u/AnnoyingBroken420

I’m 30 with spastic cerebral palsy in a committed relationship with a great guy of six years this November…

Today I tried to surprise my partner by re-organizing our kitchen pantry thing so I ended up moving one huge piece of furniture from one room to the other and then when I went to take my dogs out for the morning, I realized my wheelchair didn’t fit through the back door because of the piece of furniture that I moved…

So I was awake for three hours alone trying to do something really awesome for my partner and he appreciated it but all of my hard work was undone in a matter of five minutes because It didn’t work.

I’ve always been a sensitive person. I have no shame in that but so many in my life have shamed me for being so sensitive or admitting. I’m lonely my partner treats me great loves me with everything in him, however, it would be nice to have friends and family that will actively show up for you whether it’s just hey let’s go to Bingo or hey let’s go get coffee. I feel like this point life isn’t worth it for me anymore because I’m literally I just feels like I’m begging for people to acknowledge my existence. I don’t wish that one day I could magically get rid of the CP. I’m not ashamed of it I am just ashamed of how isolating it feels. I don’t really wanna do this anymore but the only reason I’m not giving up is because I don’t want anybody to find my body. I don’t know how to keep going. Fuck, seasonal depression fuck depression fuck PTSD fuck the fact that I’m disabled fuck the fact that I’m trans and gay. I’m just so fucking tired and maybe I’m just screaming into the void. Maybe this won’t get right at all but maybe just maybe if somebody else reads this they won’t be alone. I feel so fucking alone. I hate myself.

Hi guys, I’m not really sure if I’m gonna leave this post up, but I have posted in this community a couple of times mainly venting about dealing with severe gut issues and having severe anxiety with food in combination with my cerebral palsy pain I’ve been working with my gastroenterologist and my primary care physician and we’ve done a gastric emptying study we’ve done a scan of the abdomen with contrast and we’ve changed my pain medication’s. I am now on two different muscle relaxers and a different pain medication

(nortriptyline 10 mg x1 at night/ tizanidine 4mg every eight hours as needed I do split the pills during the day and I take the whole pill at night / celecoxib 200mg I typically take this one once in the morning and in the afternoon around maybe two or 3 PM)

My doctor also has me on Wellbutrin 300 mg and vitamin C and D supplements….

I’m so grateful that my team is finally listening and I’m grateful that these meds are kind of working, but part of me is still really scared because I’m still waking up almost every day with severe gas pain and nausea and my partner and I both sleep hot so we turned the thermostat down at night, but then I wake up freezing and my body refuses to find a happy medium because if we don’t turn the thermostat down, we’re both waking up in a sweat and it’s not fair to either one of us. We’re also trying different blankets…..

I still am basically relying on THC to overcome morning nausea. I’m using it a lot less and I’m being more intentional about using THC with intention and not just to “chase the high”… I eventually hopefully want to quit smoking because it’s expensive, but I’m struggling to…
I am proud of myself for cutting back and making sure that I’m only reaching for it with intention but shit I feel so fucking depressed. I feel like a stranger to myself. I don’t know if I’m doing anything right and as much as I don’t want to give up and hurt the people that I love I truly don’t know if any of this is worth it anymore…. Again I am so extremely grateful to have a supportive partner to help me Through This and I’m grateful that my doctor is listening, but I’m still so miserable even though I feel like I’m doing everything right…. I’m sorry to be a bother but I don’t have any other friends with cerebral palsy so I feel very alone. I’m only 30 and I have spastic cerebral palsy and I truly just miss when I had energy. I don’t have energy anymore. I don’t have drive anymore. I dread waking up in the morning I fight with hours of anxiety until I am about to puke before I’m able to eat anything if I’m not smoking and I know that that can lead to CHS hence why I am making a very very conscious effort to cut back, but I just feel so fucking lost…

Anyway, for those of you who read this far down I appreciate it. I would appreciate some advice some encouragement or simple silly photos or serotonin boost.

I don’t know if I’m just talking to the air but I just wanna know if somebody else understands this. I’m a 30-year-old trans man with spastic palsy. I use THC product to manage pain pretty much daily… I want to quit smoking but it is the only thing that helps even a little bit… doctors are not listening. I’m still dealing with underlying stomach issues I don’t have any energy anymore… I don’t feel like I can l lead a normal life with this level of pain… I can’t do it anymore….