutted, but able to complete tasks and see people, able to laugh and talk about other things.

Today was different. I woke up, took a shower, and got right back in bed. For hours in bed I thought about doing the dishes, but i just couldn't make myself get up. I walked around the house a little at lunch time. After that I sat on the couch and I've been here all day.

My mind is full of things I need to do, but i can't move. I feel trapped in my body. My mind has the energy but my body doesn't. I feel like I'm shaking on the inside, vibrating with potential, but i just can't pick myself up.

I don't know how to fix this. I can't fix this.

I am starting out with granny squares and some of my connections are bigger than others, especially on a double crochet connection.

My friends all have children, like, pre-school and elementary school aged children. Today my friend and I went to a garage sale with her 5 year old son and his 4 year old cousin (little girl). We were the only ones there at the sale. When the older gentleman was pricing our items to check out, the little girl (who I know well) tugged on my shirt and said loudly "I heard that your baby died while he was in your tummy. I hope he is in heaven."

Before she even started talking I was down at eye level with her nodding along. I guess I instinctively knew by the look on her face that she was going to bring up my baby who I lost last month at 39 weeks. I think I said something back like "thank you so much sweetie. I am always going to miss him."

The little boy said something about me maybe having another baby and how he wants it to be a girl this time. I gave a little chuckle and that was the end of that. Before I had a chance to reply, the little girl had started showing me the calculator that she got at the garage sale and was asking me how to work it.

I didn't have to look up. I knew that the garage sale gentleman was floored. I could feel his discomfort even while still kneeling and looking at the kids. My friend finished paying and we were gone quickly after that.

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I know that it's natural for kids to want to talk about things that are taboo or even just rare. I just don't know how to react to it. Any thoughts? I don't have any living children of my own to explain things to, but lots of children in my life that I interact with often.

We live in Minnesota and the Spam museum is only a couple of hours away from us. When I was pregnant, I thought it might be fun to drive there with the baby this summer. I saw online that the museum has this photo-op with Spam cans single-stacked like a measuring stick. You can stand next to the stack and count how many Spam cans tall you are.

I thought it would be so cute if my husband sat on the floor and held up the baby for a picture next to the cans so we could measure how tall baby boy was. We like Spam in this house, but neither of us has been to the museum.

I don't know... it was a silly idea.

When people ask me if we have any trips planned over the summer, I think about that silly idea of going to the Spam museum.

No. No we don't have any plans.