What should be my next steps
Hey reddit (warning suicidal thoughts)
I don't know how to begin but I really overwhelmed with life... Like forever. I am 21 and a trans men. (Just to clear up stuff in the front)
I always had problems with mental health or physical health when I was younger. I really struggling lately to figure out what to do I'm from Germany and finished thanks for Corona at 10 grade, since then I'm basically always in bad luck. I tried to study graphic design for a year in a public school but because of my sick days and of weird teachers I sadly needed to repeat that year if I wanted to go up the grade. My therapist at that time told me I should go to work therapy went there... Was a miss too because they didn't really had time to even help me there, I later were at a online school that got Bankrupt but didn't tell the students so I technically joined them when they actually clearly know that the school can't be safed (that school had a quite good reputation) , after that I tried a other private online school that was a scam, while those years I also went to Psychiatry where they kicked me out because they didn't believe my diagnosis that I had since I'm like 14, and didn't believe that I was trans. Also went to rehab where got sick and felt like I'm going to die multiple times but they didn't care. (Also a lot of miss gendering stuff too)
So I'm coming closer to my actually question. How should I go forward?. I really overwhelmed right now, I need money , but my mental health got worse from my last experience I'm scared to work full-time especially because I'm getting exhausted or dizzy quickly. I also want to learn a proper job but I also scared if I'm going full time that I'm going to be sick to much again. I don't even know what field I want to go even or makes enough money that I could maybe in the future just work part time.
Other questions is should I go back to therapy, i actually don't remember when I was not in therapy. I'm actually also don't know what to even actually do there at that point because it always feels like I'm just talking about life without them actually helping me with problems. Or that they don't believe me that I'm transgender... I'm also scared to go back because well... I can't hear it anymore that therapist stick on parts like I'm non monogamist or that I'm trans even not that I actually want to talk about. I really trying to understand there point but I really can't hear it anymore if they say something like that are you sure you trans you don't dress like that or look like that. I'm taking testosterone since 4 years but I don't have a beard my voice didn't change and I look bad in short hair. That's why I dress like I feel comfy, have long hair and shave. I never wore like typical female coated clothes like dresses, or skirts, mostly like typical queer person clothes I would say but still every time every therapist talks how they don't believe me or saying huh why aren't you binding your chest.. it's feels always really uncomfortable but finding therapist,doctors like that, is hard and they were mostly nice so I tried to ignore those comments...
But yea sorry for the rant
I just want to know what should I do now? My mental health gets worse I'm getting more anxious per month and I try to not believe but life genuinely shows me that I just deserve bad things.
Do people know what I could do to maybe help me or something like that? I'm just tired lately or forever of life but... I can't just do nothing about it... Even in a lot of times I think I don't want to do this anymore.
(Ps: I'm sorry for my English and for this weird combination of words English is my second language and I was never that great writing out what I feel)