AITA for refusing to completely change my life because of my boyfriend’s repeated bad decisions and sobriety issues?
I (19F) have been with my boyfriend, “T” (19M, turning 20 next week), for almost 3 years. We’ve been together since we were 16, and honestly, I’m starting to feel emotionally exhausted and resentful.
The biggest issue in our relationship has always been his anger, drinking, reckless behavior, and inability to take accountability. Every year there’s some huge incident — either we break up for a while, he ends up needing serious help/rehab, or there’s some major blowup because of his choices.
The thing is, this isn’t a one-time mistake situation. He is constantly doing things that get him in trouble. He acts impulsively, does reckless stuff, and honestly sometimes seems disrespectful just because he wants to be. It feels like he’ll intentionally do things to upset his parents or push boundaries because he doesn’t care in the moment.
When he’s with me, he’s usually calmer and stays out of trouble, but when he’s with friends, it’s like all common sense disappears. He makes terrible decisions constantly, and then somehow I end up in the middle of it all.
Recently, he crashed his mom’s car into a light pole while on his phone because he’s an overconfident driver. Then three days later, he got a DUI and crashed into a mailbox. Obviously, those are major mistakes, and yes, I understand he needs help and needs to get sober.
But now his family — especially his mom — seems to expect me to revolve my entire life around his recovery. She constantly texts me, adds me to group chats, blows up my phone about what he’s doing, and puts me in the middle of situations that honestly shouldn’t be my responsibility. It feels like I’m expected to monitor or somehow fix him.
Here’s where I feel conflicted: I smoke weed occasionally and drink sometimes. I’m not out partying every weekend. I work two jobs, I’m in school, I stay out of trouble, and I’m genuinely trying to build a future for myself. I’m also in therapy and actively working on myself — my anger, communication, and personal growth. Even my therapist has pointed out that I’ve put a lot of work into changing.
Meanwhile, I feel like he hasn’t really changed at all.
Now I’m being told I’m selfish or an asshole because I don’t want to completely stop smoking just because he has sobriety issues. To be clear, I already said I wouldn’t smoke around him, wouldn’t be high around him, and wouldn’t drink around him anymore. I understand supporting someone in recovery and not triggering them. But why am I expected to completely change my life because of decisions he made?
I already feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot. We barely got to do “normal” young couple things because he couldn’t handle himself. At a concert once, he got so drunk that I had to call my grandpa to come get me because the whole situation became unsafe. Holidays, events, nights out — so many memories have been ruined by drinking, anger, or outbursts to the point where it almost feels normalized in his family.
At this point, I’m wondering: why do I have to keep changing when he doesn’t? Why am I expected to sacrifice more and more when I’m already working on myself and he doesn’t seem interested in changing his behavior?
AITA for feeling like I shouldn’t have to completely stop smoking or keep rearranging my life because of my boyfriend’s repeated mistakes and refusal to change?