u/AngryCat520

I'm honestly at my wits end... I've relapsed a million times over the last 10 years and I just can't seem to stop. I keep trying to be a winning poker player for side income and I'm failing over and over because of tilt. I lost my life savings of $5000 in a single night like a sick crackhead... I was just playing some small $50 tables of online poker, but I kept getting unlucky and lost like 15+ in a row. This drove me mad. I went to the $100 table, lost, then $200, $400, $1000 and then $2000. All of a sudden I’m at the highest stakes possible. What the fuck is going on? I lost all of them!! My anger spiraled out of control and I kept depositing until my bank hit 0. I kept depositing more in hopes of a recovery. It's like a sick joke. I can't stop until everythings gone because every last dollar might just be the big win to my fucked up brain...

I always double down when I lose becaus the pain is unbearable when you lose big. I need to win it back to stop the pain. I CANT STOP THE PAIN IF I STOP PLAYING... I feel like an idiot... I really hate myself and want to end it all. I am so sorry to my partner who I've betrayed by losing everything without you knowing once again... I am so sorry... I don't know what to do... I'm so depressed and empty that I don't smile at work or care about anything anymore...

I am turning 30 this week on friday and my birthday is completely ruined... I can't do this anymore... I've lost the will to live. I am a pathetic failure who can't even control oneself. My relapses are always caused by anger from losing in poker. I don't fucking want to play poker or gamble anymore. I am honestly so sick and tired of losing my sanity and then ending up broke over and OVER AGAIN. FUCK. Fuck this shit. Enough is enough. Even if I can win a couple hundred playing good it doesn't mean shit when I can lose my temper then dump back thousands! This makes no fucking sense. Fuck gambling. I'm fucking done. I'm 30 now and I need to fucking grow up for fucks sake.