Need Advice Please
Hi y’all,
I recently had my grandmother come back home and she’s showing signs of dementia. I’m gonna sound real bad but it’s been about 8 years since I’ve really seen her.
Some back story, my grandfather died about 10 years ago after a painful, quick battle with lung and brain cancer. When he died my grandmother was obviously devastated. For months I would spend full evenings and nights at her house so she wasn’t alone. We would watch movies together or just tv shows and talk. She had been my best friend since I was little and was my personal super hero.
When I first left for college she would come visit me at least once a month, if not once every two weeks. We would go out to lunch, go shopping, just spend time together. I also would call her basically every day, whether it was for 5 minutes or an hour.
In 2018 she started dating a man who I barely knew. Our families use to go camping and he was the father of the woman’s land we would use to camp on. Think back country camping parties. Huge bonfire with a bunch of people drinking and a “booze cruise” through the woods. 30+ families would be there, although not everyone was related (we went as family friends).
This man had lost his wife to illness about six months before he started chasing after my grandmother. They started dating and instantly things began to change. I didn’t get to talk to her as much, I barely saw her. Although I was upset, I tried to be happy for her. That lasted for about a year until she began to compare me to his granddaughter (6 months younger than me to the day).
I’ve never felt good enough, always felt like I was a disappointment and that my family would be better off without me. She started telling me I should be like this other girl- done college, engaged, and having a baby. I wasn’t this girl. It went deeper than this but it’s a lot of unnecessary drama that I don’t want to revisit. We both said things and I came to the decision it was best for my mental health to go no-contact. For years I avoided her, refused to be in the same room as her and generally ignored the comments that I was not successful as a woman since I did not have kids yet. (Her entire family has always had kids very young, I was the first to go past the age of 25 before having a baby).
She also only ever had one child, my mom. My grandmother started spending more time with his daughters and grandkids. Eventually, she was basically gone. She returned once a week to spend an hour or two with her great granddaughter, and then just drive back to his house and his family. Went on family vacations, for-wheeling, camping. Started leaving the state in the winter. My mom never saw her and never heard from her (no phone calls or texts either).
Two years ago I was pregnant with my son. My mother told my grandmother as again, we were no-contact. My grandmother tried sneaking into the hospital to meet my son when I had him without my permission. She proved again and again she had no respect for how I felt and only wanted to do what she wanted.
After having my son she only visited to try to see my son. Never once did she apologize, never listened to how I felt, and ignored my requests. She insulted my son’s name, said I should be enjoying motherhood (I was struggling from severe postpartum depression), and complained that I didn’t want her around. I don’t necessarily regret that choice, I was still very hurt and she never apologized or tried to make it right. I had a very difficult time adjusting to motherhood as a single mom and just wanted peace. She was a source of stress that I couldn’t handle.
On to the issue at hand, this man she straight up abandoned her family for, abandoned her. Brought her back to her house in our hometown and left her. She’s confused, doesn’t seem to really know who she is and is unsure of people in her life. She remembers me but thinks I’m younger than I am and that we still have our same old relationship. Her daughter (my mother) is very hurt too but trying to help her and figure out everything she needs to.
We just need to know what we should actually be doing. How do we help her? How do we make sure she’s safe? What steps should we be taking? I know I’m an asshole for the past, but I don’t want her to feel alone. I don’t know how to fully forgive her and that’s something I have to work through by myself, but what can I do to help her?