AITAH for sharing the maid of honour role between my sister and my best friend?
I (27F) am getting married next year to my fiancé (28M), and I'm really struggling with the maid of honour role.
Growing up, my sister (25F) and I always agreed we'd be each other's maids of honour. The problem is that, over the past several years, our relationship has deteriorated severely, and getting along requires me to make a lot of allowances for her behaviour. At the same time, my best friend (27F) would be my natural choice, having been by my side throughout my entire relationship with my fiancé, gets along with him well, and is a lovely, supportive person.
For context, my sister and I have had a difficult relationship for almost a decade with several major fallings-out over the years.
The biggest was about 4 years ago when she asked me to cancel my Christmas with my fiancé's family in Germany the night before flying because she wanted my support after a difficult breakup. I changed all my plans to be there for her, only for her to spend almost the entire holiday meeting friends instead, leaving me alone at home (this was during Covid, so elderly family were not accepting visitors, and Germany had shut borders to the UK). We didn't speak for nearly a year afterwards because she refused to apologise. We then began speaking again because I was moving to Germany and she to Australia.
After she had moved to Australia, she invited me on a month-long sisters road trip as a chance for us to rebuild our relationship. I took a month off work, saved for a year to afford the trip, and flew halfway across the world. When I arrived, I discovered she'd brought her partner along for the entire trip without telling me beforehand. The holiday became so unpleasant due to his behaviour and my sister trying to plough ahead with only considering what she wanted, that I left two weeks early. Again, she has never apologised.
Those experiences really affected and changed how I see our relationship. On top of this, she is also extremely difficult to contact, can disappear for months without replying, and when we do spend time together she can be very confrontational. Most recently, she got into a heated political discussion with my fiancé that quickly became personal, insulting him rather than debating the issue. He was deeply upset, and since then she hasn't spoken to either of us.
By contrast, my best friend has been there since the day my fiancé and I met. She knows us both incredibly well, has supported us through every stage of our relationship, and is someone I trust completely. She gets on brilliantly with my fiancé, is reliable, thoughtful and supportive, and is exactly the sort of person I imagined having beside me on my wedding day.
The problem is that I feel trapped by the agreement my sister and I made years ago. I don't honestly think she'll help with any of the responsibilities of being maid of honour (due to being in Australia and not answering my calls), but I also don't want to damage our relationship even further.
Because of that, I ended up asking them both to be co-maids of honour. My best friend is the person I genuinely want beside me, while asking my sister felt more like trying to preserve what little relationship we have left.
Now I'm wondering whether I've handled this completely the wrong way. Should I have just chosen my best friend and accepted the consequences? Or am I wrong for feeling that my sister no longer fits such an important role in my wedding?
I wanted to address the dynamic and role I want my best friend to play in my wedding with her in person, since we are both currently in England, but am not sure how to go about it, or whether I'm doing the right thing.