Suddenly spiralling
First MRI today since mastectomy last August.
How does everyone deal with the wait for results? Every minute is excruciating.
I've already started making lists of notes and videos I will leave for my 3 daughters if it has come back. What I want them to know if I'm not there with them when they get married, when they have children, when they go through a breakup, when life just gets tough or when they have incredible, happy moments or positive things happen to them. Making sure I upload photos from my phone onto our family group so they don't just disappear. looking around my room & wondering if I should get rid of some things to make it easier for them - but then is that taking something away from them if they need to go through that process of holding and remembering things after I'm gone.
I had DCIS with microinvasion and pagets in the nipple so low risk of recurrence relative to other types, but I have the most acutely intense and overwhelming fear of dying. No breast cancer in our family so was a complete surprise, a slap in the face really that I don't think I have come to terms with yet.
Have been managing it ok since the surgery, it rears its head every now and then but I have been able to function. Today, as soon as I parked my car outside the clinic for the contrast MRI appointment, I just lost it, cried the whole way through the MRI. I don't even know who I am, who this person is, I am not usually the kind of person who panics about something that hasn't happened. HOW do we get through the agonising wait for results?