u/Anjo_Bwee

Hey, Missouri guy here. I'd like to thank everyone who showed support in my last post. I talked to the girl I was seeing and she said she still wants to keep in touch and hang out when she ever does visit Texas again. I'm posting here because my gut says I should ask her to let me see her off whenever the moving day is and kiss her goodbye. She says she'd like to have a relationship if we had more time so I think that would be a decently cute way to send things off in case we drift apart. I was also thinking of making something for her. We're both artists so I'd like to draw her. Something to remember me by. I dunno. Either way, I'm better-ish.

A couple days later, I got up and got out of the house. I got decently dressed up and went to the bookstore at the mall. I got shit sleep. I felt terrible, but I couldn't stomach sitting in the house half-asleep and watching TV for another day. It was a decent day. Bought a book, The BlackTongue Thief. Really great and funny book. Got coffee, went to the food court, just hung out somewhere to clear my head for a bit. Tried to talk to one of the girls at the bookstore. Not to ask her out, but to just get into the habit of talking to strangers again. It's not that I'm shy, it's that I never really flexed my social butterfly muscle.

I knew that today, something was wrong. Very wrong. I couldn't stop harnessing all of my negative emotions in an endless loop. It's like I was feeding on my own self-abuse. I've been taking Vyvanse for the past 3 years because I found out I have ADHD and have been taking it at least once a week until this month.

There have been shortages in the last couple of years, and so I ran out before I could get a refill. I haven't had my meds in a month. I scrounged around the medicine cabinet and found a bottle of old vyvanse from a couple years ago. Stupid, I know, but I took one because I was desperate and needed to figure out if it was my meds that were keeping me sane.

A couple hours later, yeah, I'm still pretty sad about the girl, but I'm not doomer-ing and feeding off my own doom and gloom. I was able to actually do my regular hobbies and have fun. Played some Deadlock this evening and had a grand ol' time. I realized how fucking bonkers I get when I haven't taken my meds. I looked at my earlier post like an alcoholic looking at their pants after a night out: Ashamed of a lot of shit in there. I thought it controlled my ability to pay attention, but it was doing a lot of heavy lifting for my mood. A LOT of heavy lifting. I need to raise some hell to my psych and pharmacy tomorrow to get my next prescription. I'm just glad I took some medication before I said something REALLY stupid to her.

Either way, I'm back looking in the apps. Not to date, or to find anyone really, but just scrolling to see that there are women like her out there. It kinda helps the moving on process, in a way. I don't know how strongly she feels about me but I know I'm not gonna just let myself sit on my ass and pine for her until she tells me she's seeing someone in Missouri and have my world come crashing down. I'm also trying to just scout around and find hangouts and meetups for my hobbies to try and meet new people because I know the apps are shiiiiit. There are a few things, but generally zilch and fucking nada. There are some nerdy things like DnD, tabletop gaming, reading, art, etc but it seems kinda like a desert on that front. There is a new bar that opened up a couple months ago so maybe I'll try hanging there tomorrow.

Leftover shrimp fried rice from a nice local place and the book I bought a couple days ago.

For a couple months, I've been crushing on a girl at work. I heard through the grapevine that she thought I was cute. I asked her out. Instant chemistry. We love the same things. Cosplay, games, anime. It was only a month of talking and a couple of dates, but it was enough to make me fall head-over-heels. I worked on myself for 2 years before hopping back into dating and it all seemed to be paying off. On our second date, she mentioned that she was considering moving to Missouri to live with her dad because living with her Grandma here sucked, but she talked about it as if that decision was at least a year away.

Yesterday she told me that the decision was made that day. Her sisters have all been talking about it and made the decision. She didn't know how soon, but soon she will be leaving Texas. I said I'd like to make the most of our time together. She's worried about paying. I told her that I don't care about money. If I didn't try my damndest to give her a reason to miss Texas, I'd regret it for a long time. She still hasn't messaged me back. I saw her at work. She smiled at me as if nothing was wrong. I smiled back. Super painful, man.

It would be one thing if I was just okay about her. But we fit together like two halves of a puzzle. She isn't perfect, but it felt like we would have been a smash hit together. I had a whole picnic date planned. I wanted to take her dancing. I had so many fun ideas for dates that I had been thinking of while I was waiting to get back into dating again. She came from a poor family and I wanted to spoil her rotten. Wherever she goes, she will always live in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart for years. I know I'll be able to pick myself back up, but I didn't think I'd fall this hard. It was crazy. I had been training myself to accept rejection, bow out gracefully if there isn't a spark, and make sure I didn't do anything that made me come off as weird or unsafe, but I didn't think of what I would do if things went RIGHT. My emotions got the better of me.

Chicken strip sandwich with buffalo sauce and ranch and a zero sugar soda.