How do we break the push-pull cycle? We set up boundaries, she listens for a while, then jumps over them and sh*ts everywhere, meaning boundaries need to be reconstructed. And repeat.
Context - been with my husband since 1998, married in 2001, so 25 years married. She's always wanted 'more' than I have been comfortable giving, in summary she once sat me down at my own kitchen table and said 'I love you like a daughter, and it hurts that you don't love me like a mother in return, and I think it's because you have your own mum'. Like, yes, I do have my own mum, and we get on well. Would you rather she died?? Before we were married she told my husband he shouldn't marry me, because I 'have a Jezebel spirit' (whatever that means). Then another time the house next door to them was up for rent and she wanted us to live there.
Christmas is a sticking point for her - when we first got together I was told that their family focused on Christmas Eve dinner, and they opened their presents that night. I thought that was perfect, as my family does Christmas day lunch. 10 years later she is boo-hooing because 'she never gets a proper Christmas with us'. Couldn't explain what she meant. Every year is a drama, in all our years together my nuclear family (ie myself, husband, our kids) have had 1 Christmas that was just us at our house with no running around, and I had an allergic reaction to a food and spent the day with my head in the toilet.
I think in summary, she wants to be a priority in our lives, yet she also acts horribly towards me, plays favourites with our 2 kids, tries to push her Pentecostal beliefs on everyone, emotionally manipulates my husband (or tries to these days), and has double standards - her other son's partner doesn't get held to all this, and is actively encouraged to see her family every other Christmas. She's very jealous of my family being close, and also my parents being slightly better off financially (though none of us are super wealthy). None of her kids live near her, and all have put up strong boundaries. FIL is in the picture but so passive he doesnt really figure (absent father sort of thing when the kids were little).
Over the years there's been entirely too much to try and write in one post. No one huge incident really, except I did once lose my sh*t and go no contact with her after she threatened to turn up at every activity we did when visiting her city, and then called me a gaslighting bitch. I had shared our timetable to prove we were busy and not just avoiding her (though we may have been doing that subconsciously). I'm still low contact, in that I won't interact with her except for face to face, which is once or twice a year. Every now and then I ponder whether I am the problem, or is she getting under my skin, I don't know.
In the last 10-15 years since we moved away from his hometown, my husband has gradually 'seen the light' and is working on assertiveness with her.
But we still have the same cycle of push-pull and emotional manipulation attempts.
How do we break this cycle? I'm just thankful we live interstate.