I still have my baby bump app
Saw a pregnancy announcement on my feed today. My husband’s friend posted his wife is 6 weeks pregnant and due in December.
Man… my stomach DROPPED. Like instantly.
And before anyone starts … no, I’m not a bitter hater 😭 I’m usually genuinely happy for people when they announce pregnancies. But my brain immediately went:”Wait. We were thinking we would have a baby for this year’s Christmas.”
That realization hit me like a brick all over again…
I lost my first pregnancy, so with my second, I was traumatized BAD. Every ultrasound felt like a reality show elimination round 😭 like “Okay… are we making it to next week or not?” I wouldn’t even look at the screen. I’d just lay there squeezing my husband’s hand waiting for the doctor to basically hand out the final rose to announce if we were safe for another round.
One appointment, the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat right away and his face changed for like 2 seconds. Y’ALL. I almost ascended. Then he found it and I wanted to cry & fight everyone in the room at the same time.
So this last pregnancy was the FIRST time I told myself…
“Okay. Calm down. Enjoy it. You deserve to be excited too.”
I downloaded The Bump app. I was reading my fruit size updates every week & telling my hubby the milestones
“MY BABY IS A BLUEBERRY TODAY.”
I started imagining holidays, little outfits, all of it. I finally stopped surviving pregnancy and actually started enjoying it.
Then boom. Lost my baby.
And the sick part? I still have the app notifications on my phone. Why? Girl I DON’T KNOW. I can barely open them but I also can’t turn them off. Is it a toxic trait?! I don’t know if it’s good or not.
Pregnancy after loss really changes your brain though. People don’t talk about that enough. happiness feels scary. Some days I’m okay. Other days Instagram hands me an emotional uppercut at 1:20 PM while I’m just trying to scroll in peace 😭