I've been on E for about a year now and still have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. No idea how to do makeup, voice train, make friends, etc etc. I just exist, and it's so fucking infuriating.
And alongside some form of undiagnosed neurodivergence and social anxiety, one of the reasons for this is the severe lack of any real feminine presence in both my childhood and current life. The only female in my immediate family is my mom, who's very much a tomboy. We live far away from the rest of my family so they're not really present much. I have no irl friends of any gender right now, and while I had some growing up, I never felt that attached to them and that was all before I realized I was a girl anyway and was still acting like a boy.
So, I have no idea how to be a girl. And I don't want people just saying "there's no right way to be a girl" and "just be you". I want to be super feminine. I want to look pretty and sound pretty. I want to be able to doctor up my appearance to appear as girly as physically possible. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO FUCKING ANYTHING.
I've been trying to think of ways to remedy this by making some actual queer friends who get it and can teach me. Currently the plan is to go to a fun gay bar during happy hour. But the part of my brain that tries to be realistic knows that all I'm going to do is sit there and not make any effort to actually meet anyone and leave after at most a couple hours, having accomplished absolutely nothing.
I'm so tired of just hoping that I'll miraculously meet someone who can solve all my problems. I know I need to take charge and just do it myself. But I get overwhelmed so easily that I'll only take one or two steps and then just shut down.
I don't have a reason for saying all this other than I needed to vent. It won't solve anything but it's nice to just scream into the void sometimes. Thank you for listening.