howdy hi, im not too sure how to start but i need advise bad. im 25 afab. since i was young ive always known to some degree that being just a girl made me unhappy.
when i was really young i used to ask my parents when my p\*\*\*s would grow in, i knew i liked girls really young and didn't start liking men until i was in highschool, when i was 13 i cut all my hair off and asked my dad if he'd still love me if i was a boy, when i graduated highschool i shaved my head and dressed more masculine, i gave myself a new masculine name at 19 (that i still go by to this day), my friends all call me papa and i have very masculine mannerisms, my afab anatomy makes me so sad and i detest being nude (i avoid showing like the plauge)
however, i enjoy dressing up and feeling cute, i love pretty clothes and looking girly. i know that non binary and gender fluid exist and i definitely believe i fall under one of those umbrellas. i like to wear girly clothes and make up (not for too long or i dissociated so hard i dont recognize myself). sometimes i wonder if i just hard lean into feminity ill be fine but ive tried and it didnt work. if anything i felt worse.
i LOVE the male body, im so fucking jealous of how men and trans men look. i constantly wish i had a d\*\*k (like a lot) i love pecs and how they look, id give anything to look like that, to just wake up and have those things. the idea of having a deeper voice, more masc features, an adams apple, b growth all excite me. to be pretty the way men are.
here's my problem, ive tried binding and i hate it, it just makes me sad. I like how it feels but looking at it makes more upset. the idea of starting T scares me shitless. im terrified ill just hate myself more if i go through with it. i have a few ftm friends who don't necessarily fall under the binary who have been trying to help but i feel like im putting on an act. when i ask them how i should feel they all say "we cant tell you how to feel" and i know that but how am i supposed to feel? is this normal?
another problem, i have bpd (im in therapy) and my sense of self is non existent. i rarely trust my emotions because i have no idea what they are or how to feel them most the time. my personality changes at the drop of a hat. i can be swayed so easily even if no one is doing it intentionally. ive never liked myself or how i look, even when im assured im not "ugly" i still have this lingering voice in my head that says i look wrong. that whatever is looking at me from the mirror simply isnt me.
im worried that this is another phase of lack of identity, that if i go through with T ill just make everything worse. i dont know how im supposed to feel. is there some sort of 'ah-ha' moment im supposed to have? is this just another cope for not liking myself? am i just having some sort of crisis that will go away?
TLDR: im not sure if im actually trans or just coping with the fact i dont like myself. i dont know how im supposed to feel and i dont trust my own emotions. because of this im scare of starting T