u/Annual-Term8081

Upon a very traumatic preterm labor at 22+3 caused by a partial placental abruption, cervical insufficiency, and an infection, I did not get to see my little girl after birth (I was induced under anesthesia).

It has now been a month and I find myself regretting the decision often, if I even had a decision to see her once I woke up. I don't think I realized what she would have looked like at that time of gestation, and I didn't want it to change the image I had imagined of her. Now I see people with pictures of their babies, and it makes me sick I don't have that.

I saw some of her face at the funeral home about a week later, but I didn't get too close. Again, out of fear, I think because the funeral home director made some comments about it being a week and little one having gone through pathology/autopsy.

Has anyone else experienced this or have any advice on coping with it?

My (now) husband and I were expecting our first baby. After thinking it would be difficult for us to conceive, we did after the second try! I was amazed. The only thing that could have made it better was it being a girl, that is all we dreamed of, one little girl.

Flash forward 12 weeks through a healthy (yet incredibly exhausting and nauseas first trimester) and we find out it's a girl! We are ecstatic. This has been a rough first trimester but at least I'll never have to go through it again. We don't need to decide on a name because we fell in love with the same one years ago... Eleanor 💜

At 20 weeks we elope after being together 7 years. We love that our girl is with us for this moment. That week I'm feeling very fatigued and my appetite is lessening, but the docs say my blood panel is ok. At 21 weeks we go on a quick weekend trip to Florida on our "Hobabymoon" (honey/babymoon) to a resort we went to 4 years ago and fell in love with. It was magical. We agree we'll come back every 4 years, the next trip being when Eleanor is 3. Perfect.

The day we get back begins the worst week of my life. What started off as brown discharge with mild cramps, turned to consistent more painful cramps and pink mucus/discharge. I have my anatomy scan during this time at 21w6d. Baby girl looks perfect, she's just sitting low and that's what's causing the tightness and pelvic pressure I'm feeling. I'm so relieved. We find out my cervix is a bit short at 2.0-2.3. I am prescribed progesterone suppositories which my pharmacy cannot fill so I'm unable to pick up that day.

That night I experience pretty regular painful contractions for a few hours, but they fade off with Tylenol and I'm able to sleep.

I wake up to bright red blood. I get send to L&D. My cervix is now 1.3 long. After having my contractions monitored all day, the MFM comes in to tell me their thoughts: while my cervix is shortening and they would typically emergency cerclage, I am not a candidate because I am still bleeding and having regular contractions. I most likely have a partial placental abruption and infection because my WVC is high and RBC/hemoglobin is low in addition to my insufficient cervix. It's a chicken or egg situation. With a few hours of fluids, my contractions stop. I am told to start the progesterone suppositories and rest. They hope the placenta can heal on its own and the infection will clear up. Hoping this will stop contractions and I can stay pregnant. I'm told to call if I experience painful contractions again or more bleeding that's period like.

Next day is fine. I use my suppositories for the first time after finally finding a place that will compound, I feel somewhat hopeful. That night, more contractions like Wednesday night. I wake up to the most blood I've had yet.

I go to L&D. My cervix is 2cm dilated now. I'm devastated and filled with a sense of impending dread. My BP is super low, WBC is skyrocketing, RBC/hemoglobin is upper low, I'm bleeding, regular contractions anywhere from 4 to 8 minutes. I'm exhausted and terrified. Neonatal shares about what outcomes look like for a baby born at 22w2d. I'm basically told there is nothing we can do for me right now because of the mix of symptoms I'm having. It's a sit and wait game. So we sit and wait. We learn that I am at a high risk of hemorrhaging due to the bleeding. If I deliver VBAC, which at this point my body is actively in preterm labor, it will be traumatizing for a number of reasons. We discuss me being put under anesthesia and going D&E because we know the inevitable is coming. I'm losing our baby girl. The odds of me staying pregnant long enough for her to be healthy outside of the womb are slim. They keep saying I'm "in the danger zone"... as if I don't already feel that way... going into labor due to these complications earlier would've been a "regular" miscarriage, a couple weeks later and baby would be viable so outcomes would look totally different.

On Sunday, April 19th, I spend the day absolutely terrified. Terrified of birthing this baby just to lose her and possibly my own life. My medical team is trying to find a doctor that is certified to D&E at 22weeks. Apparently it isn't common because it's so high risk. I spend the day contracting, being given anxiety meds, and completely dissociating from my body. I can feel my girl kicking and I can't bring myself to connect with her knowing I'm going to be saying goodbye.

By the afternoon, they find a doctor who can come perform the procedure. 6pm is when it will happen. 5 more hours of holding my girl inside me knowing it's the last time. 5 more hours of hoping I do not go into active labor beforehand.

This Sunday, Mother's Day, will be 3 weeks since the most traumatic day of my life. The day I lost everything I ever wanted. I am experiencing all the "stages" of grief what feels like everyday. Did I make the wrong decision? Could I have stayed pregnant long enough to birth her living? Even if I have kids in the future which is terrifying, it will never be our Eleanor.