How to believe you are equally deserving of empathy
I’m 27F if it matters. I’ve realized that since my introduction to gambling, about 2 years ago, It’s gradually slipped into uncontrollable behavior. That’s been really difficult to admit to myself, I’ve never struggled with impulse control with any other vice. Alcohol, drugs, sex… I’ve had no shortage of opportunity to form an unhealthy relationship with any of them. I just… never struggled.
I’ve always had empathy for addicts of all kinds. The opioid epidemic capital is my hometown. Heartbreaking scenes on every side walk here. The community truly hates them, they protest every recovery clinic that’s built. From my own parents I’ve only heard cruel judgements toward them. I didn’t understand living in addiction anymore than my parents, but I knew there was no logic in a healthy mind speed running its own destruction.
And now I get it on a different level. My only saving grace is the small credit union I bank through, declining about 80% of the transactions I’ve tried to make. That wasn’t very bothersome initially, but I can see now had that not been the case I would have zero dollars to my name. I’ve been watching every recovering gambling addict interview I can find. One man referenced something called “the invisible line”, a moment only you can identify, when “I want to bet” becomes “I have to bet”. He described how suddenly, he felt comfortable doing things he’d never dare in his healthy mind- just to make that next bet. The line is relative, but It took no effort to identify my own line. It made me sick.
While logically I understand addiction is a disease just as deserving of care and grace as a physical one- I’m struggling to apply the logic to myself. I feel this is my fault. Not immediately feeling repulsed by the stupidity of risking money you work hard for. The “I’m smarter than this” idea- which implies indirectly that other admits are stupid. Something else I do not believe whatsoever. How did you understand yourself objectively without shame? I’m starting GA to prevent this getting worse. In the meantime, I always like personal reflection and lived experience. Love and healing to all. 5/19/26 was my final bet. It will not heal whatever lies broken in me.