u/AngryPandaBlog

Every Friday into Saturday I fill my bathtub with Polar premium sardines in olive oil, and I bathe my 800-pound perfect physique in the divine juices 🥵

Since I usually eat 8-12 cans of sardines for my afternoon brunch while bathing, I wanted to try something differen. I cracked open this can of Hagoromo, and the first bite immediately caused my flaps of fat to shiver with pure nostalgia.

In 1984, I was stationed on a classified military base located on an isolated island within the Indian Ocean. My unit was tasked with guarding rich ocean sardine farms that were being attacked by canned fish terrorists.

One night on patrol, my unit was captured and brought back to the terrorists’ torture chambers, where most of us were executed, excluding Sarge, an 18-year old private from Ohio with a sweetheart, and myself.

We were thrown into an 80-foot pit with a single can of Hagoromo squid preserved in sweet soy sauce, and told that this would be our only food source, and that we could not share the can.

Suddenly and without hesitation, Sarge leaped onto the 18-year old private and shoved an empty can of Minerva tinned sardines down his throat, twisting it until the private’s neck exploded, killing him almost instantly.

He then locked eyes with me, and using my girthy mass, I trapped Sarge’s arm underneath my flaps of muscular mass, slowly rolling over and crushing him to death. After killing Sarge, I ripped open the can of Hagoromo and savored every bite; the silky smooth squid blessing me with all its love 😩❤️🥰

Eventually, a rescue team was sent to save me, and since then I’ve always had a hankering for Hangoromo.

I give this tin a 9.1 out of 10; such a bold and unforgettable experience 😍🥵😩 🦑

I’m baccckkkkkk 🥰😍🥵 for a brief period, I became an exodus, hiding in the shadows.

In the darkest depths of the Fishwife’s lairs, there are those who conspire against me and my succulent love for *canned fish*, who have been planning my ABSOLUTE DESTRUCTION. There is a very good possibility that I may be exiled from this beloved sub in the very near future, forever on the run from the minions of Fishwife and other peddlers of inferior and weak tinned fishes.

However, my love for tinned fish will NEVER cease, and I WILL NEVER stop putting savory and JUICY fish meat into my trembling mouth, and feeling it hit the back of my throbbing throat 😍🫃🥵 🐟 If you notice that I have one day mysteriously stopped posting here, just know I am not far away, slurping on a can of DIVINE fishy love ❤️

Now, onto the review. This tin of squid was incredible; each piece of squid was a big, black chunk (which I’ll refer to as “BBC” for ease of reference) covered in its own ink 🫟 🦑

The BBC’s of squid could barely fit intro my small and undeserving mouth. 🥰🥵 The curry-like flavor just BUSTED in my mouth after the first bite, so much that my tight little mouth cheeks could barely hold in that BBC OF SQUID! 🦑🥰😍🥵

And when it went into my little hairy potbelly, O-M-G🫃🥵😍🥰 I could feel and taste all that BBC of squid going down my veiny and begging throat, into my little potbelly 🥹🫃😍🥰

And…. it was only $2.69 per can! 🦑 This is easily going to be my go-to can in the very near future

9.7/10 - I just can’t get enough of that BBC of squid!

Mmmmmhhhhh yeaaaaaaa 🥵 Where do I even start with this bad boy 👦 Holding this can of Japanese delight in my quivering hands, I was ultimately prepared to bathe my mouth and throat with this succulent fish meat 🫃🐟

However, after taking the first bite, everything went pitched black and I fell unconscious. After many unknown hours, I awoke in the middle of a foreign forest, and standing 30ish feet away from me was NARUTO 👌😍

“Nar-ru-to, why am I here?!” I asked in a confused but anxious tone. Naruto grinned and said “I am going to be the Hokage, and there nothing you can do to stop me!” Naruto suddenly made 40ish clones of himself, and began to surround me. Each of them pulled out ninja knife’s and shurikens, and attempted to shank me into oblivion, all while yelling “BELIEVE IT!” in an uniform fashion

However, my 800-pound body of pure sardine love was too thicc to be penetrated, and using my incredible mass, I rolled over each of the shadow clones that Naruto made, crushing them under my magnificent body and mass.

Naruto realized there was no way he would win, and tried to run. Using my trusty can of Polar Sardines in Olive Oil, I threw the tin at Naruto with blinding stopping power. The tin hit the back of his leg and completely obliterated his entire calf muscle.

Naruto laid there on the floor of the Hidden Lead Village forest, completely crippled and helpless. He begged for mercy, but I showed none. I rolled over him with my massive 800-pound physique, crushing every bone in his body simultaneously, including his entire spine. His dying words were “OHHHHH GOD BELIEVE IT NOOOOOOOOOOO AGHGHGGGGG……..!!!”

After destroying Naruto, everything went pitch black again and I awoke back in my apartment. I devoured the remainder of the tinned mackerel, savoring every divine bite. I give it a 9.1/10 🥰🤷😇🫃😍🥵🫃

Where to start with these bad boys? 👦 As I opened this can of pure pleasure, I could feel my hands trembling with excitement; the warm fishy sardine smell graced my quivering nose. The warm lush sardine oils presented themselves to me, and I just couldn’t help myself.

My body began to sweat and shake with pure excitement, and I took off my shirt to relieve myself, as I prepared to devour this can of sardine love.

My incredibly hairy body began to quiver, as I put the sardines into my trembling mouth. My throat, which was beginning to be filled with fish meat, began to pulse; the veins on my neck surged with pure pleasure as I swallowed the fish whole. The oils and meat going into my big, hairy belly made me sweat and moan like a madman 😏😍🥹😤

8.5/10 because I devoured it so quickly, that it left me begging for more and I wasn’t satisfied. 😩🫃🥰😇🥵😳🙇🏻